Animals: Strange Stories

Weird animal stories.

• Mice escape on Saudi flight
  
• Actress Natasha Lyonne is accused of threatening to sexually molest a neighbour's dog
  
• 7-legged deer with male and female organs was hit by truck in Wisconsin - and the driver ate it. "It was tasty."
  
• And the world's tallest man saved two dolphin in China by sticking his long arms down to their stomachs and removing plastic. I hope Hollywood makes a movie about this guy with Yao Ming and the delightful Billy Crystal.
  

Sports: John David Booty

USC quarterback John David Booty is a headline writer's dream. "UCLA plans to set a Booty trap against USC" says the San Jose Mercury. Shell suggested "Booty-licious", and indeed, that's how the Detroit Free Press captioned an AP photo. The New York Post used "Booty Call" for the Notre Dame game. "USC's QB no longer a sleeping Booty" said the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. I want to see "Defensive Line Can't Shake Booty".

By the way, if anyone has USC v UCLA on Tivo, go to the end of the 3rd quarter and watch the UCLA waterboy with the glasses and backpack. Talk about gratuitous butt-slapping. Someone should check his credentials to see if he's even part of the team.

Why does he go by a serial killer three-part name? To distinguish him from his father.

And speaking of funny names, maybe the former Russian Prime Minister, Yegor Gaidar, who was struck by a mystery illness in Ireland, would find a geiger counter more useful than "gaydar".

TV: "CSI: Miami"

7 minutes of David Caruso's deadpan lines at the start of every "CSI: Miami". How many can you withstand? I made it to his quip about a victim who died after Speed Dating, "You know what they say - speed kills." And the way he pauses in the middle of the lines to put on his sunglasses! How can anyone take this show (or him) seriously? Another ridiculous clip.

David Spade mocks him.

A young firebrand wrote a letter to Entertainment Weekly back in 1994 when Caruso left "NYPD Blue", predicting he'd have "a long movie career - a Shelley Long career", due to his red hair. That drew an irate reply two issues later: "To say that 'many people view ginger-haired people with suspicion, bordering on repulsion' is the nastiest sort of bigotry, just as objectionable as if he were referring to black people, Jewish people, or anyone." Good times!

TV News: Body Check

Fox News reporter body checks an OSU fan who tries to interrupt his live report.

And here's the Channel 8 (Dallas) streaker. And a Seattle streaker.

Poems: Various Women

Some poems about women.

Amy Sedaris
Is hard to embarrass.

Everybody hurts
Except for Swoosie Kurtz.

Nicole Richie
Is frequently bitchy.

Katie Holmes
Is attracted to gnomes.

YouTube: Tirades

• Michael Richards' racist tirade at the Laugh Factory - just sad.
  
• Chicago Cubs manager Lee Elia profane tirade from 1983 - also sad.
  
• Medley of NFL coachs' tirades - sad, except for Jim Mora's contributions ("Diddly poo").
  
• Faye Dunaway conceited voicemail tirade - pathetic.
  
• Director of 2004 Democratic National Convention calling for more balloons - that's the Demmycrats for you.
  
• Minor League Baseball manager's ultimate tantrum - now that's funny!
  

Sunday Football Miscellany

• I'm surprised that CBS and FOX don't show fake blow-out scores for the games on the other network, to discourage viewers from switching over.
  
• Is Mangini the plural of Mangina? (NSFW)
  
• Why does Phil Simms always sound like he doesn't know what he's talking about? (He's 66% annoying.)
  
• Someday soon, someone will uncover a giant game-fixing scandal in the NFL, and Exhibit 1 will be today's Colts-Cowboys game. (I write this with 11:36 remaining in the 4th quarter, tied 14-14.)
  

Music: Similar Names

Cut-out-and-keep guide to similarly named artists: one a rapper, the other not.

• Rick Ross (or Ro$$) is a Florida rapper. Ricky Ross is the lead singer of Scotland's Deacon Blue.
  
• Jim Jones is a NY rapper. Jim James is the lead singer of My Morning Jacket - playing the Gypsy Tea Room tomorrow night. I'll be there, wearing my evening jacket.
  
• Warren G is a West Coast rapper. Warren G. Harding was the 29th President of the USA, who regulated, East Coast style.
  

Internet: Crazy People

I was Googling something else entirely and found this deposition (allegedly) in the case of William Tyree Jr. v the Central Intelligence Agency, George Bush and others. In one excerpt, the witness says:

My Uncle Pat told me not to listen to anything my father was discussing with me. He was disillusional and I needed to leave him to the state.

I love that word "disillusional". It shows up in a surprising number of Google search results, considering it's not a real word.

This page is part of this crazy person's web site.

Giant front page with no clear organisation of contents? Check.
Links to 9/11 and Chemtrail Conspiracy theories? Check. Flashing text and flashing images? Check.

So what's this guy's personal brand of kookiness? He rails against the "Bush-Millman-Clinton Crime Family". There's even a diagram. And who's Millman? This guy's ex-father-in-law, from what I can make out. It's all too pathetic.

Music: Ryan Adams

Lots of new music at Ryan Adams web site. Although, frankly, most of it is unlistenable. But at least he's having fun.

Lyrics Quiz: Girls

Can you name these songs about girls? While you're working on the list, stream "Graffiti Girl" by Mark Pickerel.

1. I've got so much honey, the bees envy me. I've got a sweeter song than the birds in the trees.
   
2. Oh mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones.
   
3. You know, I feel so dirty when they start talking cute. I wanna tell her that I love her but the point is probably moot.
   
4. The diving man's coming up for air, 'cause the crowd all love pulling Dolly by the hair. By the hair.
   
5. Ten silver saxes, a bass with a bow. The drummer relaxes and waits between shows.
   
6. You've made me acknowledge the devil in me. I hope to God I'm talkin' metaphorically. Hope that I'm talkin' allegorically.
   
7. Friday night and I need a fight. My motorcycle and a switchblade knife. Handful of grease in my hair feels right. But what I need to make me tight are...
   
8. Some boys try and some boys lie but I don't let them play. Only boys who save their pennies make my rainy day.
   
9. Is there anybody going to listen to my story, all about the girl who came to stay?
   
10. Hurry up, hurry up and wait. I stay awake all week and still I wait. I got the blues. Please come see, what your loving means to me.
    
11. You're such a beautiful fish, floppin' on the summer sand. Lookin' for the wave you missed when another one is close at hand.
    
12. High and dry, out of the rain. It's so easy to hurt others when you can't feel pain.
    

Music: Beyonce

Beyonce sings "Irreplaceable" on "TRL". Like the all-female band. Has anyone commented on how the hooky line, "To the left, to the left", presciently anticipated America's electoral swing?

Movies: Promotional Anecdotes

We all know the movie promotion drill by now: film-maker prepares entertaining anecdotes about the production that will whet our appetite, trots them out on the late night circuit. If it's a horror movie, the stories revolve around mysterious happenings on the set. If it's a romantic comedy, the co-star makes coy references to the chemistry between the lead actors.

Now Entertainment Weekly's Holiday Movie Preview has produced the lamest movie promotion anecdote in recorded history. Hack writer-director Nancy Meyers is promoting "The Holiday", starring Cameron Diaz and Jack Black.

"Near the end of the movie, there's this party where Jack's dancing in a suit and he was getting really hot," says Meyers. "I had a powerful air conditioner moved over.... He just pulled up a chair and sat right in front of it."

