Offers: Binding

I would like to make the following binding offers:

• To LL Cool J, $100 if he records a song entitled, "By All Means Call It A Comeback".
  
• To Sen. Tom Daschle, $500 if he uses as his campaign slogan, "A Little Daschle Do Ya!" (It would make a good pick-up line too. Maybe he should pay me.)
  
• To Paris Hilton, $1 if she starts saying "That's so Raven" instead of "That's hot".
  
• To Harry Houdini, $325 if he sends a message from beyond the grave using Instant Messenger.
  
• To the guy who operates the Euless warning siren, $4.80 if, the next time we're under a tornado watch, he plays "Turkey In The Straw" instead.
  
• To Ellen Burstyn, $75,000 if she marries Michael Jackson's chimp and changes her name to Ellen Burstyn-Bubbles.
  

Tech: Logitech QuickCam Orbit

Video review of a Logitech webcam - worth watching for the deadpan delivery of the reviewer. And very cool effects. Seems like a really cheap way to make a cartoon of a bunny rabbit having a conversation with a talking menorah.

National Anthems: Star-Spangled Banner

May I add my dos centivos to the Spanish-language Star-Spangled Banner controversy? Here's a compromise. Let's translate the lyrics to Spanish, then back to English, using Babel Fish:

The Oh, opinion can you see, by the early light of the dawn, what we hailed so proud in flashing last of the twilight? Of whom ample rays and shining stars, with the dangerous fight, on embankments we watched, so galantemente we flowed? And the red fulgor of the rockets, the pumps that exploded in air, gave the test with the night that our flag still was there. Opinion of the Oh, that flag still stars-star-spangled shakes on the Earth of free and the home of the brave one?

And for German-Americans:

OH -, legends can do you, by the early light of the dawn, which see so proudly we hailed at last shining of the dawns? Who expanded strips and bright of stars, by the dangerous fight, over the RAM parts did we fit, did flow so courageously up? And the red sharp gloss of the rockets, the bombs, which burst in an air, gave proof by the night that our marking sign was still there. O legends, moves these star star spangled flag already over the country of the free and the house of the courageous wavelike?

Music Videos: YouTube

YouTube has a wealth of Roxy Music and Bryan Ferry videos. Some highlights:

• Ferry's cover of "Let's Stick Together", with then-girlfriend Jerry Hall playing the vamp - before she dumped him for Mick Jagger.
  
• And from 1978, from his post-breakup album, "The Bride Stripped Bare", his cover of the Velvet's "What Goes On". He always looks like he's passing a kidney stone when he sings, but his features are even more contorted with disgust as he sings, "Here we go again/I thought that you were my friend".
  
• My favourite video from the 1980s, "Slave To Love".
  
• Sexy video for Roxy Music's "The Main Thing" - apart from the teeth-brushing at the end. That woman has very poor technique.
  
• Ferry solo again with "This Is Tomorrow" - poor sound quality but interesting for Bryan's shades (matching the "In Your Mind" album cover) and Chris Spedding on guitar.
  
• Roxy Music performing "Out Of The Blue", c. 1974 with Bryan sporting the airline pilot look, and Eddie Jobson on perspex violin. Best violin solo in rock?
  
• And "Out Of The Blue" from their 2002 reunion, with a cute blonde violinist (but with a boring old wooden violin).
  

Words: Aptronym

Slate adds Tony Snow to their list of Aptronyms. An aptronym is "a name that is aptly suited to its owner". My doctor shares his practice with Dr. Michael Karing. He's married to Dr. Barbara Wood, an OB/GYN. Why isn't she a urologist like David P. Wood? Meanwhile, the Robert Wood Johnson Medical School is studying erectile dysfunction.

The Simpsons: Quotes

The Onion A.V. Club presents Simpsons Quotes For Everyday Use. They left out a few:

• "Unlikely, sir. They spell and pronounce their names differently." (When you want to gently correct your boss, like Smithers did when Mr. Burns asked if Richard Nixon was related to "Homer Nixon".
  
• "It's a perfectly cromulent word." (When someone queries your vocabulary.)
  
• "Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?" (When you finally see through someone's subterfuge.)
  
• "Help Me, Jebus!" (When you resort to prayer.)
  
• "Take it outside, God-boy." (When someone else resorts to prayer.)
  

Words: Bloody

Why do we use "bloody" as a swear word? Take Our Word For It says it's either from "Our Lady" (meaning Mary, the mother of Jesus), or from the nickname, "Bloody Mary", for Mary, Queen Of Scots. Wordorigins.org adds "God's blood" or "By our Lady", or it may be a reference to menstruation.

But everyone seems to agree that "zounds" derives from "God's wounds".

Sports: Antonio Alfonseca

The Onion's headine from October 2005: "Antonio Alfonseca Once Again Leads Major-League Relievers In Fingers". Alfonseca was born with six digits on each hand and foot. This condition, Wikipedia says, is known as polydactyly (check out the xrays!). His nickname is "El Pulpo" (The Octopus). His name is an anagram of "Neonatal fiasco, no?" and "Anal acne is on foot". I just think he's a fat bastard. 250 pounds my ass.

Music: Joke/Puzzle

Complete this hilarious joke:

It was November 1980. A Sunday evening. I was listening to the Top 30 on Radio 1, waiting to hear who was "top of the pops". I heard a commotion from the laundry room. Reluctantly, I got up to investigate.

When I went in to the laundry room, what did I see but a box of detergent, flying around the ceiling. And clinging desperately to the box was none other than Debbie Harry. The box zipped from side to side, as if trying to shake off Ms. Harry. She stared down at me and said...

Music: MP3 Blogs

The always useful Torr links to Binky The Doormat, who links to:

• Nina Persson's cover of the White Stripes' "Dead Leaves & The Dirty Ground"
  
• Kylie Minogue's cover of the Clash's "Should I Stay Or Should I Go?" (Pity her voice is so thin.)
  
• Jack White's Coca-Cola commercial (you can see a slightly longer version here. On first viewing, I thought this was a high-tech special effect, like Michel Gondry's Kylie video.
  

Lyrics Quiz: Cute

1. You're the cutest thing that I ever did see. I really love your peaches, want to shake your tree.
   
2. My sister looks cute in her braces and boots, a handful of grease in her hair.
   
3. Although she may be cute she's just a substitute 'cause you're the permanent one.
   
4. And he looks so cute (all night long) in his little red suit (all night long).
   
5. And he's cute in his mohair suit. And he keeps his pockets full of spending loot.
   
6. Well she looks like a model on the cover of a magazine. But she's too cute to be a minute over seventeen.
   
7. Now your dancing child with his Chinese suit, he spoke to me, I took his flute. No, I wasn't very cute to him, was I?
   
8. I thought it was cute for you to kiss my purple black eye, even though I caught it from you.
   
9. If I were a shopping center, I'd sure be embarrassed. I know I'd never get a date with some cute little building, like from Paris.
   
