TV: "CSI: Miami"

7 minutes of David Caruso's deadpan lines at the start of every "CSI: Miami". How many can you withstand? I made it to his quip about a victim who died after Speed Dating, "You know what they say - speed kills." And the way he pauses in the middle of the lines to put on his sunglasses! How can anyone take this show (or him) seriously? Another ridiculous clip.

David Spade mocks him.

A young firebrand wrote a letter to Entertainment Weekly back in 1994 when Caruso left "NYPD Blue", predicting he'd have "a long movie career - a Shelley Long career", due to his red hair. That drew an irate reply two issues later: "To say that 'many people view ginger-haired people with suspicion, bordering on repulsion' is the nastiest sort of bigotry, just as objectionable as if he were referring to black people, Jewish people, or anyone." Good times!

TV News: Body Check

Fox News reporter body checks an OSU fan who tries to interrupt his live report.

And here's the Channel 8 (Dallas) streaker. And a Seattle streaker.

Poems: Various Women

Some poems about women.

Amy Sedaris
Is hard to embarrass.

Everybody hurts
Except for Swoosie Kurtz.

Nicole Richie
Is frequently bitchy.

Katie Holmes
Is attracted to gnomes.

YouTube: Tirades

• Michael Richards' racist tirade at the Laugh Factory - just sad.
  
• Chicago Cubs manager Lee Elia profane tirade from 1983 - also sad.
  
• Medley of NFL coachs' tirades - sad, except for Jim Mora's contributions ("Diddly poo").
  
• Faye Dunaway conceited voicemail tirade - pathetic.
  
• Director of 2004 Democratic National Convention calling for more balloons - that's the Demmycrats for you.
  
• Minor League Baseball manager's ultimate tantrum - now that's funny!
  

Sunday Football Miscellany

• I'm surprised that CBS and FOX don't show fake blow-out scores for the games on the other network, to discourage viewers from switching over.
  
• Is Mangini the plural of Mangina? (NSFW)
  
• Why does Phil Simms always sound like he doesn't know what he's talking about? (He's 66% annoying.)
  
• Someday soon, someone will uncover a giant game-fixing scandal in the NFL, and Exhibit 1 will be today's Colts-Cowboys game. (I write this with 11:36 remaining in the 4th quarter, tied 14-14.)
  

Music: Similar Names

Cut-out-and-keep guide to similarly named artists: one a rapper, the other not.

• Rick Ross (or Ro$$) is a Florida rapper. Ricky Ross is the lead singer of Scotland's Deacon Blue.
  
• Jim Jones is a NY rapper. Jim James is the lead singer of My Morning Jacket - playing the Gypsy Tea Room tomorrow night. I'll be there, wearing my evening jacket.
  
• Warren G is a West Coast rapper. Warren G. Harding was the 29th President of the USA, who regulated, East Coast style.
  

Internet: Crazy People

I was Googling something else entirely and found this deposition (allegedly) in the case of William Tyree Jr. v the Central Intelligence Agency, George Bush and others. In one excerpt, the witness says:

My Uncle Pat told me not to listen to anything my father was discussing with me. He was disillusional and I needed to leave him to the state.

I love that word "disillusional". It shows up in a surprising number of Google search results, considering it's not a real word.

This page is part of this crazy person's web site.

Giant front page with no clear organisation of contents? Check.
Links to 9/11 and Chemtrail Conspiracy theories? Check. Flashing text and flashing images? Check.

So what's this guy's personal brand of kookiness? He rails against the "Bush-Millman-Clinton Crime Family". There's even a diagram. And who's Millman? This guy's ex-father-in-law, from what I can make out. It's all too pathetic.

Music: Ryan Adams

Lots of new music at Ryan Adams web site. Although, frankly, most of it is unlistenable. But at least he's having fun.

Lyrics Quiz: Girls

Can you name these songs about girls? While you're working on the list, stream "Graffiti Girl" by Mark Pickerel.

