Feeble Attempt At Humour

While I was out doing my Christmas shopping tonight, a woman pressed a glass of wine into my hands and asked, "Can you make a seasonal drink out of this?" I said nothing. "Well," she said, "can you?" "Hmmm," I replied, "I'll have to mull it over."

A Very Merry Christmas/Chanukah from Patanoia to all our loyal readers.

Cryptic Crossword: Christmas Clues

Cryptic Christmas clues:

1. Glittery material, partly satin? Seldom. (6)
   
2. French Santa according to English? No! The Spanish! (4,4)
   
3. I meet lots around here for kisses. (9)
   
4. He sounds like Carole King. (9)
   
5. Decipher Eastern riddle: what gets spun for the holidays? (7)
   
6. Back in hostel, Big Bird's edible organs. (7)
   
7. Goose Catholic cooked for miser. (7)
   
8. Steal from baby's bed. (4)
   
9. Childbirth: it goes both ways in Navy. (8)
   

Music: Swedish

Free & legal Jens Lekman songs. I would compare him to Jonathan Richman, Morrissey and Frank Sinatra. You might not.

Music Quiz: The Replacements

Eric had some interesting points that follow on from the discussion of musicians doing songs from their old bands. He mentions bands that replaced an original member with someone as good if not better. Can you name the originals?

1. Ringo Starr in the Beatles.
2. Neal Peart in Rush.
3. Brian Johnson in AC/DC.
4. Rick Wakeman in Yes.
5. Trevor Rabin in Yes.
6. Joe Walsh in The Eagles.
7. Leslie Dowdall in In Tua Nua.

Had to throw in an obscure Irish one. A very young Sinead O'Connor was the original vocalist for the band (she co-wrote their first single).

Music: Saint Etienne

It's always fun to make fun of Sting, isn't it? Turquoise Days has an obscure (fanclub-only?) track by St. Etienne called "Message In A Bottle". You can find the lyrics here (need to scroll down, obviously). (Here's a photo of Sarah Cracknell in an Ireland shirt - why, I do not know.)

Quotes

Inappropriate quote. In the Dallas Morning News today, they have the results of their annual Holiday Cookie Contest. The winner of the "Decadent" category eschewed the usual "sweet, buttery, gooey, toffee-nut, fudgy" route, and instead submitted Key Lime Sables.

"That's kinda ballsy," said judge and pastry chef Tsuki Caspary-Brooks from Sur La Table.

Does she mean Schwetty balls?

Music: Former Band's Songs

One of my friends (probably best that he remain nameless) was moved by the shooting of "Dimebag" Darrell Abbott to wonder: (a) was he shot for covering a Pantera song? (b) what other performers should be shot for performing songs by their former bands? This friend offers up Dave Gilmour - he should be shot if he does Pink Floyd. Whoops - he does.

My friend, when will you ever learn that violence solves NOTHING?

Still, I suppose you could slap Art Garfunkel in the face with a hefty haddock for doing Simon & Garfunkel songs in his solo concerts. And save a flounder for Creedence Clearwater Revisited - CCR without John Fogerty. Doug Yule is still making the most of his 15 minutes as John Cale's replacement in the Velvet Underground, so he should definitely face the scales of justice.

Feeble Attempt At Humour

It's that time of year again - Barbara Walters' 10 Most Wiveting People of 2004.

#10 - Tewesa Heinz Kewwy. She didn't get to be our next First Lady, because of a wule that pwohibits foweigners fwom that position, but the Ketchup Girl, as she is known, stole our hearts completely. Amewica finds her accent WIVETING!!!

#9 - Donald Twump. The bankwupt pwoperty developer is twying to build up his business again - and TV camewas are there to wecord evewy moment. He may not be the easiest person to get along with (he seems to fire another employee evewy week) but his ambition (and his hair!) is WIVETING!!!

#8 - Opwah. I thought I'd seen it all on her daytime show (fighting Klansmen, paternity tests, fighting stwippers) but this year she outdid herself - she gave away a car to a lucky audience member! Tears flowed and it was WIVETING!!!

#7 - Janet Jackson. As her ex-husband Michael deals with his legal twoubles, Janet got in some hot water of her own. Acting on a dare from her fiance, Justin Timberlake, she streaked onto the field in the middle of the Superbowl! CBS and the FAA had a heart-attack, but we were WIVETED!!!

#6 - Michael Moore. His documentawy "Fahwenheit 101" was the biggest movie of the year. Not bad for a guy who worked in an automobile factowy in Detwoit! Check out his first movie - "Bowling With Woger" - it's WIVETING!!!