10. It was really not so cute to play without a parachute. As he stood upon the ledge, looking out, he thought he saw a brook.
    

Music: Answer Songs

Possibly the greatest title for an answer song ever: "Lloyd, I'm Ready to Be Heartbroken" by Scottish band Camera Obscura. You can stream the song. (Not as good as the Commotions' song but I like the singer's voice.)

Know any other good answer songs?

Cliches: That's What I'm Talkin' About! (Revisited)

Eric says there are some times when it's appropriate to say, "That's what I'm talkin' about!"

Yeah, I guess so.

Words: Obscenity

Saw Ira Glass tonight at the Majestic Theatre. As part of his lecture, he complained about the effect the FCC's recent rulings have had on his show ("This American Life"). He went into detail (humourously) about the case of Bono saying, "This is f---ing brilliant" at the Golden Globes.

Here's the FCC's original ruling in October 2003 that this was not obscene. "..The performer used the word "f---ing" as an adjective or expletive to emphasize an exclamation." (And they don't obscure the f--- word like I do.)

Here's the FCC's opinion on appeal from March 2004 where they flip-flopped. Among other things (and this is what really boggled Mr. Glass) they wrote that "(The 'F-word') invariably invokes a coarse sexual image." I love how they never bother to get to the bottom of Bono's actual quote - don't they have a VCR? They refer to Bono "reportedly" using the F-word at another awards show - again, couldn't they verify that?

Anyway, these FCC rulings are a lot of fun to read because of all the profanity and obscenity.

Hoax: April Fools' Day

The Museum Of Hoaxes lists the Top 100 April Fools' Day Hoaxes Of All Time. I love #18 - "In 1981 the Daily Mail ran a story about an unfortunate Japanese long-distance runner, Kimo Nakajimi, who had entered the London Marathon but, on account of a translation error, thought that he had to run for 26 days, not 26 miles."

Reuters has three of this year's English crop - not very good. You can listen to the Guardian's faux Chris Martin pro-Tory song. The full story.

Music: MP3 Blogs

Take Your Medicine has a studio leak of the new Radiohead album (for today only). Good to hear it's a proper tune, although the lyrics are as enigmatic as ever. Also some news on the Smiths reunion. What a great day, today is!

News: Shell

Shell directs me to two Dallas Morning News stories. But since the DMN site is so badly organized (and requires registration (and has pop-ups)), here are alternate sources for the same stories. And one bonus story from me.

• Youth Minister kicks 16-year-old boy in the groin during Dodgeball game. (Causing the boy to urinate blood.)
  
• Australian drunk driver asks a policeman directions to Uluru (Ayers Rock) - when his headlights were shining on it, 100m away.
  
• Ryanair lands at Northern Ireland army airstrip instead of Londonderry airport. I laughed me hole off at that one. Serves Ryanair right, those miserable bastards.
  

Universities: Duke

• Duke researchers have captured images of "sprites". Lovely video. "Sprites" are "electrical discharges that occur high above the cumulonimbus cloud of an active thunderstorm".
  
• Duke has suspended Lacrosse games after an accusation of sexual assault (but the accusation has been called into question).
  
• Have you seen those stupid Chevy commercials with Duke basketball Coach Krzyzewski (I refuse to call him you-know-what, even though it's a very difficult name to spell - thank God for Ctrl-C and Ctrl-V)? They show him walking in slow motion, like he's freaking Traci Bingham. And he's still got that stupid wig.
  
• Duke's Nasher Museum recently discovered that this painting (large file) is by an artist called Francois Gerard (never heard of him). It's a little kinky. One woman is grabbing another's breast, while soldiers advance. One of the soldiers is wearing a barely-there toga. The painting is called "Clytemnestra Receiving the News of Iphigenia’s Impending Sacrifice". Here's his "Cupid And Psyche". Here are many more Cupid & Psyches.
  
• Yes, the Nasher behind the Duke museum is Raymond Nasher, Duke alumnus and patron of the Nasher Sculpture Center in Dallas.
  

Leprechauns: Alabama

A little bit of Irish heritage in Mobile, Alabama. Or "it could be a crackhead that got hold to the wrong stuff."

Celebrities: Morgan Spurlock

Morgan Spurlock makes offensive speech at Pennsylvania school. Offers "Letter Of Explanation" on his blog. One of those "I'm sorry that you were offended" non-apologies.

Music: MP3 Blogs

• Buck Owens, RIP. Shell thinks he looked like Jim Varney. I say Mel Brooks. You be the judge. The Driftwood Singers has a Buck song. Yer Blog has two.
  
• An Aquarium Drunkard has a track from the new Josh Rouse album. (He also has some acoustic Rouse tracks, but trying to download them seems to crash my computer.)
  
• I saw a Claritin-D ad, with my TV on mute. There was a couple talking, intercut with them performing onstage. The guy seemed to be a really bad actor, so I thought they must be a fake band. I un-muted and immediately recognised Kelly Willis' voice. The bad actor is her husband Bruce Robison. She's looking a little matronly these days. She was quite the beauty back in the day. I saw her support the Wagoneers about 1989 with her band, Radio Ranch.
  
• My Old Kentucky Blog offers two tracks from Band Of Horses (nice), and a pleasant but unnecessary cover of "You've Got To Hide Your Love Away" by the Subways.
  
• rbally has a p. but u. cover of "Chelsea Hotel" by Regina Spektor.
  
• The Townes Van Zandt bio DVD, "Be Here To Love Me" is worth watching for the jaw-dropping deleted interview segments with Nanci Griffith. She always struck me as a nice lady with an annoying voice. Now I'm not so sure about the first part. In one clip, she tells a story about how she and Townes "accidentally" took some home-made hallucinagens, and then he quietly talked her out of buying too much Coca Cola at a grocery store. Her other story is about Townes setting his toddler's hair on fire - again, an accident. But she laughs (twice!) as she tells the story.
  

Bad Boys

Want a more relaxing job? Read here about a day in the life of a now-suspended Fort Worth police offier.

Comedy: Quiz

Name the classic comedians/comedy albums.

1. "It's nutty Walt again!"
   
2. "This is the Blue Room. We decided to leave it just the way it was when President Blue left office."
   
3. "The Bible would have gone through my heart if it wasn't for the bullet."
   
4. "From New Delhi to Darjeeling, I have done my share of healing, And I've never yet been beaten or outboxed."
   
5. "Dave's not here, man."
   
