Music: Wilco

The cover of the new Wilco album (and tracklisting) at The Line Of Best Fit.

Movies: Oscars 2007

Some hardy souls are live-blogging the Oscars. I was curious to read what they had to say about Leonardo DiCarprio's near-fellatio of Al Gore.

• Entertainment Weekly. They note that during the Al & Leo bit:
  

  In the audience, Jerry Seinfeld seems ready to roll his eyes.

  
  
• Those professional snarks at Defamer.
  

  Despite Leo DiCaprio's prompting, Al Gore does not announce his candidacy for the presidential race, explaining, "I'm f***ing terrifed of David Geffen calling me a fatty in the New York Times tomorrow."

  
  
• The Onion Av Club's The Hater. I think this is sarcasm:
  

  Al Gore just made a funny, y'all!

  
  
• The Onion's clueless Entertainment columnist, Jackie Harvey. Didn't mention Leo & Al, but had this great line:
  

  Melissa Etheridge could make the phone book interesting if you showed it on screen behind her while she was performing.

  
  
• The Answer May Surprise You may be the puniest live-blog ever.
  

  While I was outside, I apparently missed a very funny exchange between Leo DiCaprio and Al Gore. Something about the environment or running for president or something. My mom tried to recap it for me, but I think she's high.

  
  

Nobody mentioned that Gore has Ted Kennedy's Disease aka "Fat Head".

Magazines: Punch

Project Guterberg has some old issues of Punch available for your perusal, including December 29th, 1920. It includes such rib-ticklers as this:

A woman informed a London magistrate last Tuesday that her husband thrashed her at Easter, Whitsuntide and on August Bank Holiday. Our thoughts were constantly with her during the recent Yuletide festivities.

It is stated that rabies does not exist in Ireland. Our opinion is that it wouldn't be noticed if it did.

"Leather is now much cheaper," we read. Yet we have noticed no drop in the price of restaurant steak.

A vast improvement on 1892:

A Gentleman, whose name is well known in scientific circles, vouches for the following fact. He was, he says, passing a poulterer's shop, when he actually saw a hare buy a rabbit!! He subsequently added, that much depended on the way of spelling "buy."

Celebrities: Jessica Simpson

Apparently, Jessica Simpson is allergic to pizza. I really didn't think she looked that good in the 2007 Superbowl commercial for Pizza Hut - as one commenter says, "what's up with the clown lipstick?"

Music: Lose An "I", Part 2

AKA "Eric's Revenge". Eric supplies these 3 (with some modifications by me):

1. Dyslexic Acura model needs you tonight.
   
2. Silent decay of Glam Metal band.
   
3. 80s singer (with the Cruisers) helps collect taxes.
   

That last one does not refer to Eddie and the Cruisers. It's a singer I have never heard of, which is weird. And I've never heard his best known song.

Music: Add A "U"

Name these bands with an added "U":

1. Sports coat I wear to funeral of Kentucky band?
   
2. Modem manufacturer feels like making love?
   
3. UK punk band adopts sexual position with killer whale?
   

Music: Time Reporting

Headline on Pitchfork: "Pumpkins, Wilco, Ted Leo Added to Primavera". At last, I said to myself, I'll be able to charge time to listening to "Being There". Turns out to be a music festival in Barcelona.

Music: Lose An "I"

Name these artists/bands who have lost an "i"?

1. Do these Oklahoma weirdos set vinyl on fire?
   
2. "Guitar George" may know all the chords, but these guys play really bad Fenders.
   
3. Red-haired bottleneck guitarist joins Glam Metal band.
   
4. 80s avant-garde funk outfit seeks the return of a big green ogre.
   

Video: Girls, Girls, Girls

• The late Anna Nicole Smith in Bryan Ferry's video for "Will You STill Love Me Tomorrow?". (Idolator)
  
• Ali Larter (now on "Heroes") naked (with black bars) in a commercial for body spray. (AdFreak)
  
• Vanessa Paradis (Mrs. Johnny Depp) in the video for her song, "Be My Baby".
  
• More French pop: Axel Red sings "Rester Femme".
  
• Belinda Carlisle sings in French on her new album, but I can't find any vids - instead, a cover of Coldplay's "The Scientist".
  
• The Smithereens with Belinda Carlisle! "Blue Period".
  
• Beyonce and J. Lo (and an American Football player) in a Japanese Pepsi ad.
  
• Japanese bra ad.
  
• Carla Bruni (Italian/French model/singer) sings "If You Were Coming In The Fall".
  

Music: Covers With Original Artist

What cover versions have the original artist doing backing vocals/playing an instrument?

• All of The Smiths appear on Sandie Shaw's version of "Hand In Glove".
  
• Tom Petty sings backup on Johnny Cash's cover of "I Won't Back Down"
  
• Jane Birkin covered Roxy Music's "In Every Dreamhome A Heartache" as a duet with Bryan Ferry.
  
• When Whitney Houston covered Annie Lennox's 'Step by Step', Annie provided the backing vocals.
  

Placenames: Tautology

Tautologous place names:

• Highland Heights, OH
  
• Grange Farm, England
  
• Cove Bay, Scotland
  

Wikipedia list.

Media: Michael Ware

I just saw CNN's Iraq reporter Michael Ware for the first time. What a creepy guy! Mis-shapen face, 5 o'clock shadow, crazy eyes, speaks in strangulated Strine.

Here he is clean-shaven and talking about his 2004 kidnapping. As a commenter says, "Finally!!!! A rare shot of Michael Ware's elusive left nostril!!!!"

What does the internet think "Michael Ware is"? "...an Australian journalist reporting for CNN", "...Super-Shrill", "...a courageous, honorable and truthful reporter", "no Sean Flynn no matter how many times he reads 'Dispatches'", "...a traitor to the US", "...the shizz", "...accused in more than 40 break-ins".

Cryptic Crossword: 11x5

It's my widest crossword yet!

1		2		3		4		5		6
7
8

Across

1. Secret family of French children's author. (11)
7. Direction to corner of Pacific Avenue and Marvin Gardens. (2,3,4,2)
8. Hopes report cleared up the air we breathe. (11)

Down

1. One training for "An Officer, Not A Gentleman" gets "Alien" sequel. (5)
2. Test for fetal problems is extracted from groin, marked, and put back. (5)
3. Heavy metal singer embraces abstainer - "Same again!" (5)
4. Small instrument girl found in "Vanity Fair". (5)
5. Offspring put into circulation. (5)
6. Reduced in rank, Doctor of Divinity leaves to behave theatrically. (5)

News: Fort Worth Star-Telegram

Shell offers up the Gold Standard of "Slow News Day" stories: "4 towels, ashtray taken from Motel 6". The story was picked up by a Philly blog (which refers to "Eulass, Texas").

What is up with the Star-Telegram? They have a blog devoted to "American Idol". Idiots.

Better Motel 6 stories: "Woman’s body found near Suwanee motel", "Sevier Co. mom and daughter find crack pipe in their Knoxville motel room", "Motel 6 murder trial begins", "Arrest made in burglaries of non-profits: Redmond police spot SUV in motel parking lot".

