Feeble Attempt At Humour

It's that time of year again - Barbara Walters' 10 Most Wiveting People of 2004.

#10 - Tewesa Heinz Kewwy. She didn't get to be our next First Lady, because of a wule that pwohibits foweigners fwom that position, but the Ketchup Girl, as she is known, stole our hearts completely. Amewica finds her accent WIVETING!!!

#9 - Donald Twump. The bankwupt pwoperty developer is twying to build up his business again - and TV camewas are there to wecord evewy moment. He may not be the easiest person to get along with (he seems to fire another employee evewy week) but his ambition (and his hair!) is WIVETING!!!

#8 - Opwah. I thought I'd seen it all on her daytime show (fighting Klansmen, paternity tests, fighting stwippers) but this year she outdid herself - she gave away a car to a lucky audience member! Tears flowed and it was WIVETING!!!

#7 - Janet Jackson. As her ex-husband Michael deals with his legal twoubles, Janet got in some hot water of her own. Acting on a dare from her fiance, Justin Timberlake, she streaked onto the field in the middle of the Superbowl! CBS and the FAA had a heart-attack, but we were WIVETED!!!

#6 - Michael Moore. His documentawy "Fahwenheit 101" was the biggest movie of the year. Not bad for a guy who worked in an automobile factowy in Detwoit! Check out his first movie - "Bowling With Woger" - it's WIVETING!!!

#5 - Luke Pewwy. He heated up our scweens this year with his smoldering bad-boy looks as the title chawacter on "The O.C." (Officer in Command). How long can TV hold on to Luke before he gwaduates to movies? Those movies are sure to be...WIVETING!!!

#4 - Mia Hamm. This plucky gymnast had to overcome a twisted ankle and some judge-bwibing by the North Koweans, but in the end she won her gold medal. Yes, she sounds like she just inhaled helium but her Olympics performance was WIVETING!!!

#3 - Mel Gibson. Evewyone in Hollywood said he was cwazy to make a movie about Jesus, that he was too old to play the lead wole. Mel showed them! "The Passion Of Chwist" turned out to be the biggest movie of the year! Some found it to be too violent, but I thought the cwucifixion was WIVETING!!!

#2 - The Goggle Guys. They didn't invent the internet - they just awwanged evewything on it so that you can find it more easily. Goggle.com is a big hit with "surfers" and will be even bigger when it's finished (a few pictures would be nice). But it's still WIVETING!!!

#1 - Pawis Hilton. She's an heiwess, a weality TV star, a witer, and a fashion model. And, oh yes, that sex tape. Unbeknownst to Ms Hilton, her amowous activities were secwetly taped by Special Forces twoops with night-vision goggles. Embawwassing for Pawis but for evewyone else? WIVETING!!!