6. "Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck. "
   

Music: German One-Hit Wonders

VH1 Classic will play "99 Luftballons" for an hour on Sunday. I'll probably just watch the first 20 minutes or so. Catchy song, but I couldn't take a whole hour of it.

According to Ticketbastards, Nena has 4 kids and had a bit of a resurgence in 2005.

So what recent song will be played for an hour in 2026 (as a fundraiser after the hurricane that destroys New New Orleans)? I'll say Shakira's "Whenever, Wherever".

Ireland: Shamrock Ceremony

I love, love, love this photo of George W. Bush and Bertie Ahern at the 2006 Shamrock ceremony at the White House. I even watched the video at the White House site to see why W. was making that face. I think he was going to make one of his hilarious quips but thought better of it.

NPR tries to get to the bottom of this Ceremony - Who started it? When? Where does the shamrock come from?

A better question might be: why does the U.S. government waste so much time each year pandering to such a small-potatoes nation? Does it really buy that many Irish-American votes?

Thanks to Psyclops' Universal Translator, here's the White House press release for the 2001 ceremony, pimp-style.

Music: Tribute Bands 2

Eric suggests two actual tribute bands: Petty Theft (like it! and they're local) and the Back Doors (this is an Irish band).

And speaking of Ireland, Jim suggests U22 and Something Else Happens!.

Music: Tribute Bands

I tried to come up with some names for Tribute Bands. Some of these already exist.

• Fauxasis
  
• Phony! Phoni! Phoné!
  
• Pretend Pretenders
  
• The Replacement Replacements
  
• Hologram Parsons
  
• Abbaloney
  
• Copycat Stephens
  
• The Step-Mamas And The Step-Papas
  
• Boney Emulators
  

Advertising: Using Well-Known Songs

Two TV commercials in a row: KFC and Subaru. KFC used "Sweet Home Alabama". Subaru used "Every Day Is A Winding Road". KFC: bad, bad choice. Song appeals to a narrow demographic. Unclear connection to product (Kentucky or Alabama?). Subaru: excellent choice. No one doesn't like Sheryl Crow. Clear connection: All Wheel Drive good for winding roads.

What's the best use of a song in a commercial? Worst?

TV: Round-up

• Season 3 of "Little Britain" starts on BBC America on Friday night.
  
• Or you can watch the new "Doctor Who" on the Sci-Fi Channel on Friday. Christopher Eccleston is the latest Doctor, and Billie Piper is his assistant.
  
• Scientologist Isaac Hayes is quitting "South Park" because it made fun of Scientology.
  
• If you missed the early years of "The Shield", Spike is showing three episodes every Wednesday, starting with the pilot.
  
• The VW ads with Peter Stormare ("Fargo") are starting to grow on me.
  
• OK, so this isn't TV-related, but Annie Proulx spits out sour grapes about "Crash" beating "Brokeback" (she wrote the original short story).
  
• Worst sitcom title in living memory: "The New Adventures Of Old Chrsitine".
  

Questions: Some Answers

• Why do Fast Food joints have "limited time only" offerings of certain items, like Whataburger's delicious Honey Barbecue Chicken Strip Sandwich? (The McRib is probably a better example, but I've never eaten one.) Are they a "loss leader" to get people in the habit of coming to your restaurant?
  
• Does it hurt to ask? No.
  
• Is there a gayer song than Pete Shelley's "Homosapien"? (Sample lyrics: "Homo superior, in my interior.") Probably not.
  
• What are the mathematics of "Deal Or No Deal"? (Play online.) Wikipedia discusses the Optimal Strategy - it really boils down to an individual's aversion to risk. I'm not sure I agree with the statement: "The expected winning at any point in the game is the mean of the values contained in the unopened boxes". But I have no knowledge of statistics to back me up on that.
  

Lyrics Quiz: Two Words

Shell posted some more lyrics fragments as a comment to a previous post.

1. Novices
   
2. naughty nanny
   
3. dark sarcasm
   
4. I hiccuped
   
5. billion castaways
   
6. military two-step
   
7. diesel train
   
8. Chinese chicken
   
9. elementary penguins
   
10. DA man
    
11. directing traffic
    
12. kissing baboons
    
13. mom's spaghetti
    
14. menfolk standing
    

Oscars: Jon Stewart

MSNBC has an excellent review of Jon Stewart's Oscar hosting. Basically, those stuck-up Hollywood types can't laugh at themselves, so they won't ask him back.

I missed this, but apparently Tom Hanks swore because they played him on stage with the "Forrest Gump" theme.

Oscars: Chuck Workman

Bloody hell. We're only halfway through the Oscars and we've had three Chuck Workman montages already: Film Noir, "Important Issue" movies (nicely deflated by Jon Stewart), and now epics. I don't get the point of these. Is it so cinephiles can show off their knowledge of film history? It's time someone said that Chuck Workman is an ignorant hack.

Popular Culture: Feuds

1804: Alexander Hamilton v Aaron Burr.


1878: Mark Twain v Bret Harte.


2001: "Freaks & Geeks" creator v "That 70s Show" creator.


2006: Joe Rogan v a student.

Lyrics Quiz: Two Words

I've got two words for you. Name song.

1. "..leper messiah."
   
2. "Vanity, insecurity."
   
3. "..bullhorn crackles.."
   
4. "..workman's wages.."
   
5. "Jacob wrestled.."
   
6. "..sex ornate."
   
7. "..fanatical, criminal."
   
8. "..unborn chicken.."
   
9. "Academic inspiration.."
   
10. "..good cahoot.."
    

Combos: Product & Movie Title

Eric suggests some Brand Name/Movie Title combos.

• Tootsie Roll (invalid - one can't be completely contained within the other)
  
• Snow White Castle (okay - but not the Disney version!
  
• Who Framed Roger Rabbit-o-honey (invalid overlap)
  
• Falling Downy (ditto)
  
• Peter Pan (complete overlap - rejected)
  
• Jurassic Park Ride 'n Fly (could add "Fly Away Home" to make a triple)
  
• Fletch-a-sketch (Nope)
  
• Minute Maid In Manhattan (prefix with "New York")
  
• Neating Raoul (What's that product? Anyway, it ain't legit.)
  

Fashion: Oscars

The Guardian proffers an Oscars Fashion Quiz. Can you beat my score of 6/10?

Rioting: Ireland

Does this picture capture Ireland perfectly, or wha? A rioter throwing a wheelbarrow at Riot Police (Riot Gardaí?).

Words: "Yowsah"

I was watching a Warner Brothers cartoon called "The CooCoo Nut Grove" (1936). It caricatures many popular stars of the time. One is an avian bandleader named Ben Birdie who exclaims, "Yowsah!" This is based on Ben Bernie, who popularised the word "Yowsah", and would call it out between and during songs.