Wow! A fat guy sat in front of an air conditioner to keep cool! Now this is a movie I gotta see! (At least there's a photo of Cameron Diaz in a bathtub.)

Music: The Cake Sale

There's a charity record out in Ireland, "The Cake Sale", to benefit Oxfam Ireland. Artists featured include Damien Rice, Glen Hansard (The Frames) and the ever lovely Nina Persson. The MySpace page has the song Nina sings, "Black Winged Bird". "Some Surprise" is nice, too.

Video: Matrix Ping Pong

Well worth 1:43 of your time: Matrix Ping Pong.

Here's another variety act that must have taken a lot of rehearsal: two guys in anoraks.

And something that requires very little skill, but is still hugely entertaining: guy singing "Mule Train" while smashing a tray on his head.

Lyrics Quiz: Mystery Theme 2

A Lyrics Quiz with a Mystery Theme from Eric. I don't know a single one of these, so don't ask me.

1. He's got greasy hair, greasy smile, He says, "Lord this must be my destination".
   
2. Although I laugh and I act like a clown, Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown.
   
3. He wants to dream like a young man, With the wisdom of an old man. He wants his home and security, He wants to live like a sailor at sea.
   
4. Unlucky in love, least that's what they say. He lost his head, And he gambled his heart away. He still keeps searching, Though there's nothing left. Staked his heart and lost, Now he has to pay the cost.
   
5. That must have been lust, I was living in style, When the walls fell in, When I played my hand, I looked like a joker. Turn around. Fate must have woke her. 'Cause lady luck she was Waiting outside the door.
   

6. Another dark night, in the city,
   And my prospects lookin' thin.
   The survival of the fittest
   Is the law, in the world that I live in.
   
   I was not born, to be a fighter
   But now's the time I have to learn
   To keep my head, above the water
   Gotta play with fire, but not get burned.
   
   I gotta stand up, I gotta face it
   Don't want to lose it
   I want to taste it while it's hot
   Don't want to waste it, I need it so bad.

   
   

"Hint - Theme is a lyric from song number 1, but not the title."

Music: Stylus Magazine

Stylus Magazine has a few features worth your time:

• Top 50 Live Albums Of All Time. They're missing "Take No Prisoners".
  
• Who's better: U2 or REM?
  
• Critical evaluation of "Electric Blue" by Icehouse (I didn't know it was co-written by John Oates).
  
• Review of a film about Zidane, with music by Mogwai.
  

Pop Culture: Captains Quiz

Match these famous Captains with their real names.

1. Captain America (superhero)	A. Raymond Burns
2. Captain (of Tennille fame)	B. Daryl Dragon
3. Captain Fantastic (alter ego)	C. Bob Keeshan
4. Captain Sensible (of The Damned)	D. Elton John
5. Captain Kangaroo (children's TV host)	E. Horatio McCallister
6. The Sea Captain (Simpsons character)	F. Steve Rogers

Music: Round-Up

• If you like Mojave 3 or Trespassers William, stream an album by Barzin. Mmm, murmury. (Recommended by Chromewaves.)
  
• Video for Midlake's "Head Home". Better period drama video. (Linked to by Torr, who comments on their Fleetwood Mac-ness. Thanks to Robb for turning me on to Midlake.)
  
• Being that November 5 is Ryan Adams' birthday (as well as, amazingly, Bryan Adams! Oh, and Gram Parsons, which is more apt, and Tilda Swinton, just because she came up in conversation the other day), rbally has a concert from October 17. Check out "Freeway To The Canyon". Turns out to be a Neal Casal song - Packwood has been recommending him for about 10 years. Casal is touring with Adams.
  
• For strange and obscure recordings, you can't beat WFMU's Beware Of The Blog. "Teenage Kicks" played on ukeleles, Southern Gospel radio, shortwave radio scans - it's all here.
  

Religion: Ted Haggard

Is this the most gloatable scandal ever involving a senior church official? Newsweek has an interview with the male prostitute, and audio clips of Ted Haggard and the alleged voicemails he sent. There's also a video clip of Haggard railing against homosexuality.

Harpers has reposted an article from May 2005 on the Evangelical movement with a lot about Haggard. Interesting stuff on Colorado Springs, market economics in religion, and how Pastor Ted believes that an evil force called 'Control' makes telephone calls to him.

For those of you don't like reading, YouTube has an interview that evolutionist Richard Dawkins did with Haggard. What a weird mouth he has, how strange the way he purses his lips.

The "In The News" section of his official site makes no mention of his recent troubles.

Celebrities: Children's Entertainment

Children's books, children's movies, children's TV shows, children's records: they mean big $$$, and celebrities are ka-chinging in. Can you distinguish between the real and fake items in this list?

1. Paul McCartney, jealous of Ringo Starr's success narrating "Thomas The Tank Engine", has his own TV show for youngsters, "Heather, The One-Legged Whore".
   
2. Selfish Dallas Cowboy, Terrell Owens, has written a book for kids: "Little T Learns to Share". He's already planning the sequels: "Little T Learns What Not to Say" and "Little T Learns To Say I'm Sorry".
   
3. Contemporary folk artist, Beth Orton, has recorded an English 'books on tape' version of Dr. Seuss: "Orton 'Ears An 'Oo".
   
4. Before his untimely death, Spalding Gray was developing a monologue aimed at children, "Billygoat? Yes. Gruff? No!"
   
5. Devo has created Devo 2.0, a group of kids who play family-friendly versions of old Devo songs.
   

Music: MP3 Blogs

The Rich Girls Are Weeping has an MP3 of Jarvis Cocker from Pulp reciting "The Lion And Albert". Good voice, but he's no Stanley Holloway.

You can hear a track from Cocker's solo album at his MySpace page. It has a very rude chorus.

Hallowe'en: Costumes

• Awesome Transformer costume.
  
• How to dress like Adam Ant (in his various periods - except his most recent crazy period). (Via Copy, Right?.)
  
• Bill Maher's tasteless Steve Irwin costume.
  
• Makezine's costume contest entries and a radio-controlled Dalek pumpkin!
  

Aviation: Pilot Retirement Age

A lot of news organisations have reported on the forced retirement of Southwest Airlines pilot (and former astronaut), Robert "Hoot" Gibson at age 60. All of these reports have focused on the mandatory retirement rule. But some of these stories mention in passing that Gibson is married to an astronaut.

Talk about burying the lede! NASA put a gay man in space?!?!? When did that happen? How come there was no outcry from the Religious Right, fighting to preserve the sanctity of space?

Update. Okay, apparently he's married to a female astronaut. My bad.

Music: Old 97s

Just saw a TV commercial for Chili's with a version of their "I Want My Baby Back" jingle that sounded a hell of a lot like the Old 97s. Lawsuit, I thought. Turns out, it is the Old 97s.

rbally has an Old 97s show from 1999. (And Smiths, Cat Power, Johnny Cash, Jeff Tweedy, Tom Waits...)

Sports: Appropriate Names

A variation on Robb's original sports-appropriate names: which players have (or had) names appropriate to their team?

Robb suggests former Philadelphia Eagles punter, Jeff Feagles.

I'll add the Texas Rangers' Mark Teixeira. Pity he has that first "i" in his name - but then he'd be a comic book artist.

Rhett Bomar would have been a perfect fit for OU (with the inevitable "Bomar Sooner!" headlines) were it not for the compensation scandal. (And for mixing alcohol and Dr. Pepper?)

