Media: Weekly World News

The Weekly World News has ceased publication (but the website will remain). As Wikipedia states, the WWN was started to use the old black & white printing presses of the National Enquirer when it switched to colour. I'll miss seeing it at the supermaket checkout (although I only bought it once or twice). I never knew they had a financial column written by Sammy The Chatting Chimp ("Monkey Business"), or an advice column by Lester The Typing Horse ("Horse Sense").

And as for columnist Ed Anger, was he the inspiration for Earl Pitts, Uhmerikun?

TV: Embarrassing Interview

Squirm-inducing interview with Holly Hunter by Dallas' own Merry Miller.

Advertising: 12 Kinds Of Ads

There's a good Slate article and slideshow about the "12 kinds of ads" proposed by ad man Donald Gunn. One of the examples cited (Chris, take note) is the football-through-a-tire ad for Levitra.

MP3: Holly Golightly

Go to the Daily Blizzard and pick up some MP3s from Holly Golightly and the Brokeoffs. The first track, "Devil Do", is a lovely stomp. Holly once sang on a White Stripes song, "I love Jack White like a little brother"

Music: Mash-up

Brilliant Portishead/Cher mash-up from Idolator.

Or try The Cure vs Missy Elliot.

Here's a mash-up "how to" from an elderly woman.

If you prefer video mash-ups, here's a "Toy Story 2"/"Requiem For A Dream" mash-up.

Music: Son Volt

That's Son Volt singing "Hello Goodbye" in ESPN's David Beckham commercial. Meanwhile, Beckham remains a game time decision for his ballyhooed US debut.

Music: Mono In VCF

MONO IN VCF have a great sound (and Terry Jacks helped with their unreleased album). Not sure about the band name. Apparently, VCF is a synth term. (Recommended by Torr.)

In a completely different style, I recommend The Bees, who are known as A Band Of Bees in the US. (What? Was The Bees U.K. also taken?) Sunny Caribbean sound, but then they are from the Isle of Wight.

Marketing: Chalk Homer

Brilliant marketing stunt for "The Simpsons Movie": they've painted a picture of Homer beside the Cerne Abbas giant in Dorset. (That's the pagan figure with the rather large member. It looks like Homer is trying to play ring toss with a donut.)

The photo looks a little too perfect. Rarb, can your family in Dorset confirm that it's really there?

Photography: Lady Bird Johnson Funeral

Please take a moment to look at this photo (by David J. Philip) of former Presidents and First Ladies at Lady Bird Johnson's funeral. Tell me that Bill Clinton isn't thinking, "LBJ gets 'Lady Bird'. I get stuck with 'Dragon Lady'."

Actors: Bill Paxton

Something Awful pays tribute to Bill Paxton, noting that he is "the only person to have been killed by a Terminator, a Predator, an Alien, and Pat Benatar". And adding, defensively, "Yes, Bill Paxton starred in the Thunderbirds movie in 2004. Did you see it? No? Then don't try to mock him for it. Maybe it was the best movie ever, you asshole."

Lyrics Quiz: Strange

Fancy a bit of "Strange"? (This quiz and that quote were RB's idea.)

1. All across the nation - such a strange vibration.
   
2. It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.
   
3. All these strange relationships really get me down. I see nothin' wrong with spreading myself around.
   
4. And in the darkened underpass, I thought, "Oh God, my chance has come at last." But then a strange fear gripped me and I just couldn't ask.
   
5. ...Strange highs and strange lows...
   
6. Strange voices are saying. (What did they say?) Things I can't understand.
   
7. Any girl in the world could have easily known me better. She said, "You're strange but don't change," and I let her.
   
8. Strange days indeed. Most peculiar, mama.
   
9. Strange fascination, fascinating me.
   
10. When your world is full of strange arrangements, and gravity won't pull you through.
    
11. Ain't it funny, ain't it strange, the way a man's opinion changes when he starts to face that lonely night.
    
12. We're sailing on a strange sea, blown by a strange wind, carrying the strangest crew that ever sinned.
    

Music: Mixed Messages

Eric suggests a new category: "bands that have two songs with opposite messages". He gives two examples:

1. The Beatles - "Can't Buy Me Love" ("I don't care too much for money, for money can't buy me love") and "Money" ("You're lovin' gives me a thrill. But you're lovin' don't pay my bills. Now give me money").
   
2. Lynyrd Skynyrd - "Saturday Night Special" ("so why don't we dump them (guns), people, to the bottom of the sea, before some old fool come around here wanna shoot either you or me"), and "Gimme Back My Bullets" ("Gimme back, gimme back my bullets. Oh put 'em back where they belong").
   

How about U2 with "Love Is Blindness" and ("ain't love") "The Sweetest Thing"? I'm sure there are many other artists with songs that extol the pleaure and pain of love.

Lou Reed had a song called "Sheltered Life" ("I've never taken dope and I've never taken drugs"), and about a hundred other songs that suggest the opposite ("Heroin", "Waiting For The Man", "White Light, White Heat", "Kicks"...)

Any others?

Media: Chicago TV Reporter

Could someone please set this video to "Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini"?

Lyrics Quiz: Mystery Theme 3

Eric offers this Lyrics Quiz, and dryly notes: "For some reason I thought of this theme recently." He adds a warning: "There's one band with two entries."

1. When the sun shines, they slip into the shade, and sip their lemonade. When the sun shines...when the sun...shines.
   
2. Oh no, my love's at an end. Oh no, it's...
   
3. I went down Virginia, seekin' shelter from the storm. Caught up in the fable, I watched the tower grow. Five year plans and new deals, wrapped in golden chains. And I wonder, still I wonder...
   
4. I can't sleep, and I lay and I think. The night is hot, and black as ink. Oh God, I need a drink...
   
5. Someone told me long ago. There's a calm before the storm, I know; it's been comin' for some time.
   
6. Now I know the secret; there is nothing that I lack. If I give my love to you, you'll surely give it back.
   
7. Well there's a light in your eye that keeps shining, like a star that can't wait for the night. I hate to think I've been blinded baby, why can't I see you tonight?
   
8. Been walking my mind to an easy time, my back turned towards the sun. Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around. Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line, to talk about things to come. Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground.
   

Lookalikes: John Turturro as Billy Martin

In the new ESPN mini-series, "The Bronx Is Burning", John Turturro is fitted with prosthetic ears to play Billy Martin. Is it just me, or does he look like the Late Night character, Preparation H Raymond?

Doesn't look much like Billy Martin, from what I can see.

Music Video: Ironic Rap Covers

Under The Covers discusses "Ironic rap covers vs. unironic rap covers".

• Alanis Morissette, "My Humps" (The Black Eyed Peas)
  
• The Gourds, "Gin And Juice" (Snoop Dogg)
  
• Nina Gordon, "Straight Outta Compton" (N.W.A. - still the best cover, IMO)
  
• Ben Folds, "Bitches Ain't Shit" (Dr. Dre, this just sounds sordid to me)
  
• Jill Sobule, "Hot In Herre" (Nelly, live with her Mom)
  
• Richard Cheese, "Milkshake" (Kelis)
  

Music: Old Men

You know what's hot in music right now? Geezers.