Burial: Fossilisation

It occurred to me (while reading Bill Bryson's "A Short History...") that the best form of burial would be fossilisation. A caller to Australian radio wanted the same thing. Probably not practical. BBC game to create a fossil.

Music: Hodge Podge

Observer article by Sean O'Hagan mourning the loss of mix tapes, independent record shops and sleeve notes. This Sean O'Hagan is not to be confused (as I've been doing) with the one who was in Microdisney and is now the High Llamas. (And provided the music for the Musical Painting.) (Although the Bob Stanley who writes for the Guardian is the Saint Etienne one.)

His partner in Microdisney was the unreliable Cathal Coughlan. Someone on his Message Board posted a review of Lou Reed's concert performance of "Berlin". Good that it was recorded for DVD.

Speaking of mix tapes and vinyl, there are turntables that connect to your PC. There's also a cassette tape ripper.

Recommended unsigned artist: B from Sweden. Don't like the one-letter name but I like his music. (M and X did it first.)

Finally, check out the MySpace page for a Grant McLennan tribute album.

Lyrics Quiz: Guitars

1. He used to carry his guitar in a gunny sack and sit beneath the tree by the railroad track.
   
2. The kids was just crass, he was the Nazz, with God-given ass. He took it all too far but, boy, could he play guitar.
   
3. All I got is a red guitar, three chords and the truth.
   
4. Now that ain't workin'. That's the way you do it. You play the guitar on the MTV.
   
5. Well I got this guitar and I learned how to make it talk. And my car's out back if you're ready to take that long walk from your front porch to my front seat.
   
6. Everybody told me you can't get far on thirty-seven dollars and a Jap guitar.
   
7. Well, late at night when the people were gone, he used to pick up my guitar, and sing a song in a shaky voice that was real as the day was long.
   
8. With the rerun shows and the cocaine nose-job, the daytime crap of the folksinger slob. He hung himself with a guitar string.
   
9. Take the guitar player for a ride. He ain't never been satisfied. He thinks he owes some kind of debt. Be years before he gets over it.
   
10. So, I jumped on a bus to Dun Laoghaire, stopping off to pick up my guitar. When a drunk on a bus told me how to get rich, I was glad we weren't going too far.
    

Bonus: What guitar are you? (I'm a Fender Telecaster.)

Dolls: Dallas Metroplex Barbies

(Sent to me by Jill) DFW Barbies. You can also find this as Colorado Barbies, Houston Barbies, Greensboro (NC) Barbies, Western New York Barbies, D.C. Barbies and even Washington State Barbies.

Religion: Gene and Melissa Scott

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Music: MySpace

• Bobby Cook sounds like an English Ryan Adams ("Drunken View" could have been on "Rock & Roll"). (Found via Torr.)
  
• Kevin Rowland is hosting a new Dexy's track, and loads of great old videos.
  
• Lee Hazlewood has a new album (his last, he says) coming out tomorrow. (And it's named after an Eddie Izzard routine!) Check out his own version of "These Boots Are Made For Walking".
  
• Possibly our greatest living songwriter, Boo Hewerdine, has a version of "Bell, Book & Candle" sung in Japanese by Hitomi Yaida.
  
• Dawn Landes makes nice 'n gentle folky music.
  
• And it's a tad late, but I don't think I ever linked to Pine Cone Punks and their fantastic Holiday song, "Coal For Christmas".
  

Lyrics Quiz: Eric's Two Themes

Eric presents a Lyrics Quiz with two separate (but equal) themes.

Theme A

1. So don't worry about tomorrow, take it today. Forget about the check, we'll get hell to pay.
   
2. Yeah, my whole family done give up on me, and it makes me feel oh so bad. The only one who'll hang out with me, is my dear Old Granddad.
   
3. Take another shot of courage, wonder why the right words never come, you just get numb.
   

Theme B

1. Climb in the back with your head in the clouds, and you're gone.
   
2. Every day I work so hard, bringing home my hard earned pay. Try to love you baby, but you push me away.
   
3. Don't forget this fact, you can't get it back.
   
4. When I first met you, didn't realize. I can't forget you, for your surprise.
   You introduced me, to my mind. And left me wanting, you and your kind.
   
5. Relax, relax, relax, I need some information first. Just the basic facts, can you show me where it hurts?
   

I only got the last one. (D'oh! Should have got B3 too!)

Advertising: Office Depot, Burger King

Mr. B agrees that Office Depot's "Helping Hand" commercial is (a) creepy, and (b) a ripoff of Staples "Easy Button".
So do the internets.

Jay Leno did a risqué takeoff.

You can hack the real Easy Button.

I'm the only one who thinks the Burger King Whopper Jr. commercial has rent boy overtones ("You can't sell yourself for a buck").

Retail: Amazon

Amazon usually makes sound recommendations (although it's embarrassing when that recommendation is made based upon something you bought as a gift for your 12-year-old niece, and Amazon thinks you're a big S Club 7 fan). But then I get this email:

We've noticed that customers who have expressed interest in "Remain in Light" by Talking Heads have also ordered "Some Enchanted Evening" by Art Garfunkel.

Really? REALLY? There's only one thing that can cheer me up now, and that's a photo of Art Garfunkel and his clone.

Movies: Must Watch

It's late at night, you're flipping through the channels, and you stop on a movie. It's a film you've seen a hundred times before, and you really should be going to bed, but you can't help yourself. You've got to watch this movie again. What movies do this for you?

For me, it's "Midnight Run" and "Back To The Future".

Feeble Attempt At Humour

Barbara Walters' 10 Most Wiveting People of 2006.

• Peter Manning - There have been other Cindewella stories in the histowy of the National Football League (a garbageman, a high school coach, a field-goal kicking mule) but none better than that of Peter Manning. This time last year, Manning was a semi-successful model/actor with a stwing of TV commercials on his wesume. In some of these ads, he even played a football player! The Indiana Colts took a chance on this handsome thespian, and Peter wepaid their twust by leading them to the Playouts. If they ever make a movie of his WIVETING life, guess who'll play the lead wole!!!
  
• Dick Cheney - He shot a man in Texas just to watch him die. No one could weally blame him for that, but it was the covew-up that pwoved his undoing. Needless to say, the Vice-Pwesident wesigned when the twuth was wevealed. What he'll do next is anybody's guess, but it's bound to be WIVETING!!!
  
• The Homeless Man Who Begs Near My Studio - I don't know what first piqued my intewest - his psychotic wamblings, his pungent odor, or the wagged clothes that exposed most of his buttocks - but I had to know more about him! I followed him one Apwil evening to the doorway where he makes a bed of bubble-wap and discarded fast food containers. It was one of those mild Spwing nights that whisper, "Summer is just awound the corner!" Perhaps it was the weather, the pathos of his situation, or the Thunderbird wine that we shared, but we ended up making dirty, dirty love on his makeshift bed. As the popping of the plastic bubbles mingled with his gwunts of passion, I was well and twuly WIVETED!!!
  