Colt McCoy is a great name for a Texas Longhorn, but it would be even better if he gets drafted by Indianapolis.

Any more?

TV: Irish TV

Jim started it off by pointing me to "Wanderly Wagon" on YouTube, asking, "Was the theme music always that shite?" I think this was a later version. Did I ever mention that I appeared on the show (with about 100 other kids)?

Is there anything more annoying than the voice of "Bosco"?

"The Late, Late Show" in Lego.

Some musical performances from "The Late, Late Show" (always the best part):

• U2 in 1980 - Bono even works it into "Stories For Boys".
  
• U2 do "All I Want Is You" - great version in tribute to the Omagh victims.
  
• The Virgin Prunes.
  
• The Corrs doing "Everybody Hurts".
  

Gay Byrne punk'd by Mike Murphy (which apparently causes Princess Grace's death).

And the best for last: "D'Unbelievables"!

Motorcycles: Empty Sidecars

Nothing ticks me off more than a motorcycle with an empty sidecar. No, a dog doesn't count.

Haven't these people seen the price of gas? Don't they know that our dependence on foreign oil is dragging us into unwinnable wars?

This sidecar has only one person when it looks like it could fit a lot more.

OK, here's a sidecar that is acceptably empty.

Media: Mike Snyder

Shell points me (with a proper link, no less) to a Dallas Observer/Unfair Park blog item: NBC5 and Mike Snyder make a couple of goofs on a news story. I actually feel a little sympathy for Snyder here, and applaud the straightforward way he acknowledges his mistake. But he's still a pompous ass. And we can never forgive Channel 5 for the odious "Let's JaM!" campaign. Here's an old Jane McGarry flub. And from 1987, Harold Taft shows you how it ought to be done.

Advertising: Sony

Sony's exploding paint ad for their Bravia TVs. I'm with the commenters who say there must be some CGI touch-ups. The official page has a high-res video in the hated QuickTime format.

Music: Tom Waits

Tom Waits has a triple CD coming out next month, "Orphans" (that's nothing - Vince Gill has a 4-disc set). His record label Anti has two tracks to download, and Pitchfork has another.

rbally has a live performance from 1974.

Details of his 1990 lawsuit against Frito-Lay, including a soundfile of the ad. (I wonder what ever happened to the impersonator, Dallas singer Stephen Carter?)

Meanwhile, Scarlett Johansson is reportedly recording an album of Waits covers.

Sports: Trivia

What do Jerry West, Harmon Killebrew, Jim Ferree, and Alex Rodríguez have in common?

Animation: Album Cover War

Great concept, great execution: Album Cover War. What's the cover with the dog?

TV: "Jay Jay The Jet Plane"

On a recent episode of "Jay Jay The Jet Plane", Lina was afraid to fly over the ocean. Mechanic Brenda Blue (I'll bet she's popular with lesbians) told Lina to imagine flying under the water, and think of all the wonderful sea creatures she would find there. This is enough to cure Lina of her aquaphobia.

I totally call bullshit on this. Wouldn't imagining her deepest fear be traumatic for Lina? And how did she imagine all those fish and coral in her fantasy? Bad psychology, PBS Kids.

Miscellany: Sunday

• Has anyone else noticed that gravity seems to be getting stronger lately?
  
• People love kissing pigs. Or pig statues. Even at Christmas. Whoever raises the most money to fight illiteracy in Jacksonville
  gets to kiss a pig. Personally, I don't get this porcine osculation fetish. If I had to kiss any animal, it would be the first dog to bite Nancy Grace, from sheer gratitude. (Although I'd have it tested for rabies first.)
  
• Are we going to have to ban playing the guitar while driving?
  
• CBS is trumpeting their rhyming Sunday night schedule: "The Amazing Race", "Cold Case", "Without A Trace". Not to be outdone, NBC will follow "Deal Or No Deal" with dating show "The 5th Wheel", "The Seventh Seal" (series based on Bergman classic), and "Biel Steals A Meal For Keel", in which the lovely Jessica Biel must procure nourishment for the zombified corpse of musical actor Howard Keel.
  
• Ignore the pathos of grown women teaching their pets to say "I love my Mama", and the canned laughter, and just admit there's nothing funnier than talking dogs.
  

Politics: Page Scandal

Wonkette highlights an unfortunately (or craftily) phrased sentence from The Hill:

Hastert and Boehner need to get on the same page or Republican troubles will continue to mount.

I wish I'd thought of that one!

Writers: "Bachem Macuno"

The blog of a bitter TV/film writer, Agents Can Eat My Ass Out Like Hungry Bears. Don't miss the link to rejected "Love Is.." comics ("Love is nothing in your inbox since the night you let him up your outbox").

Ideas: Brilliant

Two brilliant ideas, free to you, the general public.

• You know how hard it is to gauge the dress code for certain situations? A night at the symphony, dinner at a sit-down restaurant, the funeral of a hippy. I have the perfect solution: wear a clown costume. No one is going to say, "Excuse me, sir, but you should be wearing a formal clown suit." (Robb disagrees, pointing out that some clown suits are formal.)
  
• You know that mist that forms in the neck of a beer bottle when you pop the top? I say we save it up, and send it to drought-ravaged areas of the world. I'm keeping mine in a mason jar in my freezer.
  

Politics: Mark Foley

Can Rep. Mark Foley save his career by promising to turn over a new page? (Too soon?)

Business: Appropriate Names

This New York Times/CNET story about a Firefox security flaw quotes Mozilla's security chief, Window Snyder. Her name was even more appropriate when she used to work for Microsoft.

Here's her blog (infrequently updated, understandably).

Movies: Polls

Radar magazine polled Hollywood insiders in such categories as "Nightmare Actor" (Russell Crowe), "Biggest Hack" (Brett Ratner), "Biggest Credit Hog" (Brian Grazer) and "Biggest Mensch" (Ron Meyer, head of Universal).

(Thanks to Shell for the link.)

Music: Lloyd Cole

Stream Lloyd Cole's new album. Very pleasant. I'd love to hear George Strait doing a countrified version of "How Wrong Can You Be".

Or listen to Scottish band Camera Obscura sing "Lloyd, I'm Ready To Be Heartbroken".

Lloyd and the Commotions had a mini-reunion back in 2004.

YouTube videos: "Rattlesnakes", "Perfect Skin", "Forest Fire", "Are You Ready To Be Heartbroken?" (live), "Brand New Friend", "My Bag" (did he have to change "powder my nose" to "launder my clothes" for MTV?), "Jennifer She Said", "Don't Look Bad", "She's A Girl And I'm A Man" (those last two feature the late guitarist Robert Quine's "reliably understated seething").

And is Jimmy Carr a Lloyd Cole lookalike?

Movies: "The Science Of Sleep"

Here's a funny little video/trailer/PSA for Michel Gondry's new film, "The Science Of Sleep". I like the gal in the video, Linda Serbu. I like the way she says "kitty". Here's a short film she made about pet adoption. And here's a her music video with Simone White. I hope Michel is schtupping one, if not both, of them.

Chromewaves, one of the classiest MP3 blogs around, also has an MP3 of the song the cats sing in "The Science Of Sleep": "If You Rescue Me" (sung to the tune of the Velvet Underground's "After Hours").