• 58-year-old Nick Lowe has released the aptly-titled "At My Age", an "utterly fantastic sad-sack country record" (Village Voice). It gets 83 on Metacritic. (Listen to "The Club") And he recently became a father for the first time, telling The A.V. Club, "But he's a lovely fellow. He might be a blooming nuisance, but he is a lovely fellow."
  
• 61-year-old Bryan Ferry has released his album of Dylan covers, "Dylanesque". (70 on Metacritic.) And he gave a great performance of "Let's Stick Together" at that Princess Di concert. Although a tad inappropriate considering her (and his) marital history.
  
• 80-year-old (on Saturday) country music legend Charlie Louvin has released a self-titled album. It's one of those round-up-the-guest-stars deals (including bloody Elvis Costello - does he ever say "no"?), but it's still a solid record. Although Charlie's voice is worn, it still packs an emotional punch.
  
• 60-year-old John Prine and 82-year-old Mac Wiseman have recorded an outstanding record of duets, "Standard Songs For Average People".
  

Lyrics Quiz: 4th of July

1. A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam's, born on the Fourth of July.
   
2. Funny days in the park. Every day's the Fourth of July.
   
3. Today's the Fourth of July. Another June has gone by. And when they light up our town, I just think, what a waste of gunpowder and sky.
   
4. Who fell into you at a quarter to two, with a tear in your eye for the Fourth of July, for the patriots and the Minutemen, and the things you believe they believed in then.
   
5. Sandy, the fireworks are hailin' over Little Eden tonight. Forcin' a light into all those stoned-out faces left stranded on this Fourth of July. Down in town, the circuit's full with switchblade lovers so fast, so shiny, so sharp. And the wizards play down on Pinball Way on the boardwalk way past dark.
   
6. On the stairs I smoke a cigarette alone. The Mexican kids are shooting fireworks below. Hey, baby, it's the Fourth of July.
   
7. I stayed at home on the Fourth of July, and I pulled the shades so I didn't have to see the sky. And I decided to have a Bed-In. But I forgot to invite anybody.
   
8. Well she lit up the sky, that Fourth of July. By the time the firemen come, they
   just put out the flames and took down some names and send me to the county home.
   

Lookalikes: Chris Farley Baby

The Chris Farley lookalike baby. It's sad, but you'll laugh. (As seen on Defamer.)

Musique: Mareva Galanter

Stumbled across a post on Between Thought And Expression that mentioned Mareva Galanter. It was the part about "former Miss France (and Shannon Elizabeth look-alike)" that got my attention. And yes, she's a looker. She's also a singer.

You must visit the official website for her album, "Ukuyéyé". Very well-designed, in a '60s Op-Art style. The last link on the middle row is the video for "Pourquoi Pas Moi?". The last link on the bottom row is for six "Scopitone" videos (apparently, a 16mm film jukebox). All are worth watching.

Music: Letterman

Bryan Ferry covering "Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues" on Letterman.

From the following night, Ryan Adams and the Cardinals play "Two". There's a bonus performance of "I Taught Myself How To Grow Old" at the CBS web site. (Thanks to Zoe for the heads-up.)

From earlier this year, Elvis Perkins sings "While You Were Sleeping" (and borrows the Talking Heads trick of the band members joining one by one).

Moving back in time, Natalie Merchant doing "Because The Night". (I love the comment, "Its so weird.....I'd love to bone her but she's not supermodel sexy. Its something else....I just cant figure it out.....kinda like a home economics teacher doing a striptease or something ;-)").

From 1983, Talking Heads and "I Zimbra".

And finally, Andy Kaufman singing "Rosemarie".

Celebrities: John Stamos

John Stamos slurring in an Australian press interview, and then on Australian TV. That's some jet lag.

Did you know that Rebecca Romijn's mother is a member of the Simplified Spelling Society?

News: Unfortunate Wording

Is it just me, or does this headline sound wrong? "Family of girl whose feet were severed in amusement park accident says she's stable". So she doesn't wobble when you bump into her?

And on the amputee theme, Heather Mills testified in court that (photographer) "Jay Kaycappa has assaulted a lot of people and upset people and I’m going out on a limb."

Music: "Teenage Kicks"

How many versions of "Teenage Kicks" do you want?

• The Undertones - the original and best.
  
• The Undertones in the studio - but some of the commenters cry "Fraud!"
  
• Snow Patrol (acoustic, for Sessions@AOL).
  
• Ash (with an Undertone on guitar).
  
• KT Tunstall (with audience singalong - not bad).
  
• Supergrass and Carl Barat (The Libertines) busking (a shambles, baby).
  
• Nouvelle Vague (bossa nova version, with visuals from a NZ TV show with lesbian..um..undertones.
  
• The Raconteurs (sadly, the one who isn't Jack White handles lead vocals).
  
• The Ukelele Orchestra Of Great Britain (I like when they all sing the chorus).
  
• Really bad American High School band ("We don't do drugs give us a break. If you want anything explained we didn't have enough practices before that night. OKAY!").
  
• Quite good English schoolboys.
  
• Green Day (abbreviated).
  
• Seabear (Icelandic band, slow it down and add violin - it works!)
  
• Prison Love (Irish bluegrass band - they won a radio contest for best "Teeange Kicks" cover. Also, check out their "Sussudio".)
  
• The Undertones, 2006 (with replacement vocalist - slightly sad).
  

Advertising: TV Commercial Roundup

• Sounds like Blockbuster has replaced Alec Baldwin with Albert Brooks for their TV commercial voice-over. Presumably because he was calling renters at home, chastising them for their overdue videos. "Once again, I have made an ass of myself trying to get to a phone to remind you that your movie is four days late. I am going to fly out there to Des Moines to straighten you out, you rude little pig. You do not have the common decency of a human being to return 'Oceans 11', or 'Oceans 12', or whatever it is. You have humiliated me for the last time." (Credit Robb with the Oceans joke.) Anyway, this switch is ironic because Baldwin actually replaced Brooks on "Glengarry Glen Ross".
  
• That American Express commercial with Martin Scorsese, Sheryl Crowe, Andre Agassi, Alicia Keys, Ellen DeGeneres and Carrot Top - is that the best they could come up? The non-actors sound so dead, the whole thing drags, and who thought Ellen's "punchline" was remotely funny?
  
• I don't like that Ask.com "chicks with swords" ad either. The guy is creepy. And the whole concept is hinky. Did they think, "let's appeal to straight guys by showing half-naked women, and gay guys by doing a musical number"?
  
• Here's a web news item on a commercial campaign that Ask.com ran in the UK. It's interesting only for the little monkey reading the news. She has a terrible voice (and says "Brit-ain" in an odd way) but she's got something.
  
• Here's a great ad - for British mobile phone company Talk Talk.
  
• Another good one - VW ad with hand shadows.
  
• And by the way, Wilco sold out and are allowing VW to use their songs. (CMJ story.)
  
• iPhone commercial from Conan O'Brien.
  

Music: Nicole Atkins

Sort-of-country singer Nicole Atkins (recommended by Chromewaves). Her MySpace page has 3 songs you can stream, and a video of her covering "Where Did You Sleep Last Night?" live at SwSW.