• iPop - It's not a person, it's a machine. About the size of a shoe, this amazing gadget contains hundweds of tiny wecords, just like a jukebox. I have one and I love it (but I have to ask my gweat-gwandson for help)! Hats off to Bill Gates for inventing this WIVETING music-box!!!
  
• Gewald McWaney - "Major Dad" is still a "Major Stud"! He's the owiginal "McDweamy"! He can "burke" my "delta" anytime! Yes, after all these years, I'm WIVETED!!!
  
• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - Cwazy name! Cwazy guy!
  
• Mel Tillis - No one was more surpwised than me when the stuttewing Countwy Music star went on a tequila-fueled binge in Malibu this year, unleashing a tiwade of anti-Semitic wemarks at police officers. He was certainly not anti-Semitic back in 1973, when we made dirty, dirty love in his dwessing woom at the Gwand Old Opwy. (Although he did accuse the Jews of starting all his ewections!) One thing's for sure - Mel is WIVETING!!! (Actually, upon further weflection, that might have been Woy Acuff in 1973.)
  
• Bawack Obama - He makes no apologies for being Bin Laden's son, but neither does he bwing the subject up. In fact, he seemed confused when I waised the question. But he's not confused about his ambition: to be Amewica's first Pwesident fwom Illinois. To weach that exalted office, he knows he must pwotect his weputation, which is pwobably why he turned down my offer of dirty, dirty sex. Or he's homosexual. Either way, he's WIVETING!!!
  
• "24" - The television show stawwing Keith Sutherland is bweaking all the wules. The scween splits up into two or thwee sections. There is a mystewious "Cookie Monster" who is eating survivors of a plane cwash. And evewy episode lasts twenty-four hours. Too long for me and my tiny bladder, but my gweat-gwandson says it's WIVETING!!!
  
• Woseanne Barr-Arnold-O'Donnell - My final choice may seem a selfish one. After all, I picked Woseanne to be my co-host on "The View". I wanted someone that all the housewives at home could identify with. To be honest, I thought she would talk more about her tewwible ex-husbands, but she has maintained a dignified silence. She doesn't even mention cuwwent husband, Kelly, vewy often. Wecently, Woseanne has been the target of that awful Twump man, and he has twied to dwive a wedge between us. Of course, he has failed. Just last week, I weassured Woseanne before the show, holding her pudgy hands and stwoking her gweasy hair. Before I knew what had happened, we were on the floor making dirty, dirty love. Appawently, we are now "Scissor Sisters". So, Mr, Twump, lay off my Wosie! She's WIVETING!!!
  

Photos: Cute

Awwww!!!

Music: Self-References

What singers have sung their own names in a song? (Let's not include rappers.)

• My name is Prince and I am funky. (Prince, obv.)
  
• No, my first name ain't "baby" - it's Janet. Miss Jackson, if you're nasty. (Miss Jackson)
  
• Where the only water flowing is the bitter Sting of tears. (Sting)
  
• Because of a few songs wherein I spoke of their mystery, women have been exceptionally kind to my old age. They make a secret place in their busy lives and they take me there. They become naked in their different ways, and they say, "Look at me, Leonard. Look at me one last time." Then they bend over the bed and cover me up, like a baby that is shivering. (Leonard Cohen)
  
• Talking to myself, causing great concern for my health. Where is your head, Kathryn? (Kathryn Dawn Lang aka k.d. lang)
  

Advertising: Aveeno

It's the question that all America is asking: Who is the Aveeno Girl? Here's a photo. She's a Dutch model named Daniella van Graas. Her accent coach was Doug Honorof. She played a "beauty" in "Something's Gotta Give", directed by that hack, Nancy Meyers

Monkeys: TSA

The TSA has published guidelines for traveling with a Monkey Helper. "TSOs will conduct a visual inspection on the monkey and will coach the handler on how to hold the monkey during the visual inspection." "The inspection process may require that the handler take off the monkey’s diaper as part of the visual inspection." (Via Defamer.)

Telephone: Greetings

I was watching a boring Italian film. The only interesting part was learning that the Italians answer the phone with the word "Pronto". It means "ready" (the Spanish "pronto" means soon). This article describes telephone greetings around the world. The Japanese win with "Moshi moshi". And too bad that Alexander Graham Bell's "Ahoy-hoy!" never caught on with anyone other than Mr. Burns.

Magic: The Kruskal Count

The death has occurred of mathematician Martin Kruskal. He invented (or discovered) a magic trick called the Kruskal Count. (Further mathematical analysis of the trick.)

Bonus mathematical tricks by Martin Gardner.

Lyrics Quiz: Clothes

Lyrics about clothes. Name the artist & song.

1. They seek him here, they seek him there. His clothes are loud, but never square.
   
2. I, I love the colorful clothes she wears, and the way the sunlight plays upon her hair.
   
3. She's so swishy in her satin and tat, in her frock coat and bippity-boppity hat. Oh, God, I could do better than that.
   
4. Talking to the guy who lives downstairs and walking around in ridiculous flares.
   
5. I'd like to drop my trousers to the Queen. Every sensible child will know what this means.
   
6. Here he comes, he's all dressed in black. PR shoes and a big straw hat.
   
7. Feel this sweater, there's no better than authentic Irish Setter.
   
8. So baby, let's sell your diamond rings to buy some boots and faded jeans and go away. This coat and tie is choking me. In your high society, you cry all day.
   
9. The way you wear your hat. The way you sip your tea.
   
10. Bless my cotton socks I'm in the news.
    
11. Your hat strategically dipped below one eye. Your scarf it was apricot.
    

Quotations: 2006

What were the best quotes of 2006? About.com has the 25 Dumbest Quotes, but they use the wrong part of Bush's overheard conversation at the G8 Summit. Surely "Yo Blair" was the most memorable line? And they quote Mel Gibson's anti-Semitic tirade instead of the phrase I want carved on my tombstone: "What are you looking at, Sugartits?"

The Associated Press also swings and misses, picking a bland Michael Richards apology quote instead of the "Afro-American" one.

BBC Sport has some sporting quotes. The Commentators' Classics are best: "Snakes on a plane? What's that all about?"

For the true nerd, Byte And Switch has the Top Ten Quotes from the storage networking industry. "I'm not sure iSCSI is the right storage protocol the industry needs. I think storage needs to move away from block-level storage protocols and embrace other semantics." Too bloody right!

But my favourite quote of the year came from the Bishop of Southwark. After imbibing too freely at the Irish Embassy in London, he was found in the back seat of someone's car, throwing toys out the window. When asked to explain himself, he replied: "I'm the Bishop of Southwark. It's what I do."

Animals: Strange Stories

Weird animal stories.

• Mice escape on Saudi flight
  
• Actress Natasha Lyonne is accused of threatening to sexually molest a neighbour's dog
  
• 7-legged deer with male and female organs was hit by truck in Wisconsin - and the driver ate it. "It was tasty."
  
• And the world's tallest man saved two dolphin in China by sticking his long arms down to their stomachs and removing plastic. I hope Hollywood makes a movie about this guy with Yao Ming and the delightful Billy Crystal.
  