Comic Strips: "The Family Circus"

After yesterday's post, Eric wants to know if there's a web site that explains "The Family Circus". There is a YouTube video that asks people to explain one particular joke. (And, to one of the guys featured at the start of the video, the Family Circus makes us all "angry and depressed".) There is also an archive of the Dysfunctional Family Circus, which asked readers to submit new captions for actual drawings. Example. Not much quality control on this.

Comic Strips: "Marmaduke"

Enjoy Marmaduke but don't always get the jokes? Lucky for you, there's Marmaduke Explained.

Brought to you by the Mathletes (check out their expensive video for "Pinocchiobot" - the money is all on the screen).

Psychology: Definition Of Madness

There's a frequently quoted definition of madness: "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". The saying is variously attributed to Benjamin Franklin and Einstein.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I see that as a definition of stupidity.

My definition of madness is to wrap a vacuum cleaner hose around your waist, put an aluminium pie plate on your head, and say "Look at me! I'm Laverne and Shirley!"

Animals: 4-Legged Chickens

Eric sent me a link to this story about a 4-legged chicken discovered in Pennsylvania. No picture, unfortunately. But here's a 4-legged chick from 2003, in Delaware. And here's one from 2006 in New Zealand. (There are a lot of freaky animals on that last blog.)

Animals: Pandas

Zoo Week continues: drunken Chinese man is bitten by panda he wanted to hug and tries to bite its back "but its fur was too thick".

Is there anything drunker than a drunken Chinaman? No, there is not. #2 in drunkenness: monks. #3: judges. (Sailors are not as drunken as you might think.)

Here's a video of a panda grabbing a zoo vistor's jacket.

Animals: Crossbred Lions

The lion sleeps tonight, and most of the day too, because it's a cross-breeding experiment gone horribly wrong. Why couldn't they breed ligers?

(Thanks to Eric for the link.)

Business: Bad Brand Names

What are the worst brand names of all time?

• Hydrox cookies. It sounds like bleach, but it was actually the original sandwich cookie, ripped off by Oreo. (You can sign a petition to bring them back.)
  
• Phillie Blunt. It's a cheap cigar, but sounds like a doobie. (Which may be its eventual use.)
  
• Piggly Wiggly. Supermarkets are neither piggly nor wiggly.
  
• Price Pfister. Faucets - or, as they say, pfaucets. That's pfunny, but it still sounds like a pfilthy pform of pfornication.
  
• Gap and Old Navy are bad enough, but Forth & Towne is pretentious as all get out.
  

Completely unrelated: the White Stripes on "The Simpsons". It's a parody of the "Hardest Button To Button" video by Michel Gondry.

Movies: Queenan On Eszterhas

Funny Joe Queenan review of Joe Eszterhas' memoir. Excerpt:

A lengthy series of axioms, anecdotes, exhortations, accolades, admonitions and insults, the book does not need to be read in the order in which it was written. Rather, much as in the case of the Old Testament, which it greatly resembles in its stylistic delicacy and unquavering jeremiadic tone, the reader can dip in anywhere.

True, since the author, now 62, regularly refers to such once-mythical but now obscure figures as Zsa Zsa Gabor, Yvonne de Carlo, Elizabeth Berkley and William Faulkner, it is not certain that the intended reader will understand all the references. Still, the overall message — everyone in Hollywood is an untrustworthy moron except me and a couple of directors I might one day work with again — comes through fairly clearly.

Gambling: Roulette

Device to help you win at roulette - costs £1,000, or about $1,877.

More roulette cheats.

And here's an online roulette game - I quit when I got up to $700.

Politics: Robert Novak

Get a jump on next Monday's "Daily Show" by watching this C-SPAN video of Robert Novak. Skip to the last five minutes to hear Novak say:

Somebody mentioned the Jon Stewart program. I've never seen that in my life and I'll go to my grave never having seen it ... A self-righteous comedian taking on airs of grandeur, and I don't really need that.

Could it be because of moments like this? Ot the "Snake On A Plame" reference? Or because he awarded Novak the "Congressional Medal of Douche Bag"?

Alternatively, you can watch the Bert Blyleven F-Bomb.

Phrases: "Zip Up Yer Mickey"

Irish entertainer Twink (real name: Adele King) had a messy separation from her husband this year. Someone has leaked the answering machine message she left for him after his mistress had a baby. You can hear it at this band's MySpace page. (Warning: strong language.) And there's an unnecessary remix.

The standout phrase, "Zip up yer mickey", has become a t-shirt.

There's also a new operating system based on the tape.

Here's a photo of her 1960s girl group, Maxi, Dick 'n' Twink. (Helpful hint: make sure you have SafeSearch enabled before searching for "dick" and "twink".)

Lyrics Quiz: Hair

Name these songs that mention hair. I've removed the (Title) from two of them. Quiz inspired by #6, mentioned by Robb the other week.

1. Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place, where as a child I'd hide, and pray for the thunder and the rain to quietly pass me by.
   
2. It's late in the evening. She's wondering what clothes to wear. She puts on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair.
   
3. I got a girlfriend with bows in her hair. And nothing is better than that.
   
4. The girls comb their hair in rearview mirrors, and the boys try to look so hard.
   
5. Her hair was golden brown. (Title) like a cornfield.
   
6. She had hair like Jeannie Shrimpton, back in 1965. She had legs that never ended. I was halfway paralyzed.
   
7. With your long blonde hair and your eyes of blue, the only thing I ever got from you was (title).
   
8. Lily Belle, your hair is golden brown. I've seen your black man comin' round.
   
9. Don't u know straight hair ain't got no curl?
   
10. Well, my friends are gone and my hair is grey. I ache in the places where I used to play.
    
11. If they dare touch a hair on your head, I'll fight to the last breath.
    
12. I can promise you, you'll stay as beautiful, with dark hair, and soft skin...forever. Forever.
    
13. Says she likes my hair 'cause it's down my back. Says she likes the group 'cause we pull in the slack.
    

Update: Robb adds this one:

14. I don't know what color your eyes are, baby, but your hair is long and brown.

TV: Recycled Titles

New TV shows have a depressing similarity to previous ones: a group of "friends" share laughs and love, a criminal mastermind and his crew pull off heists, a group of strangers are brought together by a traumatic event. Why don't the networks take it a step further and re-use old TV show titles?

• "Will & Grace" - George F. Will and Nancy Grace debate current events, with the hideous Grace trying to link everything to Natalee Holloway, and the pompous Will making gratuitous references to baseball.
  
• "Father Knows Best" - A working class stiff is abused by his wife and kids until he befriends the Beatles' first drummer, Pete Best.
  
• "The Jeffersons" - The third President of the USA, a basketball player, and a tall English cricket player form an elite crime-fighting squad. They use their powers of constitutional politics, dribbling, and reaching objects on high shelves to avenge the downtrodden.
  
• "Knots Landing" - A North Carolina town is plagued by a mysterious...er...plague of bits of string falling from the sky. Only the malevolent Eagle Scout leader (Dylan Baker) seems unconcerned.
  
• "Who's The Boss" - Dr. Who replaces David Brent as the manager of Wernham Hogg in this spin-off of "The Office".
  
• "Diff'rent Strokes" - It's the Monkees with a modern twist. The members of the Strokes share a New York apartment. In order to pay the rent, they have to take day jobs - but they never seem to last longer than one episode!
  
• "Family Ties" - A family-owned necktie company struggles in the era of "buiness casual".
  
• "Saved By The Bell" - An FBI sharp-shooter protects a small town from his perch atop the church steeple. Every episode ends with the villain trying to shoot our hero, but the titular bell deflects the bullets.
  