Movies: Angelina Jolie

The trailer for "A Mighty Heart" features another jarring line delivered by Angelina Jolie in a dicey accent. It's when she says "I love you". Brings back memories of that ridiculous line from the "Alexander" trailer, when she says, "Never will there be an Alexander like you..Alexander the Great!"

In this "Original Sin" trailer, she lost the crazy-line-reading-in-a-bad-accent contest to Antonio Banderas.

This "Tomb Raider" trailer has her say, "Men are coming for the box. Unlike me, they won't look at it with fear or respect. They will open it. They want to use it." And it shows her punching a shark in the nose.

Newspapers: Bad Headline

Humourously ambiguous headline from the Dallas Morning News: "12-year-old's liposuction raises eyebrows". I don't think that plastic surgeon knows what he's doing!

Music: Pitchfork Round-Up

Some good stuff on Pitchfork today.

• Interview with Tony Wilson includes a new track from the Happy Mondays, with typical lyrics, "Now that I am naked, I'm a lady", and "It's good to press my tits against the floor".
  
• Prince reunites with Wendy & Lisa! Is it because he's envious of their success with "Heroes"?
  
• Bonnie 'Prince' Billy performed "I See A Darkness" in its entirety at a video store. There are photos but (sadly) no audio.
  
• Arcade Fire members in the audience of "The Price Is Right".
  
• Bluegrass version of "Young Folks", covered by Dawn Landes and friends. (Here's the orginal.)
  

Lyrics Quiz: Bad

Can you name these "bad" songs?

1. I make a rich woman beg, I'll make a good woman steal. I'll make an old woman blush, and make a young woman squeal.
   
2. You ever love someone so much you thought your little heart was gonna break in two? (I didn't think so.)
   
3. Well they say the sky's the limit. And to me that's really true. But my friend you have seen nothin'. Just wait 'til I get through.
   
4. All those downtown ladies call him "Treetop Lover". All the men just call him "sir".
   
5. If I could throw this lifeless lifeline to the wind. Leave this heart of clay. See you walk, walk away.
   
6. I ain't got a fever, got a permanent disease. It'll take more than a doctor to prescribe a remedy.
   
7. Friday night and the strip is hot. Sun's gone down and they're about to trot. Spirits high and they look hot. Do you wanna get down?
   
8. Easin' down the highway in a new Cadillac. I had a fine fox in front, I had three more in the back.
   
9. Hope you got your things together. Hope you are quite prepared to die.
   
10. I know you're looking for a ruby in a mountain of rocks. But there ain't no Coupe De Ville hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box.
    

By the way, when will movie studios stop using #1 in movie trailers? It's currently being used to advertise the DVD of "Ghost Rider".

Photography: News Photos

• From Gizmodo, a nuclear submarine being transported on a British road. It is huge. Commenter says: "I wouldn't worry about it.....it'll be on the back of a pikey lorry by the end of the day!"
  
• From Defamer, one of the AP photographers covering Paris Hilton's return to jail is the guy who took the famous photo of Vietnamese villagers running from a napalm attack.
  
• From Yahoo News, the Michigan man whose wheelchair got caught in the front grill of a semi, and got pushed along for four miles.
  
• From The Smoking Gun, mug shot of a Tennessee woman with an impressive 'do.
  
• From The News Hole, some of those Google Maps Street View candid shots. More at Stretviewfun.
  

Movies: "United 93"

Watched "United 93" last night. Very well made, but the cowardly German character was a definite misstep. There was a German passenger on board, so unless there is evidence to back up this portrayal, it seems defamatory. The Atlantic Review, a German-American relations project, has a full summary, albeit with a clear bias towards the German.

The German actor who portrayed him (and improvised his role) defends himself.

News: TB Guy

That Andrew Speaker guy, who put other people's lives in jeopardy - what a tool. (Anagram of his name: "Speared wanker".) Does anyone else think that his TB expert father-in-law might have deliberately infected him? I'm not the only one to wonder. "I saw his picture and he totally looks like a mad scientist! Ack!!!"

His wife looks better with the surgical mask.

Music: Shivaree

Chromewaves brings news of a covers album from Shivaree. Shivaree's lead vocalist has the greatest name in music history: Ambrosia Parsley. The album, "Tainted Love: Mating Calls and Fight Songs", features songs by Phil Spector (on trial for murder), R. Kelly (indicted for producing child pornography), Gary Glitter (convicted peedophile), Ike Turner (admitted spouse-abuser) and Spade Cooley (convicted murderer), among others.

TV: Babes

• NBC's Weather Plus has a very cute meteorologist in Britta Merwin. Look, she's a model too! When I saw her today on TV, she looked more like the photo in the top right, where Chinzilla is grabbing her ass. She even has a blog where she openly admits that Spring is her favorite season. I didn't think weather people were allowed to have a favorite season - isn't that a conflict of interest?
  
• There are a million house "flipping" shows on TV, but only A&E's "Sell This House" has the captivating Tanya Memme (rhymes with "lemme"). Apparently, she was Miss World Canada in 1993.
  

YouTube: The Reed Sisters

Thanks to 1963muster for posting these videos of The Reed Sisters on some long ago cable access show. Start with "Celebration" to see their creepy stage mother and the synchronised dance steps. Then watch "From Me To You" and try to figure out the sibling dynamic between the blonde one and the non-instrumentalist one.

Sadly, I can't find anything about these Reed Sisters on the 'net. Let's hope they get the band back together again.

Music: Covers On YouTube

• "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Greg Laswell (and visuals from "The OC").
  
• "Wish You Were Here" by Rodgrigo y Gabriela (and audience singalong). (There are a lot of "Wish You Were Here" covers out there.)
  
• "Sin City" by the Decemberists with Gillian Welch and David Rawlings (live in Nashville).
  
• "Ruby" by a 7-year-old Ricky Skaggs with Flatt and Scruggs (I was actually looking for his bluegrass cover of "Superfreak").
  
• "Make It With You" by My Morning Jacket (with a rambling prologue about bread).
  
• "Modern Love" by The Last Town Chorus.
  
• "Let's Dance" by M. Ward (cheekily set to the original video, slowed down).
  
• "Positively 4th Street" by Bryan Ferry (let's ignore the overblown Nazi controversy).
  
• "All Along The Watchtower" by XTC.
  
• "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Scala and Kolacny Brothers (piano and Belgian girls' choir).
  

And if you have the time, there's a Go-Betweens tribute concert/documentary (in 6 parts) with Australian artists covering the late lamented band.

Politics: Hillary Clinton

Wonkette reports that Hillary Clinton is asking the public to choose her campaign song. There are 9 songs listed, but write-in votes are allowed. Wonkette and its commenters have plenty of suggestions: "Bitch" by the Rolling Stones, "The Bitch Is Back" by Elton John, "Smack My Bitch Up" by the Prodigy (am I sensing a theme here?).

I voted for "Is This What You Call Change?" by Robert Forster ("As I breathe your deadly wind, as the oil in the river sends everything that's alive to a painful end").

Lyrics Quiz: Fools

Part A: "Fool" in the title.

1. When I come home, baby, and I've been working all night long, I put my daughter on my knee, and she say, "Daddy what's wrong?"
   