#5 - Luke Pewwy. He heated up our scweens this year with his smoldering bad-boy looks as the title chawacter on "The O.C." (Officer in Command). How long can TV hold on to Luke before he gwaduates to movies? Those movies are sure to be...WIVETING!!!

#4 - Mia Hamm. This plucky gymnast had to overcome a twisted ankle and some judge-bwibing by the North Koweans, but in the end she won her gold medal. Yes, she sounds like she just inhaled helium but her Olympics performance was WIVETING!!!

#3 - Mel Gibson. Evewyone in Hollywood said he was cwazy to make a movie about Jesus, that he was too old to play the lead wole. Mel showed them! "The Passion Of Chwist" turned out to be the biggest movie of the year! Some found it to be too violent, but I thought the cwucifixion was WIVETING!!!

#2 - The Goggle Guys. They didn't invent the internet - they just awwanged evewything on it so that you can find it more easily. Goggle.com is a big hit with "surfers" and will be even bigger when it's finished (a few pictures would be nice). But it's still WIVETING!!!

#1 - Pawis Hilton. She's an heiwess, a weality TV star, a witer, and a fashion model. And, oh yes, that sex tape. Unbeknownst to Ms Hilton, her amowous activities were secwetly taped by Special Forces twoops with night-vision goggles. Embawwassing for Pawis but for evewyone else? WIVETING!!!

Movies: Nepotism

Continuing the movie theme. The challenge is to cast a film called "I (Heart) Nepotism" with people who only seem to get work from one director. The female love interest in this film will be played by Maxine Bahns who hasn't done much since then-boyfriend Ed Burns cast her in "The Brothers McMullen" and "She's The One". Her best friend will be played by Joie Lee, Spike's little sister.

Any suggestions for the male lead? The best I can do is Jason Lee, but he has had other roles apart from Kevin Smith movies.

Special appearance by Catherine Scorsese (Marty's mom) as her Granny. (Okay, she passed away in '97 but we'll bring her back digitally.) Sondra Locke (ex-partner of Clint Eastwood) as her mother.

Comic relief will be provided by Jason Mewes, who usually plays Laurel to Kevin Smith's Hardy.

Supporting roles for Clint Howard (Opie's brother), Frank Stallone (in the first three "Rocky" movies), and Tony Roberts (Woody Allen's best friend).

The score will be composed (posthumously) by Carmine Coppola, father of Francis Ford.

Movies: Cheesy Lines

Cheesy movie lines. Can't argue with their choices. Can argue with the fact that I went to the web site of the sponsors of the list, Warburtons, and I couldn't see any reference to the list. Maybe you'll have better luck than me.
I'll add one of my favourite cheesy lines, from "Some Kind Of Wonderful", uttered by Mary Stuart Masterson's tomboy character: "Break his heart, I'll break your face."
Cheesiest TV line? How about "Welcome to the O.C., bitch."

Book Reviews: Prank?

I need your opinion. Click here to see a book at Amazon.uk and scroll down to the Customer Reviews. There are three reviews by "A reader" from three different towns. All three are in a similar style (possibly fitting the description Pooterish). I suspect that the three reviews were all written by the same person and are tongue-in-cheek. Or do English people really, seriously write things like "My family know me as a man of few words and modest means", "they had given the Germans what they deserved having started the war in the first place" and "Imagine the authors implore us, you are over the Third Reich, land of evil, and it is dark" ?

Music: MP3 Blogs

Aren't Open Directories marvelous? It's like looking through someone's medicine cabinet - who knows what you'll find?
Open Dir Festival links to directories that contain MP3s. (Found via MP3Blogs Aggregator.) Often the directories will have photos too. Here's a great photo of a pretty face.
Totally Fuzzy also links to Open Directories. You might even find Avril Lavigne's version of "Knocking On Heaven's Door". Don't think it'll make anyone's Top 50 of cover versions.

Song List: Covers

The Daily Telegraph published its list of the Top 50 Cover Versions, reprinted here. Some of the covers we discussed here made the list. Jeff Buckley, "Hallelujah" at 4. Cowboy Junkies, "Sweet Jane" at 19. (Those two suggested by Robb.) Flying Lizards, "Money" at 33. John Cale. "Heartbreak Hotel" at 37. Bangles, "Hazy Shade Of Winter" at 41. That was from Shell. Sadly, Shell's Lemonheads didn't make the list.

Their #1 is Jimi Hendrix doing "All Along The Watchtower".