Sports: John David Booty

USC quarterback John David Booty is a headline writer's dream. "UCLA plans to set a Booty trap against USC" says the San Jose Mercury. Shell suggested "Booty-licious", and indeed, that's how the Detroit Free Press captioned an AP photo. The New York Post used "Booty Call" for the Notre Dame game. "USC's QB no longer a sleeping Booty" said the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. I want to see "Defensive Line Can't Shake Booty".

By the way, if anyone has USC v UCLA on Tivo, go to the end of the 3rd quarter and watch the UCLA waterboy with the glasses and backpack. Talk about gratuitous butt-slapping. Someone should check his credentials to see if he's even part of the team.

Why does he go by a serial killer three-part name? To distinguish him from his father.

And speaking of funny names, maybe the former Russian Prime Minister, Yegor Gaidar, who was struck by a mystery illness in Ireland, would find a geiger counter more useful than "gaydar".

TV: "CSI: Miami"

7 minutes of David Caruso's deadpan lines at the start of every "CSI: Miami". How many can you withstand? I made it to his quip about a victim who died after Speed Dating, "You know what they say - speed kills." And the way he pauses in the middle of the lines to put on his sunglasses! How can anyone take this show (or him) seriously? Another ridiculous clip.

David Spade mocks him.

A young firebrand wrote a letter to Entertainment Weekly back in 1994 when Caruso left "NYPD Blue", predicting he'd have "a long movie career - a Shelley Long career", due to his red hair. That drew an irate reply two issues later: "To say that 'many people view ginger-haired people with suspicion, bordering on repulsion' is the nastiest sort of bigotry, just as objectionable as if he were referring to black people, Jewish people, or anyone." Good times!

TV News: Body Check

Fox News reporter body checks an OSU fan who tries to interrupt his live report.

And here's the Channel 8 (Dallas) streaker. And a Seattle streaker.

Poems: Various Women

Some poems about women.

Amy Sedaris
Is hard to embarrass.

Everybody hurts
Except for Swoosie Kurtz.

Nicole Richie
Is frequently bitchy.

Katie Holmes
Is attracted to gnomes.

YouTube: Tirades

• Michael Richards' racist tirade at the Laugh Factory - just sad.
  
• Chicago Cubs manager Lee Elia profane tirade from 1983 - also sad.
  
• Medley of NFL coachs' tirades - sad, except for Jim Mora's contributions ("Diddly poo").
  
• Faye Dunaway conceited voicemail tirade - pathetic.
  
• Director of 2004 Democratic National Convention calling for more balloons - that's the Demmycrats for you.
  
• Minor League Baseball manager's ultimate tantrum - now that's funny!
  

Sunday Football Miscellany

• I'm surprised that CBS and FOX don't show fake blow-out scores for the games on the other network, to discourage viewers from switching over.
  
• Is Mangini the plural of Mangina? (NSFW)
  
• Why does Phil Simms always sound like he doesn't know what he's talking about? (He's 66% annoying.)
  
• Someday soon, someone will uncover a giant game-fixing scandal in the NFL, and Exhibit 1 will be today's Colts-Cowboys game. (I write this with 11:36 remaining in the 4th quarter, tied 14-14.)
  

Music: Similar Names

Cut-out-and-keep guide to similarly named artists: one a rapper, the other not.

• Rick Ross (or Ro$$) is a Florida rapper. Ricky Ross is the lead singer of Scotland's Deacon Blue.
  
• Jim Jones is a NY rapper. Jim James is the lead singer of My Morning Jacket - playing the Gypsy Tea Room tomorrow night. I'll be there, wearing my evening jacket.
  
• Warren G is a West Coast rapper. Warren G. Harding was the 29th President of the USA, who regulated, East Coast style.
  

Internet: Crazy People

I was Googling something else entirely and found this deposition (allegedly) in the case of William Tyree Jr. v the Central Intelligence Agency, George Bush and others. In one excerpt, the witness says:

My Uncle Pat told me not to listen to anything my father was discussing with me. He was disillusional and I needed to leave him to the state.

I love that word "disillusional". It shows up in a surprising number of Google search results, considering it's not a real word.

This page is part of this crazy person's web site.

Giant front page with no clear organisation of contents? Check.
Links to 9/11 and Chemtrail Conspiracy theories? Check. Flashing text and flashing images? Check.

So what's this guy's personal brand of kookiness? He rails against the "Bush-Millman-Clinton Crime Family". There's even a diagram. And who's Millman? This guy's ex-father-in-law, from what I can make out. It's all too pathetic.

Music: Ryan Adams

Lots of new music at Ryan Adams web site. Although, frankly, most of it is unlistenable. But at least he's having fun.

Lyrics Quiz: Girls

Can you name these songs about girls? While you're working on the list, stream "Graffiti Girl" by Mark Pickerel.

1. I've got so much honey, the bees envy me. I've got a sweeter song than the birds in the trees.
   
2. Oh mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones.
   
3. You know, I feel so dirty when they start talking cute. I wanna tell her that I love her but the point is probably moot.
   
4. The diving man's coming up for air, 'cause the crowd all love pulling Dolly by the hair. By the hair.
   
5. Ten silver saxes, a bass with a bow. The drummer relaxes and waits between shows.
   
6. You've made me acknowledge the devil in me. I hope to God I'm talkin' metaphorically. Hope that I'm talkin' allegorically.
   
7. Friday night and I need a fight. My motorcycle and a switchblade knife. Handful of grease in my hair feels right. But what I need to make me tight are...
   
8. Some boys try and some boys lie but I don't let them play. Only boys who save their pennies make my rainy day.
   
9. Is there anybody going to listen to my story, all about the girl who came to stay?
   
10. Hurry up, hurry up and wait. I stay awake all week and still I wait. I got the blues. Please come see, what your loving means to me.
    
11. You're such a beautiful fish, floppin' on the summer sand. Lookin' for the wave you missed when another one is close at hand.
    
12. High and dry, out of the rain. It's so easy to hurt others when you can't feel pain.
    

Music: Beyonce

Beyonce sings "Irreplaceable" on "TRL". Like the all-female band. Has anyone commented on how the hooky line, "To the left, to the left", presciently anticipated America's electoral swing?

Movies: Promotional Anecdotes

We all know the movie promotion drill by now: film-maker prepares entertaining anecdotes about the production that will whet our appetite, trots them out on the late night circuit. If it's a horror movie, the stories revolve around mysterious happenings on the set. If it's a romantic comedy, the co-star makes coy references to the chemistry between the lead actors.

Now Entertainment Weekly's Holiday Movie Preview has produced the lamest movie promotion anecdote in recorded history. Hack writer-director Nancy Meyers is promoting "The Holiday", starring Cameron Diaz and Jack Black.

"Near the end of the movie, there's this party where Jack's dancing in a suit and he was getting really hot," says Meyers. "I had a powerful air conditioner moved over.... He just pulled up a chair and sat right in front of it."

Wow! A fat guy sat in front of an air conditioner to keep cool! Now this is a movie I gotta see! (At least there's a photo of Cameron Diaz in a bathtub.)