2. Well on his way, his head in a cloud, the man of a thousand voices, talking perfectly loud. But nobody ever hears him.
   
3. And the parting on the left are now parting on the right. And the beards have all grown longer overnight.
   
4. As he rises to her apology, anybody else would surely know, he's watching her go.
   
5. The pack on my back is aching. The straps seem to cut me like a knife. I'm no clown, I won't back down. I don't need you to tell me what's going down.
   
6. Unhand that gun, be gone. There's no one to fire upon. If he's holding it high, he's telling a lie.
   
7. A dying flame, you're free again. Who could love and do that to you? All dressed in black, he won't be coming back. Save your tears, you've got years and years.
   

Part B: "Fool" in the lyrics.

1. 'Cause we're living in a world of fools, breaking us down, when they all should let us be.
   
2. He said, "Girl u better have fun no matter what u do." But he's a fool.
   
3. Don't you know, little fool, you never can win?
   
4. Something in your eyes is makin' such a fool of me. When you hold me in your arms, you love me 'til I just can't see.
   
5. I find it very, very easy to be true. I find myself alone when each day is through. Yes, I'll admit I'm a fool for you.
   
6. I am the maker of rules, dealing with fools.
   
7. And if you ever have to go to school, remember how they messed up this old fool. Don't pick fights with the bullies or the cads, 'cause I'm not much cop at punching Other people's dads.
   

Music: Uncle Tupelo

YouTube has an old cable access performance by Uncle Tupelo from 1989 (doing "Graveyard Shift" and "Factory Belt"). And here's "Gun" live in 1992.

And here's a nice homemade cartoon for Wilco's "Hummingbird". Wilco's new album "drops" tomorrow, and they're on "Letterman" tomorrow night. (Thanks to Robb for the heads up.)

Words: Chillax

For those who didn't believe me that "chillax" is a popular slang contraction ("chill" and "relax") in the British Isles, here's an Amazon list.

Lyrics Quiz: Fruit

Inspired by Robb and his irrational hatred of #1. Personally, I think there should be more spelling in songs.

1. Let me hear you say, this shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
   
2. God didn't make little green apples, and it don't rain in Indianapolis in the summertime.
   
3. Now when you pick a pawpaw, or a prickly pear, and you prick a raw paw - next time beware.
   
4. I'm praying for a rain in California, so the grapes can grow and they can make more wine. And I'm sitting in a honky in Chicago, with a broken heart and a woman on my mind.
   
5. And she feeds you tea and oranges that come all the way from China.
   

Internet: Posting Dangers

The AV Club's Hater has posted an Ad Council PSA about the dangers of posting information online. Creepy!

Emails: Factually Incorrect

I got an email this week that read:

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified flying object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well- known incident that many say has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, George W Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condoleezza Rice and Dan Quayle were all born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep. This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.

It would have been nice if even one of the people listed had been born in 1948, but no.

• George W. Bush, born July 6, 1946
  
• Dick Cheney, born January 30, 1941
  
• Donald Rumsfeld, born July 9, 1932
  
• Bill O'Reilly, born September 10, 1949
  
• Rush Limbaugh, born January 12, 1951
  
• Condoleezza Rice, born November 14, 1954
  
• Dan Quayle, born February 4, 1947
  

Here are some people who were born in March 1948: reggae artist Burning Spear, Irish guitar hero Rory Gallagher, Welsh rock 'n' roller Shakin' Stevens, crime novelist James Ellroy, junkie/folkie James Taylor, CNN's Wolf Blitzer, ugly musical composer Andrew Lloyd Webber, Aerosmith's Steven Tyler, petite actress Rhea Perlman, normal-sized actress Dianne Wiest. The only politician I see born then: Al Gore.

Paper Products: Toilet Paper

Shell sent me a link to this story about the Hutchinson (Kansas) Correctional Facility limiting inmates to four rolls of toilet paper per month. This measure is expected to save nearly $600 a month. And it'll make Sheryl "one square per visit" Crow happy.

Cryptic: 10x5

A new crossword. I should really just email it directly to Eric.

1			2			3			4
5
6

Across

1. Dostoevsky and Tolstoy novels begun but not finished - what a struggle! (7,3)
5. Working class male prostitute = "Rear Thug"? Do badly. (5,5)
6. People who descend on Santa's knee? (10)

Down

1. Lyric about a boy. (5)
2. A bump on the slopes for Carnegie or Murdoch. (5)
3. Ron backed commercial US/Canadian missile defense system. (5)
4. Carrier, he assumes, contains birds. (5)

Video: Alec Baldwin

Dora The Explorer gets a call from Alec Baldwin.

Celebrities: Shilpa Shetty

What is the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty?

1. Being named "Shilpa Shetty", which is an anagram of "Shitty as help".
   
2. Starring in a film called "Aakrosh: Cyclone of Anger".
   
3. Being abused and bullied on "Celebrity Big Brother".
   
4. Actually winning "Celebrity Big Brother".
   
5. Being groped by a giddy (possibly drunk) Richard Gere while promoting Safe Sex.
   

Definitely #5, although her official website asks, in headline format, "What is all the big fuss about? Seriously?" Anyway, I offer up this Clerihew:

Richard Gere
Is desperate to prove he's not queer.
Shilpa Shetty
Just wishes he wasn't so sweaty.

History: First Laundromat

I heard on the radio that the first ever laundromat opened on this day in 1934 in Fort Worth. But US Census Bureau page says it might have been Fort Wayne. That seems a big vague for a Census Bureau. Wikipedia supports Fort Worth's claim

Movies: "Star Wars"

Death Star conspiracy theory.

Nitpicking: "Literally"

News story about Aaron Glenn's murdered niece quotes Lt. John Denholm of the Harris County Sheriff's Office.

“We are exploring whether it's even possible to search for her remains at this point,” Denholm said. “It's the literal needle in the haystack.”

Poor old "literal". Is there any word more abused? Here's another example:

I can only thank my angels and God for leading me to what was literally a needle in a haystack.

Actually, it was a key in a storage room - and this woman is a professional writer!

And while I'm nitpicking, I watched "Inside Man" last week with the commentary track by Spike Lee. What an unpleasant man he is. So I was delighted to hear him describe a 180° camera move as, you guessed it, a 360° move. What a maroon!

A Feeble Attempt At Humour

The inventor of television was also the first man to plop down on a sofa in front of the TV with a beer in one hand, and his other hand pushed down the front of his pants. When his wife asked him what he was doing, he answered, "I'm feeling a little Logie."

Music: Commonalities

Here's a headscratcher from Eric (who successfully solved Thursday's Cryptogram, by the way).

What do these bands have in common?

• Aerosmith
  
• Elton John
  
• Earth, Wind, & Fire
  
• Joe Cocker
  
• Cheap Trick
  

Conversely, what do these bands have in common?

• Chuck Berry
  
• Carl Perkins
  
• The Marvelettes
  
• The Isley Brothers
  

Lyrics Quiz: Irish Artists

For the day that's in it, to be sure, to be sure. All songs are written by Irish people (or, at least, qualified to play football for Ireland - the "Granny Rule").

1. Now we go steady to the pictures. I always get chocolate stains on my pants. My father, he's going crazy. Says I'm living in a trance.
   