• "Wings" - A colorful cast of characters populates a chicken wing restaurant. It will probably be derided as a "Cheers" knockoff.
  

Physiology: Butt Implants?

Robb sent me the photos seen on this page and wanted to know if they were butt implants or Photoshop. Even the Snopes messageboard crowd can't agree. I wonder how she'd score on this equation devised by British boffins to measure the perfect female derriere. (Nice touch in the news article to get a quote from Sir Mix-A-Lot.)

Here are some jokes sent to Snopes by stupid readers. I like the airplane/Coca Cola/shoe one. But jeers to Snopes for having pop-up ads.

Videos: Weatherman v Cockroach

Rather gay TV weatherman is startled by insect crawling up his leg. Even more startled than the baby panda's mother.

Sports: Andrea Kremer

She has a glowing resume but I'd never seen Andrea Kremer until tonight's NFL game on NBC. She's their sideline reporter. All I'll say is, I can't wait to see Amy Poehler's impression of her on SNL. (Although Cheri Oteri would have been better at catching the craziness in her eyes.) And why does this profile start with the quote, "I need a box?"

Videos: Baby Panda Sneeze

Video of a baby panda sneezing - it'll have to hold you over until they release the stingray video.

Lyrics Quiz: Sandwiches

I was hungry when I made up this here Lyrics Quiz, and kept thinking about sandwiches.

1. In the town where I was born, lived a man who sailed to sea. And he told us of his life, in the land of sandwiches.
   
2. But I'm just a sandwich and nobody loves me. (He's just a sandwich from a poor family.)
   
3. Just like a paperback novel - the kind that drugstores sell. When you reach the part where the heartaches come, the sandwich would be me. But sandwiches often fail.
   
4. The guilty undertaker sighs, the lonesome organ sandwich cries, the silver saxophones say I should refuse you.
   
5. Meanwhile, far away in another part of town, Sandwich Carter and a couple of friends are drivin' around. Number one contender for the middleweight crown. Had no idea what kinda shit was about to go down.
   
6. Merry Christmas, I sandwiched it up and sent it, with a note saying "I love you", and I meant it.
   

And some bonus bread lyrics:

1. She's been living in her white bread world, as long as anyone with hot blood can.
   
2. Yeah, I'd break bread and wine, if there was a church I could receive in.
   
3. Buying bread from a man in Brussels. He was six foot four and full of muscles.
   
4. There's a skeleton choking on a crust of bread.
   
5. I don't mind stealing bread from the mouths of decadence.
   

Office Pools: American Football

Hard to believe that the NFL season starts on Thursday. Once again, you can join a free football pool at Enterpool.

In the Enterpool version, you pick each game against the line (generally published on Friday - except for Thursday games). You also assign "confidence points" for each game. If you pick the correct winner, you score that many points. More information here.

If you're not already a member, registration is simple. Then click "Join A Group" to add yourself to the public league.

If you have a lot of friends, or want to start an office pool, click "Start A Group" to create a private league. You'll be able to invite your pals to join.

My tip: go ahead and make all your picks for the season now. You can go back and change them later, but at least you'll have some picks in case you forget/lose your internet connection/get called out of town.

Videos: Humourous

Funny videos at lulu.tv. Too bad they don't have a Search box.

• British lass tries the Mentos and Pepsi trick on herself.
  
• Silent movie version of "Dirty Dancing": "The Corner'ingation Of Baby". Love that 1920s slang! Could have done with a little spellcheck, though.
  
• "Napoleon Bonamite" - claymation.
  
• The Emperor takes a call from Darth Vader - animated.
  
• "Hey Ya, Charlie Brown" - the Peanuts gang dance to Outkast.
  

Anecdotes: Lady Juliana Roberts

Hugh Leonard tells a story in his Sunday Independent column about Lady Juliana Roberts of Dromineer, who died recently. In case you can't get past the registration page, here it is.

My favourite memory was Julie's story of how, when Bobby Sands died, the Provos, staunch democrats that they were, and perhaps still are, demanded that every business establishment in the Nenagh area cease business as a mark of respect.

Lady Julie's reaction was one of well-feigned indignation. "Are you suggesting," she said, "that I should close my doors because of the death of a British member of parliament?"

The heroes faded away like a dawn mist on Lough Derg.

Comic Strips: The Outbursts Of Everett True

Comic strip from the first quarter of the 20th century, "The Outbursts Of Everett True" (found via The Comics Curmudgeon).

Everett True is a big fat man who beats people up for offending his sensibilities. He doesn't like people who are late, sales people who ignore their customers, people who poke him in the chest to emphasise their point, and smart alec cops - among many others.

But is violence really the answer to these pests? As Mr. True says, "There's no hope of my beating any sense into you, but I'll knock some of the ignorance out of you!!!!"

Phrases: "Dignify A Response"

In this Guardian story about a British TV drama that shows President Bush being assassinated (bet Rarb can't wait to download that), a White House spokeswoman, Emily Lawrimore, is quoted as saying:

"We are not going to comment, because it does not dignify a response."

The same quote shows up in other reports.

You don't "dignify a response". You dignify another person or what they said with a response. Or you could say, "That doesn't deserve a response".

I hope Emily is being misquoted, but I doubt it. Google shows lots of others making the same mistake.

In this USA Today story about Doonesbury (has this strip ever been funny? is it even meant to be?), a different White House spokesperson, Dana Perino, uses the same phrase.

Here's a Harvard pro-choice student saying it.

A Nova Scotian politician ("the member for Halifax Needham") said it too.

There were a lot of reasons to ridicule Scott McClellan, but at least he knew how to say "dignify that with a response".

Internet: Google Books

Things I've learned from Google Books:

• Goitre is also known as Derbyshire neck.
  
• Thomas Edison (in this 1908 biography) referred to difficulties in perfecting his inventions as "bugs". I thought I'd stumbled on a great etymological discovery but Wikipedia beat me to it.
  
• In 1863, "the dress of a base ball player should consist of light flannel shirt and trowsers, a flannel cap with a projecting visor of white enamelled leather, and canvas shows with spiked soles."
  
• There were 226 diarrhea-related deaths in Michigan in 1879 - but none in March.
  
• The word gossip derives from godsyb, an old word for godparent.
  

On notice! Created with The Stephen Colbert "On Notice Board" Generator. 

Writers: Daphne Oz

Is this writer's head too small for her body? Could it be because of her Dorm Room Diet?

Videos: Ricky Gervais

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant training video for Microsoft. Funny. Here's the second one. From 2004, apparently.

Physiology: The Tetris Effect

What do you see when you close your eyes?

I've been working on a Simpsons jigsaw puzzle, so I see Homer and Bart and Krusty. The so-called Tetris effect. I also get it after weeding in the garden: when I close my eyes, I see weeds shooting out like fireworks.

The Wikipedia article cites this study which found that even amnesiacs, who couldn't remember playing Tetris, still experienced the Tetris effect.

And so you can get hooked all over again, online Tetris.

Cryptic Crossword: 6x5

	1		2		3
4
5

Across

4. Girl gets pain in both sides. (6)

5. Female author Blyton strays, almost has sex. (6)

Down

1. Woman receives most of divested phone company. (5)

2. Asexual girl, both cold and hot, backs man's title. (5)

3. Well-endowed lady at heart. (5)

Business: German Brothers

What is it about German brothers who start a business together that causes them to feud and create competing companies?