Does it derive from "yes sir" or the German "Jauchzer"? After reading this article on Runes and Yodeling, I'm leaning towards the latter. "By Juchzer, Jauchzer and Juchzer [cheers], we mean calls which come very close to being musical, but which stand somewhere between yodels and inarticulate cries."

If you're like me, you thought "Yowsah" originated with Chic and "Dance Dance Dance (Yowsah, Yowsah, Yowsah)" (sample here). (Wasn't the "Yowsah Yowsah Yowsah" bit used by Mike Murphy on RTE Radio to introduce his really bad song segment?)

You can hear some Ben Bernie recordings at Robert's Delightful Old Schmaltz Archives

Combos: Product & Movie Title

Remember the fun we had combining product names and band names? Can we recapture that magic by combining brand names and movie titles?

• Brokeback Mountain Dew
  
• Marathon Manwich
  
• Hebrew National Velvet
  
• Swiss Miss Congeniality
  
• My Left Footjoy Ride
  

The last one is a triple, and is valid under our old rule: if the overlap stops part way through a word, the rest of the word must be the next overlap.

Dogs: Fake Testicles

Rich pointed me to Neuticles, "testicular implantation for dogs". They give a dog his self-esteem after being neutered. I wanted to know if they made beef jerky flavoured ones, but Rich thinks it would be too traumatic for a dog if it ate its own balls. I think dogs are too stupid to realise what they've done.

In almost-related news, the band with the worst name in the history of Rock, Test Icicles, have broken up.

Advertising: Sellouts

Who is the bigger sellout? Parker Posey for appearing in a Pepsi ad with Jimmy Fallon, or Jane's Addiction for allowing a Jack Daniels commercial to use "Jane Says"? Jane's Addiction.

Internet: The Onion AV Club

The Onion's AV Club has a feature this week called Random Rules, where they ask five people to set their MP3 players on "shuffle" and comment on the tracks. Isaac Brock of Modest Mouse is writing songs with Johnny Marr, David Berman of Silver Jews has a theory about cross-eyed women, and David Cross once stalked the Who. (I set my Creative Zen Micro on random, and got Boo Hewerdine, Mansun and Beechwood Sparks.)

Music: Title Tracks

I've made my first contribution to Wikipedia, adding one entry to their list of albums that don't contain their title track. (The artist must have sung a song with that title elsewhere.)

Sports: Horrific Injuries

Shell has ruined my appetite by sending me this photo of Totti's ankle injury. Here's an animated gif of Joe Theisman's infamous injury.
To help you recover, here's Rebecca Theisman.

Lyrics Quiz: Animals

Inspired by Shell's "animal bands" post, here's a lyrics quiz on the same subject.

1. Animals strike curious poses. They feel the heat, the heat between me and you.
   
2. I’d rather be...I’d rather be with...I’d rather be with an animal.
   
3. Feed animals in the zoo. Then later, a movie, too. And then home.
   
4. And I want and I need and I lust animal. Take me, tame me. Make me your animal.
   
5. They stab it with their steely knives but they just can't kill the beast.
   
6. So you ride yourselves over the fields and you make all your animal deals and your wise men don't know how it feels...
   
7. Do you know how animals die? Kitchen aromas aren’t very homely.
   
8. He saw an animal up on a hill. Chewing up so much grass until she was filled. He saw milk comin' out but he didn't know how. "Ah, think I'll call it a cow."
   
9. Priests and cannibals, prehistoric animals. Everybody happy as the dead come home.
   
10. A long time ago when the earth was green, there were more kinds of animals than you'd ever seen.
    

Newspapers: Headlines

Is it wrong to laugh when you see the headline, "Ex-Governor Apologizes for Ogling Woman"? "Ogling" is a funny word (but only if pronounced correctly, as "ogue-ling", not "oggling"). Grainy picture of the 24-year-old woman at WBAL. His note to the woman is a classic non-apology apology:

"Dear Ms. Krum, Embarrass you intentionally, never. You have handled the affair as a trouper. Sorry you were put through this 'ordeal.'"

The 84-year-old William Donald Schaefer sounds like another one of those unreconstructed Demmycrats, like Robert Byrd, who should have been put out to pasture long ago.

Magazines: "Smash Hits"

The British pop magazine "Smash Hits" is ceasing publication. "Smash Hits" was a guilty pleasure for me back in the 1980s. The latest copy and a packet of Revels was quite a treat for young Patanoia. If you judged a magazine by its cover (and pull-out poster), it was aimed at teenage girls. But if you read the bits (or Bitz) on the inside, it was very silly and very funny. And they sneaked in some quality music too. I bought my first Go-Betweens album after reading their review of "Liberty Belle And The Black Diamond Express". This Guardian article sums up its appeal well. The Guardian blog has an additional tribute with reader comments. Lots of memories. No one mentions the "fright wigs" (e.g. Tina Turner), but the Sunday Herald (linked above) does. (They also mention how SH asked Billy Gibbons out of ZZ Top: "Do you wear your beard in, or out, of the bed-clothes at night?")

Cartoons: New Yorker

One-size-fits-all caption for New Yorker cartoons.

Music: Johnny Bush

Happy Birthday to "the great Johnny Bush" (that's how he refers to himself on a station ID for The Range). He was known as "The Country Caruso" until afflicted by Spasmodic Dysphonia (the same disorder that made Diane Rehm so hard to listen to). Fortunately, vocal treatments have enabled Johnny to start singing again.

Among the songs played on The Range this morning was "Toy Telephone" from 1974. Another one of those "so maudlin it's funny" songs that I love. Sadly, I can't find the track or lyrics online, so you'll have to call your local country music station. A father who is missing his daughter duets with a toy telephone that says things like, "Let's get together!" and "I love you!" (Telephone voice by Stella Parton, little sister of Dolly.)

Bonus: Johnny talks about a heartwarming tribute at a Pat Green concert.

TV: Oprah/Tom Cruise

VH1's Best Week Ever gives us Oprah and Tom Cruise - the way it should've been.

Photography: Steichen

A rare photograph just sold for $2.9m. It's "The Pond-Moonlight" (1904) by Edward Steichen. I'd pay $1.85m for it.

The previous record was a cowboy photo by Richard Prince that isn't even a proper photo. He photographed a Marlboro ad. And there are multiple copies. He got $1.248m. I'd pay $12.48.

Edward Weston's "The Breast" (1921) fetched $822,400. Worth $105,000.

You can get a photo of Kristen Bell and a puppy for $4.50 on eBay. I'd pay $2.9m for that!