2. From Bissau to Palau in the shade of Avalon. From Fiji to Tiree and the isles of Ebony.
   
3. I was on the inside when they pulled the four walls down. I was looking through the window. I was lost, I am found.
   
4. Forty shades of green. yeah. Sixty shades of red. Heroes going cheap these days. Price: a bullet in the head.
   
5. Sir thwacks you on the knees, knees you in the groin, elbow in the face. Bruises bigger than dinner plates.
   
6. And when that foghorn blows, I will be coming home. And when that foghorn blows, I want to hear it. I don't have to fear it.
   
7. And I swore, I swore I would be true. And, honey, so did you. So why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand? Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?
   
8. And there's a black cat lying in the shadow of the gatepost. And the black cat tells me that love is on its way.
   
9. 'Cause the winds might change, and the winds might blow over you. And the winds might cut you in two, unless perhaps you get a raincoat.
   
10. When you pissed yourself in Frankfurt, and got syph down in Cologne, and you heard the rattling death trains as you lay there all alone.
    

Web Design: Page Layout

Fascinating article about "eyetracking" and what it tells us about designing good Online News pages. Example 3 says that men like looking at George Brett's package.

Cryptogram: Odd Couple

GUYG NBGEEK UN DWLOO EIZF LTKUSZKH

FEADTBZ WZRCZZT IDQUM BGZZFKZDMZF

DTM XLUFSH SUM CGE QKDHN RGZ SDOEE:

GEAZBEAUTY XLZZT DTM BEAW-GLAAUTY SUTY.

Music: SXSW Bands

Robb thinks the greatest blog idea of all time would be to link to the list of bands playing SXSW, and pick out the best and worst band names.

He likes Turn Me On Dead Man. (Robb had to explain the "Paul is dead" reference. I hope they're a Beatles tribute band - who play all the songs backwards. That would be cool.)

Really bad names: Awesome Cool Dudes, Best Fwends, Chingo Bling, Deaf In The Family, Flosstradamus, Kiiiiiii, Les Breastfeeders, Menwhopause, Palaxy Tracks, River City Rapists, River City Tanlines, Steaming Wolf Penis, The Faceless Werewolves, The WiLd EyeS (automatic rejection for "kooky" capitalisation), Who's Your Favorite Son, God?

Good names: El Jesus de Magico, Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin, The Berg Sans Nipple, The Black Hollies, The Capitol Years.

Comedy: Chris Rock

Everyone is talking (well, Defamer is) about Chris Rock's appearance on "Letterman" last night, and how he turned a question about Richard Jeni into a plug for his movie. Okay, he was trying to be funny, but it fell flat. It might have been funnier to say Jeni was despondent about losing roles to Kevin Pollak. (Too soon?)

Rock's new movie is an unlikely remake of "Love In The Afternoon" by the French director Eric Rohmer. Rohmer's films are gentle, slow-moving, talky, warm explorations of human beings and their wonderful frailties. From the clip they showed last night, the remake is nothing like that.

Maybe Rohmer should get back at Rock by remaking "Head Of State" in his trademark style. A bourgeois businessman is offered the chance to run for Mayor of his provincial town. He discusses it at great length with his wife. There's an attractive campaign worker who flirts with him. He talks to his wife some more. Eventually, he decides not to run for office. ("Pootie Tang" would have been funnier, but Chris Rock didn't write & direct that.)

A Feeble Attempt At Humour

A man who has been blind from birth undergoes a lengthy operation to restore his sight. The next day, the medical staff gather round as the surgeon removes the bandages. A nurse holds a mirror in front of the patient's eyes. As the last bandage falls away, the surgeon eagerly asks, "What do you see?" "Nothing," replies the man. The surgeon gestures for the lights to be turned on in the room. "Can you see anything now?" "No," the man says. At that, the doctors and nurses break into raucous laughter. The surgeon stops laughing long enough to say, "You should have seen your face!"

TV: Combos 2

Eric provides some follow-up TV star/TV show combos:

1. Batman becomes president.
   
2. Member of family musical group (and California attorney) joins cast of long-running soap opera.
   
3. SNL alum becomes target of Dan Quayle diatribe.
   
4. South Florida cop wants to be useful in the train yard.
   

Music: Birthplace Quiz

Match the singers to their birthplace.

1. David Byrne (Talking Heads)		a. England
2. Win Butler (Arcade Fire)		b. Scotland
3. Lloyd Cole (The Commotions)		c. Germany
4. Sebastian Bach (Skid Row)		d. Texas
5. Tanita Tikaram		e. Canada

Incidentally, if you go to Sebastian Bach's Wikipedia page looking for clues, you'll learn that, "he has also reportedly stolen Nardwuar's favorite wool tuque." I thought this was "Wikipedia vandalism", but it may be true. However, I note on the Chris Martin (Coldplay) page, "He has a baritenor voice and is known for his frequent use of fellatio."

Politics: Bush Protests

Here's a Brazilian Bush protester that even Eric could appreciate.

TV: Combos

Combine a TV actor with a TV show (spelling mismatches allowed). For example, "Small-town Deputy gets mixed up in California soap opera" would be "Don Knotts Landing". Can you name these other combos?

1. Cheeky English comedian joins the police, is warned to "Be careful out there".
   
2. Texas oilman's drunken wife ends up in hospital.
   
3. Rhoda's mother fights criminals in the Lone Star state.
   
4. Aussie POW learns about love to the strains of Paula Cole.
   
5. Ranching family patriarch decides to give up the rat race and become a farmer.
   

Music: The White Stripes

The White Stripes have announced the title of their new album: "Icky Thump". Fans of British comedy will recognise that (actually, "Ecky Thump"*) from an episode of "The Goodies - an episode which caused a man to die laughing. (His widow wrote a nice letter to the Goodies, thanking them for making her husband's final 25 minutes so happy. Which is one way of looking at it.

* The press release from the band adds: "The Stripes stress they are spelling it wrong intentionally just for "kicks" and "metaphors", and to avoid a possible lawsuit from the estate of Billy Eckstine."

A Feeble Attempt At Humour

Is France reverting to its Celtic past? Yes, it's Gaul-ing.

Lyrics Quiz: Oh!

Suggested by Eric based on a previous post, can you fill in the missing names? Bonus points for the artist.

1. Oh, _______. Oh don't you cry for me. For I come from Alabama with my banjo on my knee.
   
2. Oh oh ______. Let me love you 'til the morning comes. Oh oh ______. You know I want to be the only one.
   
3. Oh ______, our love holds on, holds on.
   
4. Oh ______, don't lead the life that they made for you. I'll be gone a long while and you'll know. And don't feel sorry for lover boy.
   
5. Ah! ______! Here we go again! Ah! ______! Is it ever gonna end? Ah! ______! Here we go again! Ah! ______! We ain't learned our lesson yet!
   
6. Oh ______, I am but a fool. Darling I love you though you treat me cruel. You hurt me and you made me cry. But if you leave me I will surely die.
   
7. Oh ______, why did you do it? You should've called me on the telephone.
   
8. Oh ______, how could you treat me this way? Hey, hey. How could you treat me this way?
   
9. Oh ______, I think I'm in trouble here. I should have believed you when I heard you saying it. The only time that love is an easy game is when two other people are playing it.
   