Music: The Cake Sale

There's a charity record out in Ireland, "The Cake Sale", to benefit Oxfam Ireland. Artists featured include Damien Rice, Glen Hansard (The Frames) and the ever lovely Nina Persson. The MySpace page has the song Nina sings, "Black Winged Bird". "Some Surprise" is nice, too.

Video: Matrix Ping Pong

Well worth 1:43 of your time: Matrix Ping Pong.

Here's another variety act that must have taken a lot of rehearsal: two guys in anoraks.

And something that requires very little skill, but is still hugely entertaining: guy singing "Mule Train" while smashing a tray on his head.

Lyrics Quiz: Mystery Theme 2

A Lyrics Quiz with a Mystery Theme from Eric. I don't know a single one of these, so don't ask me.

1. He's got greasy hair, greasy smile, He says, "Lord this must be my destination".
   
2. Although I laugh and I act like a clown, Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown.
   
3. He wants to dream like a young man, With the wisdom of an old man. He wants his home and security, He wants to live like a sailor at sea.
   
4. Unlucky in love, least that's what they say. He lost his head, And he gambled his heart away. He still keeps searching, Though there's nothing left. Staked his heart and lost, Now he has to pay the cost.
   
5. That must have been lust, I was living in style, When the walls fell in, When I played my hand, I looked like a joker. Turn around. Fate must have woke her. 'Cause lady luck she was Waiting outside the door.
   

6. Another dark night, in the city,
   And my prospects lookin' thin.
   The survival of the fittest
   Is the law, in the world that I live in.
   
   I was not born, to be a fighter
   But now's the time I have to learn
   To keep my head, above the water
   Gotta play with fire, but not get burned.
   
   I gotta stand up, I gotta face it
   Don't want to lose it
   I want to taste it while it's hot
   Don't want to waste it, I need it so bad.

   
   

"Hint - Theme is a lyric from song number 1, but not the title."

Music: Stylus Magazine

Stylus Magazine has a few features worth your time:

• Top 50 Live Albums Of All Time. They're missing "Take No Prisoners".
  
• Who's better: U2 or REM?
  
• Critical evaluation of "Electric Blue" by Icehouse (I didn't know it was co-written by John Oates).
  
• Review of a film about Zidane, with music by Mogwai.
  

Pop Culture: Captains Quiz

Match these famous Captains with their real names.

1. Captain America (superhero)	A. Raymond Burns
2. Captain (of Tennille fame)	B. Daryl Dragon
3. Captain Fantastic (alter ego)	C. Bob Keeshan
4. Captain Sensible (of The Damned)	D. Elton John
5. Captain Kangaroo (children's TV host)	E. Horatio McCallister
6. The Sea Captain (Simpsons character)	F. Steve Rogers

Music: Round-Up

• If you like Mojave 3 or Trespassers William, stream an album by Barzin. Mmm, murmury. (Recommended by Chromewaves.)
  
• Video for Midlake's "Head Home". Better period drama video. (Linked to by Torr, who comments on their Fleetwood Mac-ness. Thanks to Robb for turning me on to Midlake.)
  
• Being that November 5 is Ryan Adams' birthday (as well as, amazingly, Bryan Adams! Oh, and Gram Parsons, which is more apt, and Tilda Swinton, just because she came up in conversation the other day), rbally has a concert from October 17. Check out "Freeway To The Canyon". Turns out to be a Neal Casal song - Packwood has been recommending him for about 10 years. Casal is touring with Adams.
  
• For strange and obscure recordings, you can't beat WFMU's Beware Of The Blog. "Teenage Kicks" played on ukeleles, Southern Gospel radio, shortwave radio scans - it's all here.
  

Religion: Ted Haggard

Is this the most gloatable scandal ever involving a senior church official? Newsweek has an interview with the male prostitute, and audio clips of Ted Haggard and the alleged voicemails he sent. There's also a video clip of Haggard railing against homosexuality.

Harpers has reposted an article from May 2005 on the Evangelical movement with a lot about Haggard. Interesting stuff on Colorado Springs, market economics in religion, and how Pastor Ted believes that an evil force called 'Control' makes telephone calls to him.

For those of you don't like reading, YouTube has an interview that evolutionist Richard Dawkins did with Haggard. What a weird mouth he has, how strange the way he purses his lips.

The "In The News" section of his official site makes no mention of his recent troubles.

Celebrities: Children's Entertainment

Children's books, children's movies, children's TV shows, children's records: they mean big $$$, and celebrities are ka-chinging in. Can you distinguish between the real and fake items in this list?

1. Paul McCartney, jealous of Ringo Starr's success narrating "Thomas The Tank Engine", has his own TV show for youngsters, "Heather, The One-Legged Whore".
   
2. Selfish Dallas Cowboy, Terrell Owens, has written a book for kids: "Little T Learns to Share". He's already planning the sequels: "Little T Learns What Not to Say" and "Little T Learns To Say I'm Sorry".
   
3. Contemporary folk artist, Beth Orton, has recorded an English 'books on tape' version of Dr. Seuss: "Orton 'Ears An 'Oo".
   
4. Before his untimely death, Spalding Gray was developing a monologue aimed at children, "Billygoat? Yes. Gruff? No!"
   
5. Devo has created Devo 2.0, a group of kids who play family-friendly versions of old Devo songs.
   

Music: MP3 Blogs

The Rich Girls Are Weeping has an MP3 of Jarvis Cocker from Pulp reciting "The Lion And Albert". Good voice, but he's no Stanley Holloway.

You can hear a track from Cocker's solo album at his MySpace page. It has a very rude chorus.

Hallowe'en: Costumes

• Awesome Transformer costume.
  
• How to dress like Adam Ant (in his various periods - except his most recent crazy period). (Via Copy, Right?.)
  
• Bill Maher's tasteless Steve Irwin costume.
  
• Makezine's costume contest entries and a radio-controlled Dalek pumpkin!
  

Aviation: Pilot Retirement Age

A lot of news organisations have reported on the forced retirement of Southwest Airlines pilot (and former astronaut), Robert "Hoot" Gibson at age 60. All of these reports have focused on the mandatory retirement rule. But some of these stories mention in passing that Gibson is married to an astronaut.

Talk about burying the lede! NASA put a gay man in space?!?!? When did that happen? How come there was no outcry from the Religious Right, fighting to preserve the sanctity of space?

Update. Okay, apparently he's married to a female astronaut. My bad.

Music: Old 97s

Just saw a TV commercial for Chili's with a version of their "I Want My Baby Back" jingle that sounded a hell of a lot like the Old 97s. Lawsuit, I thought. Turns out, it is the Old 97s.

rbally has an Old 97s show from 1999. (And Smiths, Cat Power, Johnny Cash, Jeff Tweedy, Tom Waits...)

Sports: Appropriate Names

A variation on Robb's original sports-appropriate names: which players have (or had) names appropriate to their team?

Robb suggests former Philadelphia Eagles punter, Jeff Feagles.

I'll add the Texas Rangers' Mark Teixeira. Pity he has that first "i" in his name - but then he'd be a comic book artist.