Animals Used More Than Once In Band Names

Animal used more than once in a band's name. May be both singular and plural. Cannot be the name of an animal, like Lassie. May be part of a word. Must be logical.

Correct:
Yardbirds
The Birds

Incorrect:
T-Rex
T-Bone Burnett

Movies: "Munich"

For those of you who have seen "Munich", here's a 1995 thesis by a Marine Corps student. He analyses the success of independent covert assassination teams, compared to more bureaucratic "in-house" teams. Someone should write a business book, promoting "Wrath Of God"-style small, persistent teams. I was surprised that so many details in the film are also in the book upon which it's based.

IMDb's list of goofs - apparently, you shouldn't say 'Mazel tov' to an expecting mother or father, as Golda Meir does.

Lyrics Quiz: Guns

Why are all these bleeding heart liberals making such a big deal about Dick Cheney gunning down his hunting partner? Like they've never filled a friend full of lead. Anyway, here's a Lyrics Quiz on the theme of Guns and Shooting People.

1. Mama, just killed a man. Put a gun against his head. Pulled my trigger, now he's dead.
   
2. When I was just a baby, my mama told me, "Son, always be a good boy; don't ever play with guns." But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
   
3. I'm goin' down to shoot my old lady now. You know I caught her messin' 'round with another man.
   
4. In the mornin you go gunnin' for the man who stole your water. And you fire till he is done in, but they catch you at the border.
   
5. [Title], he shot me down. [Title], I hit the ground. [Title], that awful sound. [Title], my baby shot me down.
   
6. [Title] I shot my baby. [Title] Dead, oh, shot her dead.
   
7. Got my finger on the trigger, I'm gonna pull it. I'm picked to click now. I'm a son-of-a-gun.
   
8. When they kick at your front door, how you gonna come? With your hands on your head, or on the trigger of your gun?
   
9. She'll make you live her crazy life but she'll take away your pain like a bullet to your brain.
   

Music: Realtors/Ukelele

Video from the Dallas Morning News of Ebby Halliday singing and playing the ukelele.

Phrases: "Writing On The Wall"

In the British Isles, we say "the writing's on the wall", but in the U.S. it seems more common to say, "the handwriting's on the wall". The origin is the Book of Daniel (not the cancelled NBC series).

I think the British version is correct. My guess is that Americans have combined/confused the mysterious "hand" with the "writing".

Compare and contrast "The Rubaiyyat of Omar Khaiyyam", as translated by Edward Fitzgerald:

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.

(But note the alternate translation by Robert Graves and Omar Ali-Shahat at the end of this page.)

And, speaking of British-American differences, how do you pronounce "2001: A Space Odyssey"?

Maritime Communications

Did you hear about the "message in a bottle" that made it all the way from New York to England? And the nasty letter that the bottle finder sent back to the bottle launcher? 'Henry Biggelsworth' of Dorset wrote:

While you may consider this some profound experiment on the path and speed of oceanic currents, I have another name for it - litter. You Americans don't seem to be happy unless you are mucking up somewhere. If you wish to foul your own nest, all well and good. But please refrain in the future from fouling mine.

What is it about Dorset that breeds such self-righteous prigs? The hectoring, anti-American tone of this tirade reminds me of another Dorset writer, Rarb, who used to maintain a blog called "Ranting Rarb".

Is the story a hoax? Or did 'Biggelsworth' just use a false name & address?

Celebrities: Harvey Weinstein's Girlfriend

Harvey Weinstein's girlfriend designs dresses - and benefits from his influence. She's quite the looker - and too good for that fat bastard. (Looks like he had liposuction, and has excess skin where his chins used to be.)

Update: Better picture of her.

Monday Miscellany

• I forgot the cruellest Superbowl commercial of all - the Ameriquest one where a patient's family think the doctors have killed him. It was 7th in USA Today's Ad Meter, and that awful FedEx one came in 3rd.
  
• I hesitated when writing "cruellest" - one "l" or two? Depends on whether you prefer UK or US English. Here's a comprehensive list of British and American spelling differences.
  
• Who knew "Sleepless In Seattle" was so creepy?
  
• A handy way to remember how to spell Mnemonic: Most nerds enjoy memorising obscure nicotine imbecile chinstrap.
  
• The Guardian's Dorian Lynskey has created a music map based on the London Underground (link to PDF at end of article).
  

Advertising: Superbowl

Is it just me or is there too much cruelty in commercials nowadays? Today we saw a guy throw a cellphone at someone's head, and a guy allow his friend to be mauled by a bear. Worst of all was the FedEx commercial where the caveman kicks a baby dinosaur (anachronism!) and then gets stomped on by a big dinosaur. I didn't like this commercial anyway because, let's face it, cavemen are ugly.

On the other hand, that "Capote" sequel looks good, where he goes after Tom Cruise.

Sports: Superbowl

I know this is one of Shell's favourite games (when he's not playing with his Carly Patterson dolls): guess which songs the Superbowl Half-Time performer will play. This year it's the Rolling Stones. Here are my guesses (no more than 3 allowed).

1. "Start Me Up" - obvious, but such a dynamic riff.
   
2. "Rain Fall Down" - surely they'll plug the new album? This is the only track I know (from some commercial).
   
3. "Ain't Too Proud To Beg" - they'll have to acknowledge Motown - either this (which they played in Detroit in 2005) or "Dancing In The Streets". (Is Bowie in Detroit?)
   

Bonus guess: Aretha Franklin will sing either "Pink Cadillac" or the National Anthem.

Sports: Carly Patterson

Shell is excited about gymnast Carly Patterson starting a singing career. He probably likes the quote from Joe Simpson (Jessica and Ashlee's dad): "I'm the kind of guy that likes to do things out of the box. ... Carly presents an exciting opportunity." I'm sure Shell will buy her CD and keep it beside his Carly box.

Film: Nina Persson

Cardigans front woman Nina Persson is co-starring in a new Swedish film called "Om Gud Vill" (or "God Willing"). You can watch the trailer (in which she sings a new song). She plays a Finnish woman, which is quite a stretch. If she played a woman without the cutest dimple in the history of Rock & Roll, well, you might as well give her the Oscar now.

Speaking of Oscars, get over to Enterpool and jump in their free Oscars contest.

Bonus photo of Nina in her fictional band in the film, Juli and the Monliths.

P.S. The song Nina sings in the trailer sounded vaguely familiar - I Googled the lyrics and sure enough, it's a cover. Listen for yourself first.

Movies: "Brokeback To The Future"

Defamer calls it the best "Brokeback Mountain" parody trailer: "Brokeback To The Future".

Advertising: Six Flags

Now we know who plays the old man in those annoying Six Flags commercials. Damn - I was sure it was Steven Soderbergh.