TV: Round-Up

• "Heroes" is still good but the first crack appeared with the casting of Eric Roberts as a senior figure in the "conspiracy". I could buy him as a druggie loser, or a loser who gets hooked on drugs, or the drug-addled brother of a famous actress, but as someone who's expected to keep secrets? Not buying it.
  
• Saw a Fox 4 News report on Texas Pacific's buyout of TXU. When they mentioned co-founder David Bonderman, they showed a close-up of a grainy newspaper photo! Delightfully chintzy!
  
• This isn't mentioned on Ed Bark's DFW TV Blog, but it's well worth reading for his put-downs of NBC5 and their "Four Horsepeople of the Apocalypse".
  
• Funniest recent line on "The Colbert Report"? "But some people don't want to see Harriet Tubman on a space train."
  

Music: Wilco

The cover of the new Wilco album (and tracklisting) at The Line Of Best Fit.

Movies: Oscars 2007

Some hardy souls are live-blogging the Oscars. I was curious to read what they had to say about Leonardo DiCarprio's near-fellatio of Al Gore.

• Entertainment Weekly. They note that during the Al & Leo bit:
  

  In the audience, Jerry Seinfeld seems ready to roll his eyes.

  
  
• Those professional snarks at Defamer.
  

  Despite Leo DiCaprio's prompting, Al Gore does not announce his candidacy for the presidential race, explaining, "I'm f***ing terrifed of David Geffen calling me a fatty in the New York Times tomorrow."

  
  
• The Onion Av Club's The Hater. I think this is sarcasm:
  

  Al Gore just made a funny, y'all!

  
  
• The Onion's clueless Entertainment columnist, Jackie Harvey. Didn't mention Leo & Al, but had this great line:
  

  Melissa Etheridge could make the phone book interesting if you showed it on screen behind her while she was performing.

  
  
• The Answer May Surprise You may be the puniest live-blog ever.
  

  While I was outside, I apparently missed a very funny exchange between Leo DiCaprio and Al Gore. Something about the environment or running for president or something. My mom tried to recap it for me, but I think she's high.

  
  

Nobody mentioned that Gore has Ted Kennedy's Disease aka "Fat Head".

Magazines: Punch

Project Guterberg has some old issues of Punch available for your perusal, including December 29th, 1920. It includes such rib-ticklers as this:

A woman informed a London magistrate last Tuesday that her husband thrashed her at Easter, Whitsuntide and on August Bank Holiday. Our thoughts were constantly with her during the recent Yuletide festivities.

It is stated that rabies does not exist in Ireland. Our opinion is that it wouldn't be noticed if it did.

"Leather is now much cheaper," we read. Yet we have noticed no drop in the price of restaurant steak.

A vast improvement on 1892:

A Gentleman, whose name is well known in scientific circles, vouches for the following fact. He was, he says, passing a poulterer's shop, when he actually saw a hare buy a rabbit!! He subsequently added, that much depended on the way of spelling "buy."

Celebrities: Jessica Simpson

Apparently, Jessica Simpson is allergic to pizza. I really didn't think she looked that good in the 2007 Superbowl commercial for Pizza Hut - as one commenter says, "what's up with the clown lipstick?"

Music: Lose An "I", Part 2

AKA "Eric's Revenge". Eric supplies these 3 (with some modifications by me):

1. Dyslexic Acura model needs you tonight.
   
2. Silent decay of Glam Metal band.
   
3. 80s singer (with the Cruisers) helps collect taxes.
   

That last one does not refer to Eddie and the Cruisers. It's a singer I have never heard of, which is weird. And I've never heard his best known song.

Music: Add A "U"

Name these bands with an added "U":

1. Sports coat I wear to funeral of Kentucky band?
   
2. Modem manufacturer feels like making love?
   
3. UK punk band adopts sexual position with killer whale?
   

Music: Time Reporting

Headline on Pitchfork: "Pumpkins, Wilco, Ted Leo Added to Primavera". At last, I said to myself, I'll be able to charge time to listening to "Being There". Turns out to be a music festival in Barcelona.

Music: Lose An "I"

Name these artists/bands who have lost an "i"?

1. Do these Oklahoma weirdos set vinyl on fire?
   
2. "Guitar George" may know all the chords, but these guys play really bad Fenders.
   
3. Red-haired bottleneck guitarist joins Glam Metal band.
   
4. 80s avant-garde funk outfit seeks the return of a big green ogre.
   

Video: Girls, Girls, Girls

• The late Anna Nicole Smith in Bryan Ferry's video for "Will You STill Love Me Tomorrow?". (Idolator)
  
• Ali Larter (now on "Heroes") naked (with black bars) in a commercial for body spray. (AdFreak)
  
• Vanessa Paradis (Mrs. Johnny Depp) in the video for her song, "Be My Baby".
  
• More French pop: Axel Red sings "Rester Femme".
  
• Belinda Carlisle sings in French on her new album, but I can't find any vids - instead, a cover of Coldplay's "The Scientist".
  
• The Smithereens with Belinda Carlisle! "Blue Period".
  
• Beyonce and J. Lo (and an American Football player) in a Japanese Pepsi ad.
  
• Japanese bra ad.
  
• Carla Bruni (Italian/French model/singer) sings "If You Were Coming In The Fall".
  

Music: Covers With Original Artist

What cover versions have the original artist doing backing vocals/playing an instrument?

• All of The Smiths appear on Sandie Shaw's version of "Hand In Glove".
  
• Tom Petty sings backup on Johnny Cash's cover of "I Won't Back Down"
  
• Jane Birkin covered Roxy Music's "In Every Dreamhome A Heartache" as a duet with Bryan Ferry.
  
• When Whitney Houston covered Annie Lennox's 'Step by Step', Annie provided the backing vocals.
  

Placenames: Tautology

Tautologous place names:

• Highland Heights, OH
  
• Grange Farm, England
  
• Cove Bay, Scotland
  

Wikipedia list.

Media: Michael Ware

I just saw CNN's Iraq reporter Michael Ware for the first time. What a creepy guy! Mis-shapen face, 5 o'clock shadow, crazy eyes, speaks in strangulated Strine.

Here he is clean-shaven and talking about his 2004 kidnapping. As a commenter says, "Finally!!!! A rare shot of Michael Ware's elusive left nostril!!!!"

What does the internet think "Michael Ware is"? "...an Australian journalist reporting for CNN", "...Super-Shrill", "...a courageous, honorable and truthful reporter", "no Sean Flynn no matter how many times he reads 'Dispatches'", "...a traitor to the US", "...the shizz", "...accused in more than 40 break-ins".

Cryptic Crossword: 11x5

It's my widest crossword yet!