Rhett Bomar would have been a perfect fit for OU (with the inevitable "Bomar Sooner!" headlines) were it not for the compensation scandal. (And for mixing alcohol and Dr. Pepper?)

Colt McCoy is a great name for a Texas Longhorn, but it would be even better if he gets drafted by Indianapolis.

Any more?

TV: Irish TV

Jim started it off by pointing me to "Wanderly Wagon" on YouTube, asking, "Was the theme music always that shite?" I think this was a later version. Did I ever mention that I appeared on the show (with about 100 other kids)?

Is there anything more annoying than the voice of "Bosco"?

"The Late, Late Show" in Lego.

Some musical performances from "The Late, Late Show" (always the best part):

• U2 in 1980 - Bono even works it into "Stories For Boys".
  
• U2 do "All I Want Is You" - great version in tribute to the Omagh victims.
  
• The Virgin Prunes.
  
• The Corrs doing "Everybody Hurts".
  

Gay Byrne punk'd by Mike Murphy (which apparently causes Princess Grace's death).

And the best for last: "D'Unbelievables"!

Motorcycles: Empty Sidecars

Nothing ticks me off more than a motorcycle with an empty sidecar. No, a dog doesn't count.

Haven't these people seen the price of gas? Don't they know that our dependence on foreign oil is dragging us into unwinnable wars?

This sidecar has only one person when it looks like it could fit a lot more.

OK, here's a sidecar that is acceptably empty.

Media: Mike Snyder

Shell points me (with a proper link, no less) to a Dallas Observer/Unfair Park blog item: NBC5 and Mike Snyder make a couple of goofs on a news story. I actually feel a little sympathy for Snyder here, and applaud the straightforward way he acknowledges his mistake. But he's still a pompous ass. And we can never forgive Channel 5 for the odious "Let's JaM!" campaign. Here's an old Jane McGarry flub. And from 1987, Harold Taft shows you how it ought to be done.

Advertising: Sony

Sony's exploding paint ad for their Bravia TVs. I'm with the commenters who say there must be some CGI touch-ups. The official page has a high-res video in the hated QuickTime format.

Music: Tom Waits

Tom Waits has a triple CD coming out next month, "Orphans" (that's nothing - Vince Gill has a 4-disc set). His record label Anti has two tracks to download, and Pitchfork has another.

rbally has a live performance from 1974.

Details of his 1990 lawsuit against Frito-Lay, including a soundfile of the ad. (I wonder what ever happened to the impersonator, Dallas singer Stephen Carter?)

Meanwhile, Scarlett Johansson is reportedly recording an album of Waits covers.

Sports: Trivia

What do Jerry West, Harmon Killebrew, Jim Ferree, and Alex Rodríguez have in common?

Animation: Album Cover War

Great concept, great execution: Album Cover War. What's the cover with the dog?

TV: "Jay Jay The Jet Plane"

On a recent episode of "Jay Jay The Jet Plane", Lina was afraid to fly over the ocean. Mechanic Brenda Blue (I'll bet she's popular with lesbians) told Lina to imagine flying under the water, and think of all the wonderful sea creatures she would find there. This is enough to cure Lina of her aquaphobia.

I totally call bullshit on this. Wouldn't imagining her deepest fear be traumatic for Lina? And how did she imagine all those fish and coral in her fantasy? Bad psychology, PBS Kids.

Miscellany: Sunday

• Has anyone else noticed that gravity seems to be getting stronger lately?
  
• People love kissing pigs. Or pig statues. Even at Christmas. Whoever raises the most money to fight illiteracy in Jacksonville
  gets to kiss a pig. Personally, I don't get this porcine osculation fetish. If I had to kiss any animal, it would be the first dog to bite Nancy Grace, from sheer gratitude. (Although I'd have it tested for rabies first.)
  
• Are we going to have to ban playing the guitar while driving?
  
• CBS is trumpeting their rhyming Sunday night schedule: "The Amazing Race", "Cold Case", "Without A Trace". Not to be outdone, NBC will follow "Deal Or No Deal" with dating show "The 5th Wheel", "The Seventh Seal" (series based on Bergman classic), and "Biel Steals A Meal For Keel", in which the lovely Jessica Biel must procure nourishment for the zombified corpse of musical actor Howard Keel.
  
• Ignore the pathos of grown women teaching their pets to say "I love my Mama", and the canned laughter, and just admit there's nothing funnier than talking dogs.
  

Politics: Page Scandal

Wonkette highlights an unfortunately (or craftily) phrased sentence from The Hill:

Hastert and Boehner need to get on the same page or Republican troubles will continue to mount.

I wish I'd thought of that one!

Writers: "Bachem Macuno"

The blog of a bitter TV/film writer, Agents Can Eat My Ass Out Like Hungry Bears. Don't miss the link to rejected "Love Is.." comics ("Love is nothing in your inbox since the night you let him up your outbox").

Ideas: Brilliant

Two brilliant ideas, free to you, the general public.

• You know how hard it is to gauge the dress code for certain situations? A night at the symphony, dinner at a sit-down restaurant, the funeral of a hippy. I have the perfect solution: wear a clown costume. No one is going to say, "Excuse me, sir, but you should be wearing a formal clown suit." (Robb disagrees, pointing out that some clown suits are formal.)
  
• You know that mist that forms in the neck of a beer bottle when you pop the top? I say we save it up, and send it to drought-ravaged areas of the world. I'm keeping mine in a mason jar in my freezer.
  

Politics: Mark Foley

Can Rep. Mark Foley save his career by promising to turn over a new page? (Too soon?)

Business: Appropriate Names

This New York Times/CNET story about a Firefox security flaw quotes Mozilla's security chief, Window Snyder. Her name was even more appropriate when she used to work for Microsoft.

Here's her blog (infrequently updated, understandably).

Movies: Polls

Radar magazine polled Hollywood insiders in such categories as "Nightmare Actor" (Russell Crowe), "Biggest Hack" (Brett Ratner), "Biggest Credit Hog" (Brian Grazer) and "Biggest Mensch" (Ron Meyer, head of Universal).

(Thanks to Shell for the link.)

Music: Lloyd Cole

Stream Lloyd Cole's new album. Very pleasant. I'd love to hear George Strait doing a countrified version of "How Wrong Can You Be".

Or listen to Scottish band Camera Obscura sing "Lloyd, I'm Ready To Be Heartbroken".

Lloyd and the Commotions had a mini-reunion back in 2004.

YouTube videos: "Rattlesnakes", "Perfect Skin", "Forest Fire", "Are You Ready To Be Heartbroken?" (live), "Brand New Friend", "My Bag" (did he have to change "powder my nose" to "launder my clothes" for MTV?), "Jennifer She Said", "Don't Look Bad", "She's A Girl And I'm A Man" (those last two feature the late guitarist Robert Quine's "reliably understated seething").

And is Jimmy Carr a Lloyd Cole lookalike?

Movies: "The Science Of Sleep"

Here's a funny little video/trailer/PSA for Michel Gondry's new film, "The Science Of Sleep". I like the gal in the video, Linda Serbu. I like the way she says "kitty". Here's a short film she made about pet adoption. And here's a her music video with Simone White. I hope Michel is schtupping one, if not both, of them.