TV: Fox

Some unsolicited advice for Fox TV.

• I don't watch "24" but I've heard the rumours they might kill off Kiefer Sutherland's character this year. This would be better: Have him fall off a cliff, and then keep a camera trained on his motionless body. As the rest of the action continues, one corner of the screen would always show his body. For the rest of that episode. For the next episode. And for five or six episodes after that. Hey, we're only talking about 7 hours of real time. But the suspense would be killing, as viewers stare at Kiefer waiting for a sign of life. Finally, someone finds the body, feels his pulse, and says, "Yeah, he's dead."
  
• "Bones" - get rid of that "Buffy" lunkhead, and add an identical twin for Emily Deschanel. She has a fascinating face. If she plays opposite herself, you could see her in profile and full on. (Or you could cast her sister Zooey.)
  
• Bring back "Arrested Development".
  
• "Skating With Celebrities" - weaken a patch of ice on the rink. We, the viewers, know where it is - the celebrities don't!
  
• "The Quahog Informant" - don't change a thing.
  
• And then, next season on "24", start with Jack being buried, and show his body in the coffin ALL SEASON LONG. Fans will be waiting for the moment when he wakes up and escapes from the grave - but it never happens!
  

Music: AC/DC

It's agreed. "Rock & Roll Ain't Noise Pollution" is one of AC/DC's weaker songs, but the intro sounds really cool on the Nike commercial.

And the title is very poor legal advice. I think you'll find that Rock & Roll can qualify as noise pollution if played at sufficient volume. Even My Bloody Valentine's Kevin Shields complained about his neighbour's music.

What's the worst advice you've ever heard in a song? "A-keep away from Runaround Sue"? "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife"?

Music: MP3 Blogs

You Ain't No Picasso has two songs by Jack White's side project, The Raconteurs (I love the "Green Screen" look of their web site). "Steady As She Goes is the better of the two songs.

Business: Enron Emails

As featured in the Dallas Morning News, a company called InBoxer has given us the ability to search Enron's emails.

They're running a contest to find the funniest, most embarrassing, and most outrageous emails (you can win an Apple iPod Shuffle in each category). Registration is free and fairly painless.

First, I searched for "bear", because you can always be guaranteed to find a good bear joke. They have the classic "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?" joke, and the 80-year-old with a pregnant young wife joke.

Then I searched on "abramoff":

Rick, good to see you today. excited about the prospects of the new office,kitchen cabinet/advisory team, etc.

as we discussed, jack abramoff is joining barry richards' law firm,
Greenberg Traurig, on january 1. richards was just named lawyer of the year
by the American lawyer while abramoff is arguably the most influential and
effective gop lobbyist in congress. i share several clients with him and
have yet to see him lose a battle. he also is very close to Delay and could
help enormously on that front. raised $ for bush. until december 31 he can
be reached at 202-661-3851. he assistant is Susan Ralston.

And I came across this one searching for "George W. Bush". It's from a woman called Cara.

Hi Honey,

I hope you are having a good day, I sure enjoyed playing a bit this morning.
(Although I had a little bout of blue bush) I just love having you around all
the time.

What the hell is "blue bush"?

Literary Miscellany

• Garrison Keillor reviews "American Vertigo: Traveling America in the Footsteps of Tocqueville" by Bernard-Henri Lévy in the New York Times. "Don't let the door hit you on the way out," he concludes.
  
• For many of us, Eudora Welty is just a belch gag on "The Simpsons". The Dallas Morning News reviews "Early Escapades", and quotes this verse she wrote about a heavyset dorm supervisor at college:
  

  "Where'er she goes forever more,
  The Butler bosom goes before.
  But still and all, I think you'll find
  That most of Butler goes behind."

  
  Sounds like she would have enjoyed the Simpsons reference.
  
• I'm currently reading "Wodehouse: A Life". There's something unsettling about Wodehouse's character, as portrayed here. While quite amiable and naive in some ways (as with the infamous Nazi broadcasts), he was a disciplined writer and "clinically decisive" in business. But what a funny man. After the French authorities ruled that he was no longer "dangerous to the Republic", he wrote to a friend:
  

  Up till now, of course, the Republic has been ducking into hallways when I come along, swallowing nervously and whispering 'Cheese it, boys! Here comes Wodehouse!'

  
  
• Arthur Golden, author of "Memoirs Of A Geisha" has admitted that he was never actualy a geisha. He was merely a courtesan.
  
• Will Oprah have Krusty the Klown on her show next, and attack his autobiography as "self-serving with many glaring omissions"? How about Monty Burns and his "Will There Be Another Rainbow?" (Interesting web find: a Disney artist called Carl Barks made many collectible paintings of Scrooge McDuck, including one called "Always Another Rainbow".
  

Movies: Mixed-Up Titles

Mixing up movie titles - older movies this time.

• "Animal Farmhouse" - Farmyard animals rise up against the humans at a college Fraternity. But the pigs prove to be as corrupt as the humans they overthrew, justifying their conduct with the slogan, "Four kegs good, two kegs bad".
  
• "The Princess Motorcycle Diaries" - An awkward teenage girl discovers that she is related to a South American revolutionary. As he grooms her to succeed him, she learns that true beauty comes from within, and that Che Guevara is an asshole.
  
• "The Magnificent Seven Brides For Se7en Brothers" - A Mexican village hires seven gunfighting women to defend them against seven serial killer brothers who use the Seven Deadly Sins as their "calling card". Musical.
  
• "Beyond The Sea Inside" - Suffering from an illness that causes him to look 20 years older than he should, Bobby Darin fights for his right to die.
  
• "The Gods Must Be Crazy/Beautiful" - An African tribe encounters civilisation for the first time when a self-destructive teen falls from the sky.
  
• "'Round Midnight Run" - A bounty hunter must transport an alcoholic sax player from Paris to Los Angeles.
  

Music: History

Who was #1 on the day you were born? Me? "He's So Fine" by the Chiffons. Did George Harrison steal the melody for "My Sweet Lord"? You be the judge.

Lyrics Quiz: Devils

Name these devilish songs:

1. Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me.
   
2. When I was a little boy (when I was just a boy) and the devil would call my name (when I was just a boy).
   
3. I have held the hand of the devil. It was warm in the night. I was cold as a stone.
   
4. I've been searching for the daughter of the devil himself. I've been searching for an angel in white.
   
5. There's a thousand pretty women just waitin' out there. They're all livin' devil-may-care. And I'm just the devil with love to spare.
   