1		2		3		4		5		6
7
8

Across

1. Secret family of French children's author. (11)
7. Direction to corner of Pacific Avenue and Marvin Gardens. (2,3,4,2)
8. Hopes report cleared up the air we breathe. (11)

Down

1. One training for "An Officer, Not A Gentleman" gets "Alien" sequel. (5)
2. Test for fetal problems is extracted from groin, marked, and put back. (5)
3. Heavy metal singer embraces abstainer - "Same again!" (5)
4. Small instrument girl found in "Vanity Fair". (5)
5. Offspring put into circulation. (5)
6. Reduced in rank, Doctor of Divinity leaves to behave theatrically. (5)

News: Fort Worth Star-Telegram

Shell offers up the Gold Standard of "Slow News Day" stories: "4 towels, ashtray taken from Motel 6". The story was picked up by a Philly blog (which refers to "Eulass, Texas").

What is up with the Star-Telegram? They have a blog devoted to "American Idol". Idiots.

Better Motel 6 stories: "Woman’s body found near Suwanee motel", "Sevier Co. mom and daughter find crack pipe in their Knoxville motel room", "Motel 6 murder trial begins", "Arrest made in burglaries of non-profits: Redmond police spot SUV in motel parking lot".

Burial: Fossilisation

It occurred to me (while reading Bill Bryson's "A Short History...") that the best form of burial would be fossilisation. A caller to Australian radio wanted the same thing. Probably not practical. BBC game to create a fossil.

Music: Hodge Podge

Observer article by Sean O'Hagan mourning the loss of mix tapes, independent record shops and sleeve notes. This Sean O'Hagan is not to be confused (as I've been doing) with the one who was in Microdisney and is now the High Llamas. (And provided the music for the Musical Painting.) (Although the Bob Stanley who writes for the Guardian is the Saint Etienne one.)

His partner in Microdisney was the unreliable Cathal Coughlan. Someone on his Message Board posted a review of Lou Reed's concert performance of "Berlin". Good that it was recorded for DVD.

Speaking of mix tapes and vinyl, there are turntables that connect to your PC. There's also a cassette tape ripper.

Recommended unsigned artist: B from Sweden. Don't like the one-letter name but I like his music. (M and X did it first.)

Finally, check out the MySpace page for a Grant McLennan tribute album.

Lyrics Quiz: Guitars

1. He used to carry his guitar in a gunny sack and sit beneath the tree by the railroad track.
   
2. The kids was just crass, he was the Nazz, with God-given ass. He took it all too far but, boy, could he play guitar.
   
3. All I got is a red guitar, three chords and the truth.
   
4. Now that ain't workin'. That's the way you do it. You play the guitar on the MTV.
   
5. Well I got this guitar and I learned how to make it talk. And my car's out back if you're ready to take that long walk from your front porch to my front seat.
   
6. Everybody told me you can't get far on thirty-seven dollars and a Jap guitar.
   
7. Well, late at night when the people were gone, he used to pick up my guitar, and sing a song in a shaky voice that was real as the day was long.
   
8. With the rerun shows and the cocaine nose-job, the daytime crap of the folksinger slob. He hung himself with a guitar string.
   
9. Take the guitar player for a ride. He ain't never been satisfied. He thinks he owes some kind of debt. Be years before he gets over it.
   
10. So, I jumped on a bus to Dun Laoghaire, stopping off to pick up my guitar. When a drunk on a bus told me how to get rich, I was glad we weren't going too far.
    

Bonus: What guitar are you? (I'm a Fender Telecaster.)

Dolls: Dallas Metroplex Barbies

(Sent to me by Jill) DFW Barbies. You can also find this as Colorado Barbies, Houston Barbies, Greensboro (NC) Barbies, Western New York Barbies, D.C. Barbies and even Washington State Barbies.

Religion: Gene and Melissa Scott

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Music: MySpace

• Bobby Cook sounds like an English Ryan Adams ("Drunken View" could have been on "Rock & Roll"). (Found via Torr.)
  
• Kevin Rowland is hosting a new Dexy's track, and loads of great old videos.
  
• Lee Hazlewood has a new album (his last, he says) coming out tomorrow. (And it's named after an Eddie Izzard routine!) Check out his own version of "These Boots Are Made For Walking".
  
• Possibly our greatest living songwriter, Boo Hewerdine, has a version of "Bell, Book & Candle" sung in Japanese by Hitomi Yaida.
  
• Dawn Landes makes nice 'n gentle folky music.
  
• And it's a tad late, but I don't think I ever linked to Pine Cone Punks and their fantastic Holiday song, "Coal For Christmas".
  

Lyrics Quiz: Eric's Two Themes

Eric presents a Lyrics Quiz with two separate (but equal) themes.

Theme A

1. So don't worry about tomorrow, take it today. Forget about the check, we'll get hell to pay.
   
2. Yeah, my whole family done give up on me, and it makes me feel oh so bad. The only one who'll hang out with me, is my dear Old Granddad.
   
3. Take another shot of courage, wonder why the right words never come, you just get numb.
   

Theme B

1. Climb in the back with your head in the clouds, and you're gone.
   
2. Every day I work so hard, bringing home my hard earned pay. Try to love you baby, but you push me away.
   
3. Don't forget this fact, you can't get it back.
   
4. When I first met you, didn't realize. I can't forget you, for your surprise.
   You introduced me, to my mind. And left me wanting, you and your kind.
   
5. Relax, relax, relax, I need some information first. Just the basic facts, can you show me where it hurts?
   

I only got the last one. (D'oh! Should have got B3 too!)

Advertising: Office Depot, Burger King

Mr. B agrees that Office Depot's "Helping Hand" commercial is (a) creepy, and (b) a ripoff of Staples "Easy Button".
So do the internets.

Jay Leno did a risqué takeoff.

You can hack the real Easy Button.

I'm the only one who thinks the Burger King Whopper Jr. commercial has rent boy overtones ("You can't sell yourself for a buck").

Retail: Amazon

Amazon usually makes sound recommendations (although it's embarrassing when that recommendation is made based upon something you bought as a gift for your 12-year-old niece, and Amazon thinks you're a big S Club 7 fan). But then I get this email:

We've noticed that customers who have expressed interest in "Remain in Light" by Talking Heads have also ordered "Some Enchanted Evening" by Art Garfunkel.

Really? REALLY? There's only one thing that can cheer me up now, and that's a photo of Art Garfunkel and his clone.

Movies: Must Watch

It's late at night, you're flipping through the channels, and you stop on a movie. It's a film you've seen a hundred times before, and you really should be going to bed, but you can't help yourself. You've got to watch this movie again. What movies do this for you?

For me, it's "Midnight Run" and "Back To The Future".

Feeble Attempt At Humour

Barbara Walters' 10 Most Wiveting People of 2006.

• Peter Manning - There have been other Cindewella stories in the histowy of the National Football League (a garbageman, a high school coach, a field-goal kicking mule) but none better than that of Peter Manning. This time last year, Manning was a semi-successful model/actor with a stwing of TV commercials on his wesume. In some of these ads, he even played a football player! The Indiana Colts took a chance on this handsome thespian, and Peter wepaid their twust by leading them to the Playouts. If they ever make a movie of his WIVETING life, guess who'll play the lead wole!!!
  
• Dick Cheney - He shot a man in Texas just to watch him die. No one could weally blame him for that, but it was the covew-up that pwoved his undoing. Needless to say, the Vice-Pwesident wesigned when the twuth was wevealed. What he'll do next is anybody's guess, but it's bound to be WIVETING!!!
  