Chromewaves, one of the classiest MP3 blogs around, also has an MP3 of the song the cats sing in "The Science Of Sleep": "If You Rescue Me" (sung to the tune of the Velvet Underground's "After Hours").

Comic Strips: "The Family Circus"

After yesterday's post, Eric wants to know if there's a web site that explains "The Family Circus". There is a YouTube video that asks people to explain one particular joke. (And, to one of the guys featured at the start of the video, the Family Circus makes us all "angry and depressed".) There is also an archive of the Dysfunctional Family Circus, which asked readers to submit new captions for actual drawings. Example. Not much quality control on this.

Comic Strips: "Marmaduke"

Enjoy Marmaduke but don't always get the jokes? Lucky for you, there's Marmaduke Explained.

Brought to you by the Mathletes (check out their expensive video for "Pinocchiobot" - the money is all on the screen).

Psychology: Definition Of Madness

There's a frequently quoted definition of madness: "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". The saying is variously attributed to Benjamin Franklin and Einstein.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I see that as a definition of stupidity.

My definition of madness is to wrap a vacuum cleaner hose around your waist, put an aluminium pie plate on your head, and say "Look at me! I'm Laverne and Shirley!"

Animals: 4-Legged Chickens

Eric sent me a link to this story about a 4-legged chicken discovered in Pennsylvania. No picture, unfortunately. But here's a 4-legged chick from 2003, in Delaware. And here's one from 2006 in New Zealand. (There are a lot of freaky animals on that last blog.)

Animals: Pandas

Zoo Week continues: drunken Chinese man is bitten by panda he wanted to hug and tries to bite its back "but its fur was too thick".

Is there anything drunker than a drunken Chinaman? No, there is not. #2 in drunkenness: monks. #3: judges. (Sailors are not as drunken as you might think.)

Here's a video of a panda grabbing a zoo vistor's jacket.

Animals: Crossbred Lions

The lion sleeps tonight, and most of the day too, because it's a cross-breeding experiment gone horribly wrong. Why couldn't they breed ligers?

(Thanks to Eric for the link.)

Business: Bad Brand Names

What are the worst brand names of all time?

• Hydrox cookies. It sounds like bleach, but it was actually the original sandwich cookie, ripped off by Oreo. (You can sign a petition to bring them back.)
  
• Phillie Blunt. It's a cheap cigar, but sounds like a doobie. (Which may be its eventual use.)
  
• Piggly Wiggly. Supermarkets are neither piggly nor wiggly.
  
• Price Pfister. Faucets - or, as they say, pfaucets. That's pfunny, but it still sounds like a pfilthy pform of pfornication.
  
• Gap and Old Navy are bad enough, but Forth & Towne is pretentious as all get out.
  

Completely unrelated: the White Stripes on "The Simpsons". It's a parody of the "Hardest Button To Button" video by Michel Gondry.

Movies: Queenan On Eszterhas

Funny Joe Queenan review of Joe Eszterhas' memoir. Excerpt:

A lengthy series of axioms, anecdotes, exhortations, accolades, admonitions and insults, the book does not need to be read in the order in which it was written. Rather, much as in the case of the Old Testament, which it greatly resembles in its stylistic delicacy and unquavering jeremiadic tone, the reader can dip in anywhere.

True, since the author, now 62, regularly refers to such once-mythical but now obscure figures as Zsa Zsa Gabor, Yvonne de Carlo, Elizabeth Berkley and William Faulkner, it is not certain that the intended reader will understand all the references. Still, the overall message — everyone in Hollywood is an untrustworthy moron except me and a couple of directors I might one day work with again — comes through fairly clearly.

Gambling: Roulette

Device to help you win at roulette - costs £1,000, or about $1,877.

More roulette cheats.

And here's an online roulette game - I quit when I got up to $700.

Politics: Robert Novak

Get a jump on next Monday's "Daily Show" by watching this C-SPAN video of Robert Novak. Skip to the last five minutes to hear Novak say:

Somebody mentioned the Jon Stewart program. I've never seen that in my life and I'll go to my grave never having seen it ... A self-righteous comedian taking on airs of grandeur, and I don't really need that.

Could it be because of moments like this? Ot the "Snake On A Plame" reference? Or because he awarded Novak the "Congressional Medal of Douche Bag"?

Alternatively, you can watch the Bert Blyleven F-Bomb.

Phrases: "Zip Up Yer Mickey"

Irish entertainer Twink (real name: Adele King) had a messy separation from her husband this year. Someone has leaked the answering machine message she left for him after his mistress had a baby. You can hear it at this band's MySpace page. (Warning: strong language.) And there's an unnecessary remix.

The standout phrase, "Zip up yer mickey", has become a t-shirt.

There's also a new operating system based on the tape.

Here's a photo of her 1960s girl group, Maxi, Dick 'n' Twink. (Helpful hint: make sure you have SafeSearch enabled before searching for "dick" and "twink".)

Lyrics Quiz: Hair

Name these songs that mention hair. I've removed the (Title) from two of them. Quiz inspired by #6, mentioned by Robb the other week.

1. Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place, where as a child I'd hide, and pray for the thunder and the rain to quietly pass me by.
   
2. It's late in the evening. She's wondering what clothes to wear. She puts on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair.
   
3. I got a girlfriend with bows in her hair. And nothing is better than that.
   
4. The girls comb their hair in rearview mirrors, and the boys try to look so hard.
   
5. Her hair was golden brown. (Title) like a cornfield.
   
6. She had hair like Jeannie Shrimpton, back in 1965. She had legs that never ended. I was halfway paralyzed.
   
7. With your long blonde hair and your eyes of blue, the only thing I ever got from you was (title).
   
8. Lily Belle, your hair is golden brown. I've seen your black man comin' round.
   
9. Don't u know straight hair ain't got no curl?
   
10. Well, my friends are gone and my hair is grey. I ache in the places where I used to play.
    
11. If they dare touch a hair on your head, I'll fight to the last breath.
    
12. I can promise you, you'll stay as beautiful, with dark hair, and soft skin...forever. Forever.
    
13. Says she likes my hair 'cause it's down my back. Says she likes the group 'cause we pull in the slack.
    

Update: Robb adds this one:

14. I don't know what color your eyes are, baby, but your hair is long and brown.

TV: Recycled Titles

New TV shows have a depressing similarity to previous ones: a group of "friends" share laughs and love, a criminal mastermind and his crew pull off heists, a group of strangers are brought together by a traumatic event. Why don't the networks take it a step further and re-use old TV show titles?

• "Will & Grace" - George F. Will and Nancy Grace debate current events, with the hideous Grace trying to link everything to Natalee Holloway, and the pompous Will making gratuitous references to baseball.
  
• "Father Knows Best" - A working class stiff is abused by his wife and kids until he befriends the Beatles' first drummer, Pete Best.
  
• "The Jeffersons" - The third President of the USA, a basketball player, and a tall English cricket player form an elite crime-fighting squad. They use their powers of constitutional politics, dribbling, and reaching objects on high shelves to avenge the downtrodden.
  