6. If man is 5, if man is 5, if man is 5, then the devil is 6.
   
7. I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention. The devil take your stereo and your record collection!
   
8. The devil will find work for idle hands to do. I stole and I lied, and why? Because you asked me to!
   
9. Now lemme tell you a story. The devil he has a plan. A bag o' bones in his pocket. Got anything you want.
   
10. And the devil's not in the details, no, the devil is in my pants.
    

Movies: Expletives

Wikipedia has a list of films that use the F-word a lot. #1 is "The Devil's Rejects", directed by Rob Zombie. I'm surprised that "Pulp Fiction" is only #15 and "The Commitments" a measly #46.

TV: "Bleak House"

I enjoyed the first part of "Bleak House" on PBS tonight. Casting was very fine - undoubtedly Johnny Vegas's best work (although I hear his Bottom is magnificent), and I didn't recognise Matthew Kelly.

I didn't like the "modern" elements, like the eerie wind noise that came out of nowhere, and the whip pans. And the music drew too much attention to itself.

I noticed that the interior doors were the same as doors today: six "faux" panels, with the top two smaller than the other four. When did this become the standard design for doors? Isn't it about time we had a new design? (Bob Vila has a good article on doors, and he names the different parts: panels, mullion, rails, stiles.)

(Read the novel online.)

Logos: Ovals

Intel - just another oval logo. Now, an oval inside an oval - that's classy!

Winter Sports: Lindsey Jacobellis

I thought the Visa's commercial featuring snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis was poorly conceived, but apparently that's because I misunderstood it. According to the USOC:

In the spot, Jacobellis is visibly nervous while preparing to compete in a qualifying race. Her coach makes numerous attempts to curb her anxiety using a number of sports psychology tactics. When those motivational efforts prove unsuccessful, he asks her to imagine that her Visa Check Card has just been stolen. At that moment she regains her confidence and takes off for the starting gate.

See, I thought she had lost her competitive edge, so the coach said her card was stolen in order to "fire her up". But then the voiceover nullifies that by talking about Visa's "Zero Liability". Surely I'm not the only one confused? No. Still, she has a nice smile. Who is the actor who plays her coach? He seems familiar.

Movies: "School For Scoundrels"

They're remaking "School For Scoundrels, or How To Win Without Actually Cheating!". I don't remember much from the 1960 original, but you can't go wrong with Terry-Thomas, Alastair Sim, and Peter Jones.

The film was based on the slim "Lifemanship" books of Stephen Potter (available from Amazon). The books describe amusing "ploys" to gain "upmanship" on your opponents in sport or life. One example (that I've used myself on occasion) is to ask a fellow-golfer whether he breathes in or out during his downswing. It should have the same effect as asking a centipede how it walks. As Branch Rickey said about baseball, "A full mind is an empty bat."

The new version will star Jon Heder from "Napoleon Dynamite" and Billy Bob Thornton, as well as Sarah Silverman and David Cross, so it might have a chance of being funny. Then again, the director did "Road Trip" and "Starsky & Hutch", so my enthusiasm is curbed, leashed, muzzled and fixed.

Movie Quote Quiz: Baby

Name the movies from whence these "Baby" quotes cometh.

1. Hasta la vista, baby.
   
2. I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' babies.
   
3. Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
   
4. The dingo's got my baby!
   
5. Three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato.
   
6. Please baby, please baby, please baby, baby, baby, please!
   
7. I can't have a baby, I have a 12 o'clock lunch meeting!
   
8. For me, it's like I've just given birth to my own baby girl, except she's like a big giant girl who smokes and says "shit" a lot. You know?
   
9. Baby, that was money! Tell me that wasn't money.
   
10. Me and Dot went in to adopt on account a' somethin' went wrong with my semen, and they said we had to wait five years for a healthy white baby. I said, "Healthy white baby? Five years? What else you got?" Said they got two Koreans and a negra born with his heart on the outside. It's a crazy world.
    

MP3: Fox

Fluxblog has a song I hadn't heard in years - "S-s-single Bed" by Fox. Available on a 1976 compilation at Amazon, along with "You Sexy Thing", "Afternoon Delight", "Howzat", "Jeans On" and "Devil Woman". Now that's what I call music! Lead singer Noosha Fox has been compared (vocally anyway) to Clare Grogan, Macy Gray and Alison Goldfrapp.

Internet: Million Dollar Homepage Clones

The inevitable Million Dollar Homepage imitators have arrived. Million Dollar Screenshot. Shell sent me a link to Dead Body Guy - he's selling advertising space (and mugs and t-shirts). I like Fill My Room! - for every dollar donated, he'll add a Lego block to the stack in the corner. So far he has 524 blocks. Meanwhile, the original has suffered a Distributed Denial Of Service attack, and has received a "ransom note".

TV: "Golden Globes"

Blogger SaveManny has screenshots of Isaac Mizrahi fondling Scarlett Johansson's breasts on E!. (And he makes the obvious "golden globes" joke.) I love the inset picture of Ryan Seacrest and Debbie Matenopoulos - Seacrest seems to be asking, "Why would anyone want to touch those things?" Are we sure that was really Mizrahi and not the guy who posed as him at the MTV Awards on Buzzkill?

Music Videos: 2005 Top 50

Mr. Packwood sent me the link for the Top 50 Music Videos of 2005. "So," I replied, "any you recommend?" "Actually, I couldn't be arsed to watch any of them." Bloody typical.

Most of them are in the hated ".mov" format which I'm boycotting. I did watch a Danish band's video, "No Balance Palace" by Kashmir - it's interesting only to see if the girl on the right has a wardrobe malfunction (not on my choppy viewing). Bloody hell, they got Lou Reed and David Bowie to guest on their album. How did they do that? Hear Uncle Lou. Hear the Thin White Duke.

Definitely check out "Low C" by Supergrass, a wonderfully warm-hearted documentary/travelogue to the town of Weeki Wachee in Florida. They've got mermaids!

Music: Song Tapper

Try Song Tapper. You tap out the melody of a song (using your spacebar) and it tries to guess the song. Could be useful (eventually) if you have a tune stuck in your head. I say "eventually" because, right now, it knows less than 4000 songs and it's success rate is about 50%. (It cheats by guessing about 10 titles each time.) It got "I Walk The Line", "I Like To Be In America" (that was a gimme), "Bohemian Rhapsody", "When I'm 64" and "Yellow Submarine", but didn't get "Walk On The Wild Side", "Candle In The Wind" or "Heart Of Gold". It didn't know "Heart Of Gold" but it has now added it to its database - and it guessed it right the next time I played it.

TV: Trivia Quiz

For each group, identify what they have in common.