1. I've got so much honey, the bees envy me. I've got a sweeter song than the birds in the trees.
   
2. Oh mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones.
   
3. You know, I feel so dirty when they start talking cute. I wanna tell her that I love her but the point is probably moot.
   
4. The diving man's coming up for air, 'cause the crowd all love pulling Dolly by the hair. By the hair.
   
5. Ten silver saxes, a bass with a bow. The drummer relaxes and waits between shows.
   
6. You've made me acknowledge the devil in me. I hope to God I'm talkin' metaphorically. Hope that I'm talkin' allegorically.
   
7. Friday night and I need a fight. My motorcycle and a switchblade knife. Handful of grease in my hair feels right. But what I need to make me tight are...
   
8. Some boys try and some boys lie but I don't let them play. Only boys who save their pennies make my rainy day.
   
9. Is there anybody going to listen to my story, all about the girl who came to stay?
   
10. Hurry up, hurry up and wait. I stay awake all week and still I wait. I got the blues. Please come see, what your loving means to me.
    
11. You're such a beautiful fish, floppin' on the summer sand. Lookin' for the wave you missed when another one is close at hand.
    
12. High and dry, out of the rain. It's so easy to hurt others when you can't feel pain.
    

Music: Beyonce

Beyonce sings "Irreplaceable" on "TRL". Like the all-female band. Has anyone commented on how the hooky line, "To the left, to the left", presciently anticipated America's electoral swing?

Movies: Promotional Anecdotes

We all know the movie promotion drill by now: film-maker prepares entertaining anecdotes about the production that will whet our appetite, trots them out on the late night circuit. If it's a horror movie, the stories revolve around mysterious happenings on the set. If it's a romantic comedy, the co-star makes coy references to the chemistry between the lead actors.

Now Entertainment Weekly's Holiday Movie Preview has produced the lamest movie promotion anecdote in recorded history. Hack writer-director Nancy Meyers is promoting "The Holiday", starring Cameron Diaz and Jack Black.

"Near the end of the movie, there's this party where Jack's dancing in a suit and he was getting really hot," says Meyers. "I had a powerful air conditioner moved over.... He just pulled up a chair and sat right in front of it."

Wow! A fat guy sat in front of an air conditioner to keep cool! Now this is a movie I gotta see! (At least there's a photo of Cameron Diaz in a bathtub.)

Music: The Cake Sale

There's a charity record out in Ireland, "The Cake Sale", to benefit Oxfam Ireland. Artists featured include Damien Rice, Glen Hansard (The Frames) and the ever lovely Nina Persson. The MySpace page has the song Nina sings, "Black Winged Bird". "Some Surprise" is nice, too.

Video: Matrix Ping Pong

Well worth 1:43 of your time: Matrix Ping Pong.

Here's another variety act that must have taken a lot of rehearsal: two guys in anoraks.

And something that requires very little skill, but is still hugely entertaining: guy singing "Mule Train" while smashing a tray on his head.

Lyrics Quiz: Mystery Theme 2

A Lyrics Quiz with a Mystery Theme from Eric. I don't know a single one of these, so don't ask me.

1. He's got greasy hair, greasy smile, He says, "Lord this must be my destination".
   
2. Although I laugh and I act like a clown, Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown.
   
3. He wants to dream like a young man, With the wisdom of an old man. He wants his home and security, He wants to live like a sailor at sea.
   
4. Unlucky in love, least that's what they say. He lost his head, And he gambled his heart away. He still keeps searching, Though there's nothing left. Staked his heart and lost, Now he has to pay the cost.
   
5. That must have been lust, I was living in style, When the walls fell in, When I played my hand, I looked like a joker. Turn around. Fate must have woke her. 'Cause lady luck she was Waiting outside the door.
   

6. Another dark night, in the city,
   And my prospects lookin' thin.
   The survival of the fittest
   Is the law, in the world that I live in.
   
   I was not born, to be a fighter
   But now's the time I have to learn
   To keep my head, above the water
   Gotta play with fire, but not get burned.
   