• The Homeless Man Who Begs Near My Studio - I don't know what first piqued my intewest - his psychotic wamblings, his pungent odor, or the wagged clothes that exposed most of his buttocks - but I had to know more about him! I followed him one Apwil evening to the doorway where he makes a bed of bubble-wap and discarded fast food containers. It was one of those mild Spwing nights that whisper, "Summer is just awound the corner!" Perhaps it was the weather, the pathos of his situation, or the Thunderbird wine that we shared, but we ended up making dirty, dirty love on his makeshift bed. As the popping of the plastic bubbles mingled with his gwunts of passion, I was well and twuly WIVETED!!!
  
• iPop - It's not a person, it's a machine. About the size of a shoe, this amazing gadget contains hundweds of tiny wecords, just like a jukebox. I have one and I love it (but I have to ask my gweat-gwandson for help)! Hats off to Bill Gates for inventing this WIVETING music-box!!!
  
• Gewald McWaney - "Major Dad" is still a "Major Stud"! He's the owiginal "McDweamy"! He can "burke" my "delta" anytime! Yes, after all these years, I'm WIVETED!!!
  
• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - Cwazy name! Cwazy guy!
  
• Mel Tillis - No one was more surpwised than me when the stuttewing Countwy Music star went on a tequila-fueled binge in Malibu this year, unleashing a tiwade of anti-Semitic wemarks at police officers. He was certainly not anti-Semitic back in 1973, when we made dirty, dirty love in his dwessing woom at the Gwand Old Opwy. (Although he did accuse the Jews of starting all his ewections!) One thing's for sure - Mel is WIVETING!!! (Actually, upon further weflection, that might have been Woy Acuff in 1973.)
  
• Bawack Obama - He makes no apologies for being Bin Laden's son, but neither does he bwing the subject up. In fact, he seemed confused when I waised the question. But he's not confused about his ambition: to be Amewica's first Pwesident fwom Illinois. To weach that exalted office, he knows he must pwotect his weputation, which is pwobably why he turned down my offer of dirty, dirty sex. Or he's homosexual. Either way, he's WIVETING!!!
  
• "24" - The television show stawwing Keith Sutherland is bweaking all the wules. The scween splits up into two or thwee sections. There is a mystewious "Cookie Monster" who is eating survivors of a plane cwash. And evewy episode lasts twenty-four hours. Too long for me and my tiny bladder, but my gweat-gwandson says it's WIVETING!!!
  
• Woseanne Barr-Arnold-O'Donnell - My final choice may seem a selfish one. After all, I picked Woseanne to be my co-host on "The View". I wanted someone that all the housewives at home could identify with. To be honest, I thought she would talk more about her tewwible ex-husbands, but she has maintained a dignified silence. She doesn't even mention cuwwent husband, Kelly, vewy often. Wecently, Woseanne has been the target of that awful Twump man, and he has twied to dwive a wedge between us. Of course, he has failed. Just last week, I weassured Woseanne before the show, holding her pudgy hands and stwoking her gweasy hair. Before I knew what had happened, we were on the floor making dirty, dirty love. Appawently, we are now "Scissor Sisters". So, Mr, Twump, lay off my Wosie! She's WIVETING!!!
  

Photos: Cute

Awwww!!!

Music: Self-References

What singers have sung their own names in a song? (Let's not include rappers.)

• My name is Prince and I am funky. (Prince, obv.)
  
• No, my first name ain't "baby" - it's Janet. Miss Jackson, if you're nasty. (Miss Jackson)
  
• Where the only water flowing is the bitter Sting of tears. (Sting)
  
• Because of a few songs wherein I spoke of their mystery, women have been exceptionally kind to my old age. They make a secret place in their busy lives and they take me there. They become naked in their different ways, and they say, "Look at me, Leonard. Look at me one last time." Then they bend over the bed and cover me up, like a baby that is shivering. (Leonard Cohen)
  
• Talking to myself, causing great concern for my health. Where is your head, Kathryn? (Kathryn Dawn Lang aka k.d. lang)
  

Advertising: Aveeno

It's the question that all America is asking: Who is the Aveeno Girl? Here's a photo. She's a Dutch model named Daniella van Graas. Her accent coach was Doug Honorof. She played a "beauty" in "Something's Gotta Give", directed by that hack, Nancy Meyers

Monkeys: TSA

The TSA has published guidelines for traveling with a Monkey Helper. "TSOs will conduct a visual inspection on the monkey and will coach the handler on how to hold the monkey during the visual inspection." "The inspection process may require that the handler take off the monkey’s diaper as part of the visual inspection." (Via Defamer.)

Telephone: Greetings

I was watching a boring Italian film. The only interesting part was learning that the Italians answer the phone with the word "Pronto". It means "ready" (the Spanish "pronto" means soon). This article describes telephone greetings around the world. The Japanese win with "Moshi moshi". And too bad that Alexander Graham Bell's "Ahoy-hoy!" never caught on with anyone other than Mr. Burns.

Magic: The Kruskal Count

The death has occurred of mathematician Martin Kruskal. He invented (or discovered) a magic trick called the Kruskal Count. (Further mathematical analysis of the trick.)

Bonus mathematical tricks by Martin Gardner.

Lyrics Quiz: Clothes

Lyrics about clothes. Name the artist & song.

1. They seek him here, they seek him there. His clothes are loud, but never square.
   
2. I, I love the colorful clothes she wears, and the way the sunlight plays upon her hair.
   
3. She's so swishy in her satin and tat, in her frock coat and bippity-boppity hat. Oh, God, I could do better than that.
   
4. Talking to the guy who lives downstairs and walking around in ridiculous flares.
   
5. I'd like to drop my trousers to the Queen. Every sensible child will know what this means.
   
6. Here he comes, he's all dressed in black. PR shoes and a big straw hat.
   
7. Feel this sweater, there's no better than authentic Irish Setter.
   
8. So baby, let's sell your diamond rings to buy some boots and faded jeans and go away. This coat and tie is choking me. In your high society, you cry all day.
   
9. The way you wear your hat. The way you sip your tea.
   
10. Bless my cotton socks I'm in the news.
    
11. Your hat strategically dipped below one eye. Your scarf it was apricot.
    

Quotations: 2006

What were the best quotes of 2006? About.com has the 25 Dumbest Quotes, but they use the wrong part of Bush's overheard conversation at the G8 Summit. Surely "Yo Blair" was the most memorable line? And they quote Mel Gibson's anti-Semitic tirade instead of the phrase I want carved on my tombstone: "What are you looking at, Sugartits?"

The Associated Press also swings and misses, picking a bland Michael Richards apology quote instead of the "Afro-American" one.

BBC Sport has some sporting quotes. The Commentators' Classics are best: "Snakes on a plane? What's that all about?"

For the true nerd, Byte And Switch has the Top Ten Quotes from the storage networking industry. "I'm not sure iSCSI is the right storage protocol the industry needs. I think storage needs to move away from block-level storage protocols and embrace other semantics." Too bloody right!

But my favourite quote of the year came from the Bishop of Southwark. After imbibing too freely at the Irish Embassy in London, he was found in the back seat of someone's car, throwing toys out the window. When asked to explain himself, he replied: "I'm the Bishop of Southwark. It's what I do."