1. "Home Improvement", "M*A*S*H", "NYPD Blue", "The Larry Sanders Show", "Sports Night"
   
2. "American Idol", "The Tracey Ullman Show", "The Arsenio Hall Show"
   
3. "The Rockford Files", "Hill Street Blues", "Law & Order", "NYPD Blue"
   
4. "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "Get Smart", "The Critic", "JAG"
   
5. David Schwimmer ("Friends"), Alan Alda/Mike Farrell/Harry Morgan/Jamie Farr ("M*A*S*H"), Danny DeVito ("Taxi"), Steve Buscemi ("The Sopranos")
   

Photography: Lou Reed

Lou Reed's photos of New York. His photos are being exhibited at two New York galleries thorugh February 25th. (And you can pre-order a book of these photos for 50 freaking dollars.) Lou will be playing at the Winter Olympics (along with Andrea Bocelli, Ricky Martin, and Avril Lavigne), according to his web site. (Check out the "video" of the Velvet Underground performing "Sister Ray" on the Lawrence Welk Show.)

Movies: "The Matrix"

Rolling Stone article about Larry Wachowski, co-director of "The Matrix", and his unusual sexual proclivities. The article blames Larry's personal life for causing the two sequels to suck so very, very badly. I still haven't bothered to see the 3rd part after being so disappointed by the 2nd.

Music: "Jane Says"

Shell directs you to this article about the Jane's Addiction song, "Jane Says" and its inspiration, Jane Bainter.

Other song inspirations:

• The Velvet Underground's "Candy Says" - Candy Darling, transvestite and Andy Warhol associate.
  
• The Beatles' "Dear Prudence" - Prudence Farrow, former sister-in-law of Woody Allen.
  
• R.E.M.'s "(Don't Go Back To) Rockville" - Ingrid Schorr, then girlfriend of Mike Mills. Read her side of the story - funny!
  

Lyrics Quiz: Funny

1. And I find it kind of funny. I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
   
2. Ain’t nothing in the world like a big eyed girl to make me act so funny, make me spend my money.
   
3. It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside. I'm not one of those who can easily hide.
   
4. Oh it's so funny to be seeing you after so long, girl. And with the way you look I understand that you are not impressed.
   
5. Funny thing, but you can sing it with a cry in your voice.
   
6. Ain’t it funny how you feel when you’re findin’ out it’s real?
   
7. Oh, I, I got a funny feeling when she walked in the room and I, as I recall, it ended much too soon.
   
8. In and out of Wandsworth with the numbers on their names. It's funny how their missus always look the bleeding same.
   
9. If you're so funny, then why are you on your own tonight?
   
10. Teacher thinks that I sound funny but she likes the way you sing.
    

Music: Isobel Campbell and Mark Lanegan

Stream tracks from an EP by Isobel Campbell (ex-Belle and Sebastian) and Mark Lanegan (ex-Screaming Trees). Their voices go well together.

Movies: Overrated Actors

On a transatlantic flight, they were showing a film I'd never heard of, "Noel". I was trying to sleep so I didn't bother putting on headphones. Every time I looked up and saw Susan Sarandon, it occurred to me what an overrated actress she is. She did the "sexy older woman" thing she always does. She did the "strong woman shows her vulnerable side" thing she always does. She did the "googly eyes like Bette Davis" thing she always does. Hang it up, Sarandon!

Most overrated actor? Gene Hackman. I haven't watched him on mute yet to verify this, but I'm pretty sure it's him.

Most overrated movie of all time? "Twilight".

TV: Letterman v O'Reilly

The Wahoo Gazette summarises last night's "Late Show", including the interview with Bill O'Reilly. Highlight from Dave: "I am not smart enough to debate you point by point on this, but I have a feeling about 60% of what you say is crap...but I don't know that for a fact." You can watch the video too.

Movies: One Word Summaries

The Sunday Times' TV listings magazine, "Culture", likes to finish its descriptions of films with a one word summary. The films for New Year's Eve:

• The Wedding Planner - "Clichéd."
  
• The Guns Of Navarone - "Rollicking."
  
• King Ralph - "Tired."
  
• Brigadoon - "Enchanting."
  
• The Fugitive - "Gripping."
  
• Police Academy VII: Mission To Moscow - "Dire."
  

A very Happy New Year to everyone, except those bastards at BT Ireland. I hope they choke on their noise-makers.

Sports: Football

• From The Times, the Christmas message from the Lithuanian majority shareholder of Scottish team, Heart Of Midlothian:
  

  "...there are also those — be they agents, journalists, jealous hangers-on or other 'wunderkind' — who seek to ruin all that is good about the game. But it is the devil that is driving them forward, and they are not going to stop. All that will remain for me is to step aside and bid them farewell on their road to hell."

  
  
• That's a funny name for a football club, isn't it? Named after the Walter Scott novel (which you can read online)?
  
• There is a Welsh team called Airbus UK. Their grounds features retractable floodlights because they're beside a runway.
  

Lyrics Quiz: Christmas

Lyrics Quiz for Christmas.

1. And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time.
   
2. Did you ever see the faces Of the children? They get so excited. Waking up on Christmas morning, hours before the winter sun's ignited.
   
3. They sold me a dream of Christmas, they sold me a silent night. They told me a fairy story, 'til I believed in the Israelite.
   
4. Fah who for-aze! Dah who dor-aze! Welcome Christmas, come this way!
   
5. Happy Christmas. I wrapped it up and sent it With a note saying "I love you". I meant it.
   
6. And every day's like Christmas Day without you - it's cold and there's nothing to do.
   
7. Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! But I think I'll miss this one this year.
   
8. Mom got drunk and Dad got drunk at our Christmas party. We were drinking champagne punch and homemade eggnog.
   
9. Two years ago today I was arrested on Christmas Eve.
   

Bonus Christmas greeting from the Cardigans.

Bonus bonus: my favourite song of the season: "Christmas On Riverside Drive" by Kid Creole and the Coconuts (MP3 available here with a load of August Darnell songs).

Internet: Whorepresents.com

The always amusing Caitlin Moran writes in The Times about Whorepresents.com, a website that is actually "Who Represents", not "Whore Presents". (It tells you which agency represents which entertainer - but don't bother going there as it requires a subscription.)

Internet: Santa Hack

How to hack a WalMart Santa (found via Gizmodo).

Lookalikes: David Cameron

The Times points out the uncanny resemblance between new Tory leader David Cameron and Data from "Star Trek". They're right!

Politics: Bertie Ahern

If any Irish people try to give me guff about George W. Bush not being the sharpest sandwich in the picnic basket, I'll express my "sympaty" for their head of "goverment", for that is how Irish Taoiseach Bertie Ahern signed a book of condolences for George Best. This Irish Times article has more examples of Bertie-isms, like "Don't upset the apple tart."

Speaking of Best, the BBC has quotes by and about him, including the immortal "Where did it all go wrong?"