   I gotta stand up, I gotta face it
   Don't want to lose it
   I want to taste it while it's hot
   Don't want to waste it, I need it so bad.

   
   

"Hint - Theme is a lyric from song number 1, but not the title."

Music: Stylus Magazine

Stylus Magazine has a few features worth your time:

• Top 50 Live Albums Of All Time. They're missing "Take No Prisoners".
  
• Who's better: U2 or REM?
  
• Critical evaluation of "Electric Blue" by Icehouse (I didn't know it was co-written by John Oates).
  
• Review of a film about Zidane, with music by Mogwai.
  

Pop Culture: Captains Quiz

Match these famous Captains with their real names.

1. Captain America (superhero)	A. Raymond Burns
2. Captain (of Tennille fame)	B. Daryl Dragon
3. Captain Fantastic (alter ego)	C. Bob Keeshan
4. Captain Sensible (of The Damned)	D. Elton John
5. Captain Kangaroo (children's TV host)	E. Horatio McCallister
6. The Sea Captain (Simpsons character)	F. Steve Rogers

Music: Round-Up

• If you like Mojave 3 or Trespassers William, stream an album by Barzin. Mmm, murmury. (Recommended by Chromewaves.)
  
• Video for Midlake's "Head Home". Better period drama video. (Linked to by Torr, who comments on their Fleetwood Mac-ness. Thanks to Robb for turning me on to Midlake.)
  
• Being that November 5 is Ryan Adams' birthday (as well as, amazingly, Bryan Adams! Oh, and Gram Parsons, which is more apt, and Tilda Swinton, just because she came up in conversation the other day), rbally has a concert from October 17. Check out "Freeway To The Canyon". Turns out to be a Neal Casal song - Packwood has been recommending him for about 10 years. Casal is touring with Adams.
  
• For strange and obscure recordings, you can't beat WFMU's Beware Of The Blog. "Teenage Kicks" played on ukeleles, Southern Gospel radio, shortwave radio scans - it's all here.
  

Religion: Ted Haggard

Is this the most gloatable scandal ever involving a senior church official? Newsweek has an interview with the male prostitute, and audio clips of Ted Haggard and the alleged voicemails he sent. There's also a video clip of Haggard railing against homosexuality.

Harpers has reposted an article from May 2005 on the Evangelical movement with a lot about Haggard. Interesting stuff on Colorado Springs, market economics in religion, and how Pastor Ted believes that an evil force called 'Control' makes telephone calls to him.

For those of you don't like reading, YouTube has an interview that evolutionist Richard Dawkins did with Haggard. What a weird mouth he has, how strange the way he purses his lips.

The "In The News" section of his official site makes no mention of his recent troubles.

Celebrities: Children's Entertainment

Children's books, children's movies, children's TV shows, children's records: they mean big $$$, and celebrities are ka-chinging in. Can you distinguish between the real and fake items in this list?

1. Paul McCartney, jealous of Ringo Starr's success narrating "Thomas The Tank Engine", has his own TV show for youngsters, "Heather, The One-Legged Whore".
   
2. Selfish Dallas Cowboy, Terrell Owens, has written a book for kids: "Little T Learns to Share". He's already planning the sequels: "Little T Learns What Not to Say" and "Little T Learns To Say I'm Sorry".
   
3. Contemporary folk artist, Beth Orton, has recorded an English 'books on tape' version of Dr. Seuss: "Orton 'Ears An 'Oo".
   
4. Before his untimely death, Spalding Gray was developing a monologue aimed at children, "Billygoat? Yes. Gruff? No!"
   
5. Devo has created Devo 2.0, a group of kids who play family-friendly versions of old Devo songs.
   

Music: MP3 Blogs

The Rich Girls Are Weeping has an MP3 of Jarvis Cocker from Pulp reciting "The Lion And Albert". Good voice, but he's no Stanley Holloway.

You can hear a track from Cocker's solo album at his MySpace page. It has a very rude chorus.