• "Knots Landing" - A North Carolina town is plagued by a mysterious...er...plague of bits of string falling from the sky. Only the malevolent Eagle Scout leader (Dylan Baker) seems unconcerned.
  
• "Who's The Boss" - Dr. Who replaces David Brent as the manager of Wernham Hogg in this spin-off of "The Office".
  
• "Diff'rent Strokes" - It's the Monkees with a modern twist. The members of the Strokes share a New York apartment. In order to pay the rent, they have to take day jobs - but they never seem to last longer than one episode!
  
• "Family Ties" - A family-owned necktie company struggles in the era of "buiness casual".
  
• "Saved By The Bell" - An FBI sharp-shooter protects a small town from his perch atop the church steeple. Every episode ends with the villain trying to shoot our hero, but the titular bell deflects the bullets.
  
• "Wings" - A colorful cast of characters populates a chicken wing restaurant. It will probably be derided as a "Cheers" knockoff.
  

Physiology: Butt Implants?

Robb sent me the photos seen on this page and wanted to know if they were butt implants or Photoshop. Even the Snopes messageboard crowd can't agree. I wonder how she'd score on this equation devised by British boffins to measure the perfect female derriere. (Nice touch in the news article to get a quote from Sir Mix-A-Lot.)

Here are some jokes sent to Snopes by stupid readers. I like the airplane/Coca Cola/shoe one. But jeers to Snopes for having pop-up ads.

Videos: Weatherman v Cockroach

Rather gay TV weatherman is startled by insect crawling up his leg. Even more startled than the baby panda's mother.

Sports: Andrea Kremer

She has a glowing resume but I'd never seen Andrea Kremer until tonight's NFL game on NBC. She's their sideline reporter. All I'll say is, I can't wait to see Amy Poehler's impression of her on SNL. (Although Cheri Oteri would have been better at catching the craziness in her eyes.) And why does this profile start with the quote, "I need a box?"

Videos: Baby Panda Sneeze

Video of a baby panda sneezing - it'll have to hold you over until they release the stingray video.

Lyrics Quiz: Sandwiches

I was hungry when I made up this here Lyrics Quiz, and kept thinking about sandwiches.

1. In the town where I was born, lived a man who sailed to sea. And he told us of his life, in the land of sandwiches.
   
2. But I'm just a sandwich and nobody loves me. (He's just a sandwich from a poor family.)
   
3. Just like a paperback novel - the kind that drugstores sell. When you reach the part where the heartaches come, the sandwich would be me. But sandwiches often fail.
   
4. The guilty undertaker sighs, the lonesome organ sandwich cries, the silver saxophones say I should refuse you.
   
5. Meanwhile, far away in another part of town, Sandwich Carter and a couple of friends are drivin' around. Number one contender for the middleweight crown. Had no idea what kinda shit was about to go down.
   
6. Merry Christmas, I sandwiched it up and sent it, with a note saying "I love you", and I meant it.
   

And some bonus bread lyrics:

1. She's been living in her white bread world, as long as anyone with hot blood can.
   
2. Yeah, I'd break bread and wine, if there was a church I could receive in.
   
3. Buying bread from a man in Brussels. He was six foot four and full of muscles.
   
4. There's a skeleton choking on a crust of bread.
   
5. I don't mind stealing bread from the mouths of decadence.
   

Office Pools: American Football

Hard to believe that the NFL season starts on Thursday. Once again, you can join a free football pool at Enterpool.

In the Enterpool version, you pick each game against the line (generally published on Friday - except for Thursday games). You also assign "confidence points" for each game. If you pick the correct winner, you score that many points. More information here.

If you're not already a member, registration is simple. Then click "Join A Group" to add yourself to the public league.

If you have a lot of friends, or want to start an office pool, click "Start A Group" to create a private league. You'll be able to invite your pals to join.

My tip: go ahead and make all your picks for the season now. You can go back and change them later, but at least you'll have some picks in case you forget/lose your internet connection/get called out of town.

Videos: Humourous

Funny videos at lulu.tv. Too bad they don't have a Search box.

• British lass tries the Mentos and Pepsi trick on herself.
  
• Silent movie version of "Dirty Dancing": "The Corner'ingation Of Baby". Love that 1920s slang! Could have done with a little spellcheck, though.
  
• "Napoleon Bonamite" - claymation.
  
• The Emperor takes a call from Darth Vader - animated.
  
• "Hey Ya, Charlie Brown" - the Peanuts gang dance to Outkast.
  

Anecdotes: Lady Juliana Roberts

Hugh Leonard tells a story in his Sunday Independent column about Lady Juliana Roberts of Dromineer, who died recently. In case you can't get past the registration page, here it is.

My favourite memory was Julie's story of how, when Bobby Sands died, the Provos, staunch democrats that they were, and perhaps still are, demanded that every business establishment in the Nenagh area cease business as a mark of respect.

Lady Julie's reaction was one of well-feigned indignation. "Are you suggesting," she said, "that I should close my doors because of the death of a British member of parliament?"

The heroes faded away like a dawn mist on Lough Derg.

Comic Strips: The Outbursts Of Everett True

Comic strip from the first quarter of the 20th century, "The Outbursts Of Everett True" (found via The Comics Curmudgeon).

Everett True is a big fat man who beats people up for offending his sensibilities. He doesn't like people who are late, sales people who ignore their customers, people who poke him in the chest to emphasise their point, and smart alec cops - among many others.

But is violence really the answer to these pests? As Mr. True says, "There's no hope of my beating any sense into you, but I'll knock some of the ignorance out of you!!!!"

Phrases: "Dignify A Response"

In this Guardian story about a British TV drama that shows President Bush being assassinated (bet Rarb can't wait to download that), a White House spokeswoman, Emily Lawrimore, is quoted as saying:

"We are not going to comment, because it does not dignify a response."

The same quote shows up in other reports.

You don't "dignify a response". You dignify another person or what they said with a response. Or you could say, "That doesn't deserve a response".

I hope Emily is being misquoted, but I doubt it. Google shows lots of others making the same mistake.

In this USA Today story about Doonesbury (has this strip ever been funny? is it even meant to be?), a different White House spokesperson, Dana Perino, uses the same phrase.

Here's a Harvard pro-choice student saying it.

A Nova Scotian politician ("the member for Halifax Needham") said it too.

There were a lot of reasons to ridicule Scott McClellan, but at least he knew how to say "dignify that with a response".

Internet: Google Books

Things I've learned from Google Books:

• Goitre is also known as Derbyshire neck.
  
• Thomas Edison (in this 1908 biography) referred to difficulties in perfecting his inventions as "bugs". I thought I'd stumbled on a great etymological discovery but Wikipedia beat me to it.
  
• In 1863, "the dress of a base ball player should consist of light flannel shirt and trowsers, a flannel cap with a projecting visor of white enamelled leather, and canvas shows with spiked soles."
  
• There were 226 diarrhea-related deaths in Michigan in 1879 - but none in March.
  
• The word gossip derives from godsyb, an old word for godparent.