The Aldi supermarket chain was founded in 1948 by Karl and Theo Albrecht. They split up in 1962 because one wanted to sell cigarettes at the checkout counters and the other didn't. So now it's Aldi Nord and Aldi Sud.

adidas was founded by Adolf Dassler; Puma was founded by his brother Rudolf after a mysterious falling out.

And then there was the Austrian house-painting firm of W. & A. Hitler, who parted acrimoniously because Werner thought they should use an undercoat of lead-based paint, and Adolf thought they should invade Poland.

Media: Dallas Morning News

Dalllas Blog names some Dallas Morning News writers taking the buyout offer. Includes my two favourite DMN columnists, Ed Bark and Scott Burns. Love the comment by "Glen":

But then, I'm not down there stirring my coffee with a Cue Cat, filling it to the rim of my old TXCN mug. Maybe I just don't have the vision.

Media: News Anniversary Stories

Don't you hate "anniversary stories" in newspapers and on TV - like the one year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina? It's called a newspaper, not an oldspaper.

But I hope you'll forgive me for bringing up one anniversary: the 150th anniversary of the death of Preston Himmelfarb. Himmelfarb (a distant ancestor of mine, if I may so brag) is credited with the invention of the cowcatcher on locomotive engines. Despite what Wikipedia says, Charles Babbage merely refined Himmelfarb's idea by using a metal frame on the front of the train. Himmelfarb believed in the "set a thief to catch a thief" theory, and who better to catch cows, he reasoned, than a cow? "The bovine mind is an intricate and elegant machine," he wrote (perhaps overestimating the intelligence of cattle). "Its ways are not known to mere humans. Put place a cow securely on the frontmost part of a moving steam-engine, arm it with lassos and other means of entrapment, and this cow shall catch any of its brethern which may wander too close to the steam-engine."

Health: Gout

Jared Leto has Gout. He joins other famous sufferers, like Isaac Newton, Benjamin Disraeli, Nostrodamus, and Charles V or I. Serves him right for how he treated Angela Chase.

Gout always reminds me of Ronnie Corbett's joke about the soldier in a train compartment with a vicar. The soldier looks up from his newspaper and says, "Excuse me, Padre, but what's 'gout'?" The vicar primly replies, "Gout is a disease which afflicts those who abuse wine and spirits, who feed their gluttonous appetites, and who engage in decadent debauchery, commiting sins of the flesh. Why do you ask, my son?" The soldier points at his newspaper. "It says here the Archbishop of Canterbury's got it."

Bonus: The Two Ronnies' "Mastermind" sketch (which also mentions the Archbishop of Canterbury).

Hoax: Toilet Spider

Women did not die from spider bites in a Chili's restroom (or any other restaurant).

Astronomy: Pluto

The International Astronomical Union has decided that Pluto is no longer a planet. "Not planety enough," in the words of one astronomer.

Coincidentally, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences has voted that "The Adventures Of Pluto Nash" shall no longer be considered a motion picture. "Movies should offer entertainment and enlightenment," said AMPAS president Burt Young, "and that piece of crap offers neither."

Meanwhile, the lyrics of Cole Porter's "(I'm) Always True To You In My Fashion" have decided to expunge the line, "Mister Harris, plutocrat, wants to give my cheek a pat". From now on, it will be, "Mister Harris, dum-di-dat, dum-di dum-di dum-dum-dat."

Videos: Hacks

Video of a Coke machine "hack" - although all he gets is a "menu" of different numbers. And where does a bottle of Coke cost $1.50? I thought $1 was bad enough. Here's a similar Pepsi hack.

Music: The Triffids

Great musical news courtesy of Turquoise Days - The Triffids' albums are being reissued with bonus tracks. (Check out the video for "Wide Open Road", download some tracks and follow the links to the official sites.) First up is "Born Sandy Devotional". One of my favourite CD listening memories is playing that album in a rental car as I drove from Ayers Rock/Uluru to Alice Springs on, as it happens, a wide open road. The official Triffids site is maintained by their pedal steel guitarist, "Evil" Graham Lee (one of the best nicknames in rock).

Movie Quiz: A Minus

A single letter 'A' has been removed from these movie titles, changing their plots in the process. Name the original movie and the new title.

1. In the first film of a sci-fi franchise, the crew of a spaceship makes a horrifying discovery: someone has filed a legal claim against the ship.
   
2. Audrey Hepburn plays a blind woman, terrorised in her apartment by Oscar Wilde. Luckily, he has to leave when the sun sets.
   
3. An archeologist races against Nazis to find a biblical relic - and to fulfill the outrageous clauses added to its contract.
   
4. Two straight men accidentally rent a "gays only" android, and must act gay in order to keep it.
   
5. A reporter researches an article about a woman notorious for leaving her grooms-to-be at the airport.
   
6. A textile worker fights to unionise a mill, while facing discrimination because of his sex-change operation.
   
7. A "swinging" couple gets more than they bargained for when they invite their neighbor into their bed: parasitical insects infest their hair.
   

Technology: Batteries

Irish firm claims to have created "free energy" technology. Batteries that give out more energy than you put in. The company, Steorn, took out an ad in the Economist (does anyone read the Economist who isn't flying transatlantic?) challenging the world's scientists to investigate their claims. They have a video too. Neither chap seems very credible - there's something about the way they move their mouths when they talk. And the analogy of "if you walk up a hill, and then walk back down, you've gained energy" - what???

So it a hoax? Fraud? (Steorn says they also "address counterfeit crime in areas such as plastic card fraud and optical disc fraud".) PR stunt for some other business? We'll see.

Videos: Humourous

O! News - parody of E! News with excellent celebrity impressions. I found it searching for Sarah Alexander, the feline star of Coupling. She's dating one of the makers of the video. That's her beside "Al Pacino", played by her boyfriend (who also did the voice of Darth Maul).

And here's a picture of Sarah in (appropriately) a catsuit.

Religion: Ole Anthony

Dallas Observer article on church leader Ole Anthony. He was behind ABC's exposure of televangelist Robert Tilton in 1991. This article paints his church/foundation as a cult - or cultlike, at least. (Thanks to Shell for the heads up.)

The Trinity Foundation carries a more favorable New Yorker profile from 2004. Joe Bob Briggs is a follower. The Wikipedia piece says that the Trinity Foundation was behind that Tilton/flatulence video I posted recently.

Names: Fake

Does anyone else get spam with Jamaal Wheatcraft as the sender or subject? A Google search throws up surprisingly few results, and none with both names together.

Vernon Bear is often used as a fake name for test bookings in the travel industry (as in GetThere training manual).

I wish I could remember the fake name used by airline staff (AA anyway) when they call the Cargo department about transporting a coffin, in front of a relative. They ask for "Jim" somebody, I think.

John Doe is used in legal cases for someone unknown or anonymous.

Alan Smithee is used for anonymous movie credits. "The O.J. Simpson Story" may be his best work.

Any other fake name conventions?

Music: Mush-Mouthed Singers

Who are the mushiest-mouthed singers of all time? I heard John Hiatt singing "Drive South" last night, and it sounded like he was gargling potato salad.

Darius Rucker aka Hootie, of course.

Tindersticks singer Stuart Staples is described on Wikipedia as having a "smoky baritone", but sometimes that smoke becomes sludge (in a good way).

