Sunday, January 14, 2007

Feeble Attempt At Humour

Barbara Walters' 10 Most Wiveting People of 2006.

  • Peter Manning - There have been other Cindewella stories in the histowy of the National Football League (a garbageman, a high school coach, a field-goal kicking mule) but none better than that of Peter Manning. This time last year, Manning was a semi-successful model/actor with a stwing of TV commercials on his wesume. In some of these ads, he even played a football player! The Indiana Colts took a chance on this handsome thespian, and Peter wepaid their twust by leading them to the Playouts. If they ever make a movie of his WIVETING life, guess who'll play the lead wole!!!
  • Dick Cheney - He shot a man in Texas just to watch him die. No one could weally blame him for that, but it was the covew-up that pwoved his undoing. Needless to say, the Vice-Pwesident wesigned when the twuth was wevealed. What he'll do next is anybody's guess, but it's bound to be WIVETING!!!
  • The Homeless Man Who Begs Near My Studio - I don't know what first piqued my intewest - his psychotic wamblings, his pungent odor, or the wagged clothes that exposed most of his buttocks - but I had to know more about him! I followed him one Apwil evening to the doorway where he makes a bed of bubble-wap and discarded fast food containers. It was one of those mild Spwing nights that whisper, "Summer is just awound the corner!" Perhaps it was the weather, the pathos of his situation, or the Thunderbird wine that we shared, but we ended up making dirty, dirty love on his makeshift bed. As the popping of the plastic bubbles mingled with his gwunts of passion, I was well and twuly WIVETED!!!
  • iPop - It's not a person, it's a machine. About the size of a shoe, this amazing gadget contains hundweds of tiny wecords, just like a jukebox. I have one and I love it (but I have to ask my gweat-gwandson for help)! Hats off to Bill Gates for inventing this WIVETING music-box!!!
  • Gewald McWaney - "Major Dad" is still a "Major Stud"! He's the owiginal "McDweamy"! He can "burke" my "delta" anytime! Yes, after all these years, I'm WIVETED!!!
  • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - Cwazy name! Cwazy guy!
  • Mel Tillis - No one was more surpwised than me when the stuttewing Countwy Music star went on a tequila-fueled binge in Malibu this year, unleashing a tiwade of anti-Semitic wemarks at police officers. He was certainly not anti-Semitic back in 1973, when we made dirty, dirty love in his dwessing woom at the Gwand Old Opwy. (Although he did accuse the Jews of starting all his ewections!) One thing's for sure - Mel is WIVETING!!! (Actually, upon further weflection, that might have been Woy Acuff in 1973.)
  • Bawack Obama - He makes no apologies for being Bin Laden's son, but neither does he bwing the subject up. In fact, he seemed confused when I waised the question. But he's not confused about his ambition: to be Amewica's first Pwesident fwom Illinois. To weach that exalted office, he knows he must pwotect his weputation, which is pwobably why he turned down my offer of dirty, dirty sex. Or he's homosexual. Either way, he's WIVETING!!!
  • "24" - The television show stawwing Keith Sutherland is bweaking all the wules. The scween splits up into two or thwee sections. There is a mystewious "Cookie Monster" who is eating survivors of a plane cwash. And evewy episode lasts twenty-four hours. Too long for me and my tiny bladder, but my gweat-gwandson says it's WIVETING!!!
  • Woseanne Barr-Arnold-O'Donnell - My final choice may seem a selfish one. After all, I picked Woseanne to be my co-host on "The View". I wanted someone that all the housewives at home could identify with. To be honest, I thought she would talk more about her tewwible ex-husbands, but she has maintained a dignified silence. She doesn't even mention cuwwent husband, Kelly, vewy often. Wecently, Woseanne has been the target of that awful Twump man, and he has twied to dwive a wedge between us. Of course, he has failed. Just last week, I weassured Woseanne before the show, holding her pudgy hands and stwoking her gweasy hair. Before I knew what had happened, we were on the floor making dirty, dirty love. Appawently, we are now "Scissor Sisters". So, Mr, Twump, lay off my Wosie! She's WIVETING!!!

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