Google has 77 results for mushmouth "Thom Yorke". 783 results for mushmouth "Bruce Springsteen". 1,380 results for mushmouth "Bob Dylan".

Jazz singer Mary Stallings says she learned from Dinah Washington: "you don't need to sing mush-mouthed to have soul".

And, while not musical, let's pay tribute to Bill Thompson, who provided the voice of Droopy. He did not do the voice of Droopy knockoff, Inspector Willoughby.

Music: "Baba O'Riley"

Robb wants to know why the Texas Rangers play the Who's "Baba O'Riley" before their home games. "Out here in the fields, I fight for my meals"? Major League Baseball players still receive a meal allowance when they're on the road. "Don't cry. Don't raise your eye. It's only teenage wasteland"? As we all know, there's no crying in baseball. "Oh, oh, teenage wasteland. They're all wasted!" Are the Rangers trying to tell us something about the players' use of alcohol and greenies before, during and after games?

I think it's an awful song because of that cacophanous synthesizer intro. Apparently, the theme is based on an algorithm using some Iranian-Indian dude's vital statistics.

Do you know any otherwise decent songs that are ruined by an ugly intro or outro?

Celebrities: Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow's "I Am African" ad (for African AIDS relief charity). Inevitable parodies at Gawker and Defamer.

Astronomy: Moon

NASA explains the Harvest Moon. It's the full moon closest to the autumnal equinox. The Harvest Moon has the smallest difference in moonrise times between consecutive days.

Each month of the year has its own moon name. Which of them are song titles? "Harvest Moon" by Neil Young. "Pink Moon" by Nick Drake. "Hunter's Moon" by Thin White Rope. Incredibly, no one has written a song called "Beaver Moon".

So what do you call the big yellow moon that hovers over the horizon? I don't know. Big yellow moon? But why does it appear to be so big?

The "Moon Illusion" explained.

And what is a Killing Moon? It's a moon that will come too soon.

Videos: Humourous

Vh1's Best Week Ever presents a revamped trailer for Mel Gibson's "Signs (of Anti-Semitism)".

Lyrics Quiz: Bed

Bed-related lyrics quiz.

1. These are the days when you wish your bed was already made.
   
2. She got pictures on the wall, they make me look up from her big brass bed. Now I'm running down the road, trying to stay up - somewhere in her head.
   
3. Well by the force of will, my lungs are filled and so I breathe. Lately it seems this big bed is where I never leave.
   
4. Giving me head on the unmade bed, while the limousines wait in the street.
   
5. Sleight of hand and twist of fate. On a bed of nails she makes me wait.
   
6. I got up to wash my face. When I come back to bed, someone's taken my place.
   
7. But I kind of like the feel of this extra few feet in my bed.
   
8. I get up in the evening and I ain't got nothing to say. I come home in the morning. I go to bed feeling the same way.
   
9. I can't sleep 'cause my bed's on fire. Don't touch me, I'm a real live wire.
   
10. "Hey, that was great," he said, "I wish we could stay in bed. But I got to be at work in less than an hour."
    
11. Tuesday, Wednesday, stay in bed. Or Thursday, watch the walls instead.
    
12. ...Fifteen of those are nights. Can't sleep when the bed sheet fights its way back to your side.
    

Bonus: I don't know any of their songs but I like this line by the Handsome Family: "Liza Minnelli spent a month in her bed, certain that Skylab would fall on her head."

Baseball: Preppy Names

Who has the preppiest name in baseball?

• Lastings Milledge of the NY Mets. (Although the dreadlocks aren't very preppy.)
  
• Chase Utley of the Phillies (whose hitting streak came to an end at 35 games on Friday).
  
• Justin Verlander of the Tigers (he went to Old Dominion, which sounds like a preppy school).
  
• Kyle Farnsworth of the Yankees (born in Wichita, KS and attended Abraham Baldwin Agricultural College in Tifton, GA).
  
• J.P. Howell of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. (Any relation to Thurston Howell III?)
  
• Aubrey Huff of the Astros.
  
• Chad Billingsley of the LA Dodgers.
  
• Todd Hollandsworth of the Cleveland Indians - and formerly of the Texas Rangers, among many others. The video game MVP Baseball 2005 can't handle players with names longer than 9 letters.
  

I've got to give the nod to Chase Utley.

Media: Video Round-Up

• You may remember OK Go's video for "A Million Ways", a brilliantly choreographed dance routine in someone's backyard. They have outdone themselves with "Here It Goes Again", using eight treadmills (although the song is weak).
  
• "The View" discusses the Morning After Pill, and Elizabeth Hasselbeck is told off by Baba Wawa for showing passion. Silly wagon.
  
• Paris Hilton's single "Stars Are Blind" doesn't suck, but the video is a rip-off of Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game".
  
• More fake reggae: Scritti Politti's "The Word Girl".
  
• Travelocity.co.uk's gay flight attendant commercial. The Roaming Gnome is a lot more subtle in his gnomosexuality.
  
• Robert Tilton with added fart noises. Funny, but some of the farts are too metallic.
  
• Ryan Adams: "Oh My Sweet Carolina" (solo acoustic), "When The Stars Go Blue" (video with RA as a cab driver), "So Alive" (on Letterman), "Answering Bell" (on Leno, with Adam Duritz - the cardboard cutout of Chewbacca is on the left, Duritz is on the right), "Let It Ride" (on Letterman, hiding his face), "Blue Hotel" (live in July, new song, not the Chris Isaak song), "Anybody Wanna Take Me Home?" (live from the same show).
  

Band Names: Numbers & Letters

Robb had an idea for a list of band names that include any alpha-numeric character. That seems a little broad to me, so instead, here are bands with both numbers and letters, but no actual words.

• UB40
  
• U2
  
• JJ72
  
• L7
  
• 10cc
  
• BR5-49
  
• D12
  
• M83
  

(Note: letters that spell a word are not allowed. So no 808 State or 10,000 Maniacs. No S Club 7 or The B-52s. And it's Us3, not US3.)

Movie Quote Quiz: F***

Name these movies that use the F-word.

1. F*** it! F***! F***! F***! F***! F***ity f***!
   
2. How the f*** am I funny, what the f*** is so funny about me?
   
3. Don't be tellin' me about foot massages. I'm the foot f***in' master.
   
4. Well, f*** me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Theresa?
   
5. "What's your name?" "F*** you. That's my name."
   
6. Don't f*** with the babysitter.
   
7. I didn't ask for a f***ing psychological lecture. I only asked for a f***ing light.
   
8. You are the vulgarian, you f***.
   
9. Did you f*** my wife?
   
10. Go f*** yourself, San Diego.
    

On a related note, you haven't watched "Deadwood" until you've seen it on Sky with sign language. A guy stands in the corner and signs the dialogue. Despite its frequency, I couldn't make out the sign for "f***", but "c***s***er" was pretty obvious. What really cracked me up was when there was no talking, and the signer turned sideways to watch the action.

Movies: "Die Hard" tribute

Defamer has a musical tribute to the "Die Hard" movies". NSFW.

Drugs: Warnings

The Onion A.V. Club has a clip of Florrie Fisher warning about the dangers of LSD. YouTube has another clip. She was one of the inspirations for Amy Sedaris' Jerri Blank character (I hope to see the "Strangers With Candy" movie tomorrow.)

Music: Bonnie "Prince" Billy

Pitchfork has the commercial for Bonnie "Prince" Billy's new album - is it "too soon" for that punchline?

Cryptic Crossword: 7x5

1		2		3		4
5
6

Across

1. Achieve success in part. Altogether charming! (7)
5. Bill Trendy: bad habit is swallowing ring. (7)
6. Indulgent - let baseball team play inside. (7)

Down

1. Spin western girl, bump her head. (5)
2. Not applicable against an Irish town, either way. (5)
3. Nothing to live for, drab colour. (5)
4. The night before New Testament occurrence. (5)

Sports: World Cup

• Lookalikes: Portugal's Maniche and Slade's Dave Hill. The Rainbow Connection thinks so too. (He also has Lavolpe-DeNiro.)
  
• And how about Portugal's Brazilian coach Scolari and Gene Hackman? (Lots of people agree with that one.)
  
• Sports-appropriate name: Sweden's Marcus Allbäck (both first and last names).
  
• Something that always makes me laugh: when one Spanish commentator says to another, "Si senor." There's just something about their formality that cracks me up.
  
• Also funny: the name of the section on FIFA's official site, VIPs Love Football. And what a collection of VIPs! Film composer Ennio Morricone, US Olympic swimmer Lenny Krayzelburg, Scorpions lead singer Klaus Meine, Tunisian singer-songwriter Lotfi Bouchnak, Czech model Tereza Maxova, Spike Lee, Japanese architect Arata Isozaki, and Mikhail Gorbachev.
  
• Excerpt from "The Simpsons" with a Portugal-Mexico match. Riot ensues.
  
• In World Cup warm-up, Colombia's goalkeeper scores against Poland.
  

Feeble Attempt At Humour

Some comedy gold for my friend Chris. Feel free to try these nuggets out at Picchi Pacchi's Open Mic Night.

• What do you call a Dallas Maverick with a faucet on the side of his head? Erick Damp Ear
  
• Which Dallas Maverick gets people out of the way of a Honda Odyssey? Keith Van Horn
  
• Which Dallas Maverick has the most birds? Aviary Johnson
  
• Which Dallas Maverick has the least witzki? Dirk No-witzki
  
• What did the newspapers call it when the Mavericks' owner lost his Bible? The Cuban Missal Crisis
  
• What do they call IHOP in Germany? Jerry Stackhaus
  

Thank you. I'll be here all week - unlike the Mavs.

TV News: Slip-Ups

As seen on VH1's "Web Junk 2.0", the anchorwoman who miscategorised a blind mountaineer.

Lookalikes: Keanu Reeves

Did anyone else see Keanu Reeves on the cover of Parade magazine ("printed on the highest quality news-tissue") and think, "Hey, has Al Gore had some work done?"

Sports: World Cup

• Best football-appropriate name of the tournament so far: Iran's Yahya Golmohammadi. I'd love to hear what Andres Cantor could do with that name if he scored.
  
• Runner-up: Mexico's O. Bravo. I was disappointed to learn that the "O" stood for Omar, and not Oscar.
  
• Driven away by Tommy Smyth and US commentators who feel compelled to use other sports to explain the game, I've been watching Univision. I haven't a clue what they're saying, apart from "esquina", "falta" and "futbolística!". There's a helpful glossary here.
  
• In ABC's studio this morning, Alexi Lalas reassured us that the US team were watching TV in their hotel and "they know that the World Cup has started".
  
• Mexico's coach, Ricardo Lavolpe, works on his De Niro impression.
  
• Peter Crouch is a gangly freak who makes Dirk Nowitzki look graceful. As the unofficial World Cup song says, "Peter Crouch has/run like a spaz". (Thanks to Mark for the link.)
  
• Ugly footballers with beautiful wives.
  

Games: Flash

A whole bunch of cutesy Flash games. The game play isn't that great, but they're awfully well-designed.

Lyrics Quiz: Mystery Theme

Lyrics quiz from Eric - whatever can the theme be?

1. I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon.
   
2. Woke up this morning, what did I see? A big black cloud hanging over me. I switched on the radio and nearly dropped dead. The news was so bad that I fell out of bed.
   
3. I can't stand to fly, I'm not that naive.
   

With the help of Google, I can add these to the theme:

1. You don’t really love that guy you make it with, now do you? I know you don’t love that guy 'cause I can see right through you.
   
2. Hello? This is your Mother. Are you there? Are you coming home? Hello? Is anybody home?
   
3. I'll tell you right now. Any trick in the book now, baby, all that I can find. Everybody's hustlin' just to have a little scene.
   
4. I can't hold you down if you want to fly. Can't you see I'm all broke up inside?
   Well, just you use your two X Ray eyes.
   

Sports: Football

Oh look! Those bright young things over at Enterpool have launched a World Cup pool. Free to register, free to play. But shurely shome mishtake - they don't have Ireland among the 32 teams!

Sports: Basketball

I hope the Mavs are knocked out by the Suns, if only because Dale Hansen said, after Game 3, that Dallas had a "commanding lead" over Phoenix. 2 games to 1 is never a "commanding lead" (unless it's a 3-game series.) What an idiot.

Advertising: Women In

We take the presence of women in commercials for granted now, but until the 1970s, only men appeared in most TV ads. Brassiere ads were particularly surreal. That all changed thanks to the brave work of pioneers like Palmolive's Madge and Bibi Osterwald (the Jif Choosey Mother). And so, in honor of Memorial Day, I'd like to pay tribute to some of today's leading ladies in commercials.

Who is the hottie in the Mercury ads? It's Jill Wagner. She looked better in the earlier commercial where she's dressed in blue. The new ad really shows off her pointy chin. I always fear for the little boy standing in front of her - the crown of his head may not withstand that chin. She had a bit part in "Junebug".

Has there ever been a better match of product and celebrity endorser than Milk and Elizabeth Hurley? It works on so many levels - two at least. (Watch backstage footage.) Only a vegan could object to this.

And how about that long-legged cutie in the Old Navy ad? Can't find her name. Another blog has been trying to track down a different Old Navy model since 2004. (The song, by the way, is "Check It Out" by Komeda.)

The Old Navy ad is promoting Madras. What other clothing materials are named after cities?

Song List: Conservative Songs

The National Review has compiled a list of the Top 50 Conservative Rock Songs Of All Time. #1 is the Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again". Pete Townshend takes some time off from his undercover investigation of child porn to respond.

Nice to see the Rainmakers mentioned (#36).

No Ted Nugent in the list? How many animals does he have to kill?

I would have added Lou Reed's "Martial Law". I'm sure Eric can suggest a few.

Lookalikes: Mike D'Antoni

Why is Tom Skerritt coaching the Phoenix Suns?

Shell's Lyrics Quiz

Numbers #1-2 have a city in their title, #3-5 have word UP or US in the title, #6-8 have sex-related lyrics, #9-11 have drug/disease-related lyrics, and #12-13 have shoe-related lyrics.

1. Call me pathetic call me what you will
2. Dreadlocked Rasta
3. Some are carpenter's wives
4. So if you give 'em a quick, short, sharp shock, they won't do it again, dig it? (spoken, not sung)
5. Move the heart, switch the place, look for what seems out of place
6. But I can't figure out which Spice Girl I want to impregnate
7. I'm into having sex, I ain't into making love
8. She calls me baby, she calls everybody baby
9. It's not a habit it's cool
10.Deals dope out of Dennys, got a table in the back
11.Did you make disease and the diamond blue
12.But your new shoes are worn at the heels
13.Life's the same except for my shoes